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just looking for some opinions on a poem


willie the wimp

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hey guys, not much is needed to describe this one. just wrote it in a matter of a half hour. this one is called manitoba. i just want to know what you guys think of it. i should be coming up with some more new stuff seeing as i just ended a relationship;) but i'd really like to know what you think of this one.

thanks alot for any crits and stuff.

 

Manitoba

oh to hell with all your games and names

to death i sentence your words

flowing out like gunshot fire

shooting blindly at my heart

to the abiss i send your faking eyes

your cheats and feats of all your lies

like politicians they smile

and must be put on trial

throw january in a cell

and feed it to the dogs

like empty words

and wasted nights that are quiet

and seldom heard

to make you happy is to make a mute sing

 

he might speak of diamond rings

but i speak of soulful things

and to choose between night and day

and summer or winter

and my love or not

should be so simple

but you tiol in it

trying to thin it

knowing you'll win it

but i've gotta say you''ve got me fitted

and sized with you alibies and blue-green eyes

that can't make up their mind

and tend to rise

just as i die

and leave me to hide out all night

not knowing if what i'm saying can put up a fight

you're so hard to figure out

but i got a grip on what this is about

the old or the new

the near or the far

who is it that will win your heart?

we should just make a new start.

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Ouch.

 

I like that. About halfway through the 2nd verse I want it to soften though. You've made your point then start beating it too hard... and maybe the last lines could go

 

who is it that will win your heart?

...and who is it should make a new start?

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wow... i think there are some gems in there

 

maybe shorten a bit to highlight the diamonds?

 

 

to death i sentence your words

your cheats and feats of all your lies

throw january in a cell

and feed it to the dogs

 

is priceless

 

what do you mean don't make up words?

 

i must admit "tiol" was a new one to me, til i figured you meant "toil"

 

also, in "your cheats and feats" you're basically making the verb "to cheat" into a noun, which is a new one to me ... but i like it ... it's only a fake noun, but i like it ... :thu:

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ok, thanks lee. i get what you mean about cooling it off in the middle. and i like that last line more too.

what are some opinions on the rhyming scheme? i really focused on that in this one.

 

 

The rhyme scheme...

 

First off, let me remind you of how much I like it. But although you rhyme well, you don't have a rhyme scheme. Scheme implies a pattern. A can't detect a pattern. Check out Dylan's Tangled Up In Blue. True, it's inconsistent but... it always remain consistent to certain key rhymes, the only deviation is additional rhymes here and there. Try to apply some of this order to your energetic stream of ideas and the effect could be mesmerizing...

 

Early one mornin' the sun was shinin',

I was layin' in bed

Wond'rin' if she'd changed at all

If her hair was still red.

Her folks they said our lives together

Sure was gonna be rough

They never did like Mama's homemade dress

Papa's bankbook wasn't big enough.

And I was standin' on the side of the road

Rain fallin' on my shoes

Heading out for the East Coast

Lord knows I've paid some dues gettin' through,

Tangled up in blue.

 

She was married when we first met

Soon to be divorced

I helped her out of a jam, I guess,

But I used a little too much force.

We drove that car as far as we could

Abandoned it out West

Split up on a dark sad night

Both agreeing it was best.

She turned around to look at me

As I was walkin' away

I heard her say over my shoulder,

"We'll meet again someday on the avenue,"

Tangled up in blue.

 

 

and if you know the song

you know he goes on like that in a dream

Tangled in his rhyme scheme

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Lee, I always heard that rhyme scheme as consistent throughout, with the AA pattern in the "chorus", of which the first line changes. That would read like:

 

Rain fallin on my shoes

...

Lord knows I've paid some dues

 

Getting through

Tangled up in blue.

 

As far as willie's poem, I can not get past the artificial syntax of lines like "to death I sentence your words". It sounds like you're trying to create a false sense of formality/antiquity, and it falls flat.

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The rhyme scheme...

 

 

that poem doesn't have a rhyme scheme (but not every poem must)

 

it has couplets that rhyme every once in a while, and i think that adds to the interest of the piece

 

i am biased, though ... cause i like unpredictable (i.e. non-existent) rhyme schemes

 

it's much harder to pull that off in songs, but it can be done. check out Ani DiFranco's work, for example

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well, good point everyone on the rhyme scheme. i meant more of just how the rhymes flow together but, whatever. thanks alot for the crits.

 

to chicken monkey, i'm not totaly sure what you're saying there.i 'm not trying to create anything really. that line is kind of saying that the words that were said are either fake or mean or something like that and that they should be gotten rid of and disregarded.

 

and to lee, thanks again for the help. and also, that's the second time you have refrenced tangled up in blue while critiqueing one of my pieces. i'll just look at that as a compliment :lol:

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to chicken monkey, i'm not totaly sure what you're saying there.i 'm not trying to create anything really. that line is kind of saying that the words that were said are either fake or mean or something like that and that they should be gotten rid of and disregarded.

 

 

Why not, "I sentence your words to death"? That's all I'm saying. Flipping it around sounds artificial.

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