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When I See You


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Not sure why you have to register my good fellow. Just click the link and listen. Hopefully you can get through the 5 odd minutes and try to focus on the lyrics, melody, tempo, chord progressions, etc, over prodcution quality, vocals and musicianship.

 

Thanks,

 

Brent.

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Happy to say that streaming is 'free' there, no registration. :)

 

I liked the earnestness and straightforward sincerity of this.

 

But I did have a couple of lyrical concerns. There are times when it seems like the rhyme is leading the lyric choice (we all know that happens, of course, behind the scenes -- but it seems to me we want to think of it as a happy accident where the meaning comes first and the rhyme just follows -- rather than the nagging doubt that it came the other way around). The known/grown rhyme sort of hit me that way; frayed/portrayed, the bit with he mould (or mold for our American readers), that seemed somewhat forced, as well. The phrase "revealing a sound" seems a bit awkward, too. I know a sound can, in a sense, be revealed, but it's a verb we usually think of in a verbal context. Some rhymes that look 'too tight' on paper, on the other hand, because of the drawn out delivery, aren't that problematic. I'm not entirely sure about the bleed out the doubt/... evaporate part, either. While there's a logical consistency of the doubt being liquid, it might be a little too much weight for the metaphor to comfortably carry, the close listener may bog down in a mental process of thinking about how doubt can bleed and evaporate; judgement call, maybe. Another issue: I wasn't timing it, but rather listening as I did some morning puttering -- but it felt on the long side. If it's much over 3-1/2 minutes, you might consider backing off some of the repeated material, seems to me.

 

One last thing -- I'm notoriously out of touch with pop music (and like to keep it that way these days) but the chorus, itself, the "... and when I see you..."/etc part... that sounds really familiar, reminiscent, seems to me, of an earlier song (that I can't quite put my finger on).

 

Anyhow, an appealing, down home delivery and heartfelt lyrics, those perhaps mostly minor concerns aside.

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Thanks blue2blue,

 

What a very thorough critique, which I appreciate a lot. I agree that there are some forced lines, maybe not so much in the rhyme but in the line itself. The ones you have pointed out could all be worked on. I have a massive trouble writing love songs especially in a pop sense. I find it much easier to write a dark lyric.

 

I was writing this song in the style of James Blunt (am I allowed to mention his name here?) with the falsetto chorus and such. Is that where the familiarity comes in? Not sure if it sounds like any of his songs though.

 

Again thanks for having a listen and leaving some comments.

 

Brent.

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nice, i like your voice. i kinda agree with b2b, but i also the structure of the song is upto you, and if u want it to sound like this then that is great, we are giving advice, and take it as that, and dont think u have to make these changes, my only questionable area was "And now I

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