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New Song #1


IanAlderman

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Try and try I keep trying

But all I seem to get is hurting

See through you and all your lying

Leaving you dead is reassuring

 

Chorus:

I hate to feel

Feel like this

Is it really worth it?

To feel like this?

 

Hard to get up

After you cut me down

Hard to believe there's life after

You walk away without a sound

Can we ever hear our laughter?

 

Chorus:

I hate to feel

Feel like this

Is it really worth it?

To feel like this?

 

I treated you nothing but good

Far from you misunderstood

A future we had so stark

Guess I'm another stab in the dark

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It's easy to label something like this as being gay without first knowing where the inspiration came from. When I wrote this, it was a little after I found out that the girl I was crazy about was seeing someone else. I am stationed in Alaska and she's in Illinois. It had been awhile since I had heard from her and one day, she texted me telling me she's been dating somebody for over a month- that was December 07.

 

Needless to say, wounds have healed, and it's been very therapeutic to write songs- instead of lashing out at people and not fully knowing the story, I started writing music. This song might not resolve or make sense to a lot of people and really, I don't think it is. It's kind of when you first react to hearing that kind of news- only I held it in long enough to come up with what you see.

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good ideas (again) but far too abstract


you need good solid nouns in there (bed, table, house, dress, flowers)


let them tell the story

 

 

But that is your personal opinion, no? Abstract is a good thing, it let's the listener enter into the song with their own life's experience.

 

I dig it.

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But that is your personal opinion, no?

 

 

 

what else am i qualified to offer?

 

however, look up a bunch of great songs and pay attention to the lyrics ... i think concrete details will jump out at you from almost any "great" song

 

not many people realize how "concrete" their favorite songs are. even when they go off into "abstract" territory, it's for a little bit only and it's anchored by preceding and following concrete details

 

pay attention to how it's done; you'll be surprised

 

btw, this is such a basic concept for songwriting (sort of like, "tune your guitar before playing" for guitar players) that i am surprised so many people don't seem aware of what makes a song resonate and come alive (and no, it's not abstractions)

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I like the stab in the dark thing. Everything else is a little to.. 'heartbreak and dark hate'. That doesn't mean that's a bad thing... It's just I really don't like that kind of music.

 

But that doesn't matter. You can't judge a song good or bad until you hear it.

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Honestly bro, I'm not much into this type of music myself and for the project I'm writing songs, it really doesn't fit. Maybe with the passage of time, it can be tweaked and turned into a fast, aggressive, throw your devil horns in the air type thing once I get the meter and the flow of the lyrics down better- maybe then, and after some practice and recording, we'll see how the formula equates.

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It has potential. Read the lyrics to some of the greatest rock songs ever recorded and they seem gay on their own... (not that these do) It's *all* in the delivery.

 

Bottom line = Great songwriters are made, not born. The more you write the better you get at it, so it's all good. Keep 'em coming... :)

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what else am i qualified to offer?


however, look up a bunch of great songs and pay attention to the lyrics ... i think concrete details will jump out at you from almost any "great" song


not many people realize how "concrete" their favorite songs are. even when they go off into "abstract" territory, it's for a little bit only and it's anchored by preceding and following concrete details


pay attention to how it's done; you'll be surprised


btw, this is such a basic concept for songwriting (sort of like, "tune your guitar before playing" for guitar players) that i am surprised so many people don't seem aware of what makes a song resonate and come alive (and no, it's not abstractions)

 

 

I don't look at lyrics with such a critical eye (especially in English), I tend to judge the music more than the lyrics.

To me some of the best lyrics are abstract as hell and mean nothing. You give them your own meaning, maybe none at all. If it's too concrete I feel I would be listening to a short story if you know what I mean. Anyways, I wasn't trying to call you out or anything.

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Sissyfied Disclaimer Absolving Me of All Guilt: I don't mean to be nasty, but it's probably going to sound that way.

 

"Can we ever hear our laughter?"

 

This line made me crack up. It is 102% lame -- probably because it calls to mind Robert Plant's notoriously lame bit of stage patter, "Does anyone remember laughter?"

 

No one REALLY speaks this way. It's inauthentic w/r/t the way folks in a crumbling relationship talk. When you fought with this girl, were you screaming "You don't even hear our laughter, bitch!" Nope. You were pointing out that you called 15 times on Saturday night and she was at the Waffle House with her boytoy eating covered and smothered hash browns while you kept warm drinking flat 7&7s down by the woodpile. This song lacks those interesting tidbits of info -- the things that makes your story more interesting than the series of basic plot points that you have for lyrics at the moment.

 

You need to ILLUSTRATE your situation.

 

Your chorus -- which is the part of the song that should reinforce the "lesson" or theme -- is

 

I hate to feel

Feel like this

Is it really worth it?

To feel like this?

 

However, you haven't even outlined what feeling it is you're feeling. Do you feel like cutting her into geometrically perfect cubes and feeding said cubes to your cat? Do you feel like crying everytime you pass by the adult bookstore and plus-sized lingere depot out on Highway 5? You haven't given the audience anything to connect to and wonder about.

 

These lyrics seem like an approximate gloss of mainstream hard-rock-for-radio lyrics (Nickleback, Three Doors Down, etc.). They're an approximation of those sorts of generic background songs. If you're going for that sort of thing -- where the riffs and the vocal line are the catchy nugget of content -- then your lyrics as written will likely suffice (especially, if this song is just going to fill out a live set in an mostly orginals bar band situation and isn't a stone-cold keeper). However, on their own (or even if backed by minimal instumentation) I don't think these lyrics are particularly evocative or insightful.

 

I hope this helps -- after the initial shock wears off.

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I'm really digging the feedback here on this song- some people like the abstract nature and some people cannot stand it because it's so vague. People should be left to figure out the song for themselves- it should engage your mind and make you think and try to figure out what on earth I'm talking about.

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People should be left to figure out the song for themselves- it should engage your mind and make you think and try to figure out what on earth I'm talking about.

 

 

I appreciate the sentiment that's driving that approach -- I have been guilty of it myself. I took a fiction writing course in college, and I was very proud of how open-ended and spooky one story I wrote was. There were little details sprinkled in, but what was happening was very opaque. Half of the class and the professor *hated* it. I believe it was likened to my having painted a canvas black and calling it "Panther in the Night." Moral of this anecdote -- your audience doesn't always care enough to bring EVERYTHING to the table. You have to do the lion's share of the work.

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Is there a song that goes with this poem? The music could go a long way toward clearing up a lot of the strong feelings against it.

 

Personally, I tend to write stories and over-illustrate in my lyrics. I don't really do vague. I like specifics and details.

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Sissyfied Disclaimer Absolving Me of All Guilt: I don't mean to be nasty, but it's probably going to sound that way.


"Can we ever hear our laughter?"


This line made me crack up. It is 102% lame -- probably because it calls to mind Robert Plant's notoriously lame bit of stage patter, "Does anyone remember laughter?"


No one REALLY speaks this way. It's inauthentic w/r/t the way folks in a crumbling relationship talk. When you fought with this girl, were you screaming "You don't even hear our laughter, bitch!" Nope. You were pointing out that you called 15 times on Saturday night and she was at the Waffle House with her boytoy eating covered and smothered hash browns while you kept warm drinking flat 7&7s down by the woodpile. This song lacks those interesting tidbits of info -- the things that makes your story more interesting than the series of basic plot points that you have for lyrics at the moment.


You need to ILLUSTRATE your situation.


Your chorus -- which is the part of the song that should reinforce the "lesson" or theme -- is


I hate to feel

Feel like this

Is it really worth it?

To feel like this?


However, you haven't even outlined what feeling it is you're feeling. Do you feel like cutting her into geometrically perfect cubes and feeding said cubes to your cat? Do you feel like crying everytime you pass by the adult bookstore and plus-sized lingere depot out on Highway 5? You haven't given the audience anything to connect to and wonder about.


These lyrics seem like an approximate gloss of mainstream hard-rock-for-radio lyrics (Nickleback, Three Doors Down, etc.). They're an approximation of those sorts of generic background songs. If you're going for that sort of thing -- where the riffs and the vocal line are the catchy nugget of content -- then your lyrics as written will likely suffice (especially, if this song is just going to fill out a live set in an mostly orginals bar band situation and isn't a stone-cold keeper). However, on their own (or even if backed by minimal instumentation) I don't think these lyrics are particularly evocative or insightful.


I hope this helps -- after the initial shock wears off.

 

 

I like this response. I would add that the concrete imagery used need not actually pertain to the issue/person/relationship/situation at hand, but need only be chosen for the intellectual and emotional content which will remain very real and very true. Thus you can set the song in another era or geography or solar system, conversely it can be about your new goldfish or pet dog Mandy WTF, whatever...

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