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First posts here - 2 songs (love/death...of course!)


shawngibson

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I gave up music about 12 years ago, but my Mom just died so I needed to get back into it. Please be honest...brutal is good (good way to grow if it's honest!). I think they need breathing room and I hope they aren't corny...

 

Shawn

 

SILENCE (The Loudest Noise on Earth)

 

 

(Verse 1)

The hour hand moves so slow

Each infinite tick just brings me down

All I want is to hear you now

When the sun crashes down on the new day

 

(Verse2)

When you don

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Nice gear list; you've set yourself up well to get back to it. I am so grateful that once music is in us and part of our lives it is always there for us.

 

If you don't mind I will not critique these lyrics at all except to say that they are not corny. Clearly your mother is very present in them.

 

You write well; I hope to see more. :wave:

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I couldn't agree more. I thought with so many years of absence it would be like starting over...but it has been more like riding a bike. I'll never be Mr. Technical again (a good thing probably LOL) but the basics and all the theory (modes etc.) are all still there; I can only hope they get refined over the next months/years. I'd like to mature, I never cared about anything except 3-note-per-string stuff when I was a kid.

 

Thanks kindly for the words too, I appreciate knowing they don't appear corny. Now it's time to start strumming and putting it all together...

 

Shawn

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That's exactly what I meant by breathing, I think they are both too wordy. I'll have to try to spend a few weeks or however long it takes trimming them down, or when I hire a singer I'll get shot...or not be able to even hire a singer...unless I'm doing rap...which I ain't LOL.

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I don't have a ton of time right now to break these down. However, I do agree that there are a lot of words here that aren't buying you much in terms of imagery or emotions. There's lots of connective tissue here (pronouns, articles, little non-actiony connecting verbs). Basically, without your backstory/biographical info I wouldn't know what your specifically talking about. I think you need to get some real definitive, specific images on the page and then tweak.

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I don't have a ton of time right now to break these down. However, I do agree that there are a lot of words here that aren't buying you much in terms of imagery or emotions. There's lots of connective tissue here (pronouns, articles, little non-actiony connecting verbs). Basically, without your backstory/biographical info I wouldn't know what your specifically talking about. I think you need to get some real definitive, specific images on the page and then tweak.

 

This could be rewritten slightly and made into a sticky. :)

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That's exactly what I meant by breathing, I think they are both too wordy. I'll have to try to spend a few weeks or however long it takes trimming them down, or when I hire a singer I'll get shot...or not be able to even hire a singer...unless I'm doing rap...which I ain't LOL.

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Thanks Marko. I can definitely see a lot of dead air in Sunday Sun (I've had issues with that aspect since the first 2 verses were written...it's just too...breathy/too many filler words), but I wouldn't know how to reduce Silence except to chop it up a bit, I mean the lines are saying what they need to say based on what it is I 'am' trying to say, if that makes sense.

 

The first song is actually about a woman, not my Mom; the second is, of course, about my Mom and my very good friend (who heard some bad news about her own Dad that day). I don't know how to take real life and artificiate it for the sake of imagery (I'm not very symbol-based in my head), but then again I had the same problem writing poetry for my entire life...I'm not particularly colourful.

 

I'll try to disseminate Monday Sun to it's core, and see if I can give more room for a singer and less time wasted on connecting words...wish me luck:)

 

Shawn

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OK 2 more, any better? I loved someone when my Mom was dying so i am pretty {censored}ed up:

 

Take/Down

 

 

 

(Intro)

 

One more glass of antifreeze

 

One more lie to ease inside

 

You bury just the parts of you

 

I wanna open wide

 

 

 

(Verse1)

 

One more unreal memory

 

Down your throat's that burning fire

 

Swallow all your misery

 

I don't wanna wallow in your mire

 

 

 

(Verse2)

 

Told me I was not your thing

 

Too many words, too many miles

 

I didn't have enough ca-ching

 

To make it worth your while

 

 

 

(Chorus)

 

But I gave you all my money

 

And I changed my style for you

 

I put you first at every turn

 

You left me here in ruins

 

 

 

...It was a take down

 

 

 

(Verse3)

 

Kissed you once, you turned your cheek

 

Touched you once, you made me weak

 

Told you how I wanted you

 

But you were cold from head to toe

 

 

 

(Verse4)

 

Go and put your boys on ice

 

Take it all, and close your eyes

 

Give em just what they deserve:

 

Nothing but your empty eyes

 

 

 

(Chorus)

 

 

 

(Chorus/Bridge)

 

And I gave you more than anyone

 

I got you high, I picked you up

 

When everyone just laughed at you

 

But now I see that I'm the fool

 

 

 

...It was a take down

 

 

 

(Outro)

 

Told me once you love me too

 

Was just another lie to you

 

Have a drink and take from me

 

Everything you want, for free

 

 

 

Have a drink, take all you see

 

Have a drink and bury me

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

GET BACK

 

 

 

(Chorus/intro)

 

Get back

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