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Lyrics from a middle aged newbie


olddawg

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I hope this is ok, I'd love to get real feedback. Written for the one written about. I've put it to music and would like to know what you think about the words; to be honest, it sounds immature and juvenile to me. Thank you very much in advance. BTW - true story.

 

TITLE I missed so much

 

Intro

Almost 30 years gone by

can't make up for lost time

 

Verse 1

I can still see you

clutching your books to your chest

you were so much

prettier than the rest

 

There in the hall

I stood wondering what to do

We were so young

lips to your cheek, I kissed you

 

 

CHORUS

But you wanted more from me

But we were just fifteen

So I missed your kisses and your touch

God, I missed so much

 

Verse 2

Five years later

Ran into you late in the night

I didn't know it then

how it could've been so right

 

I let that moment pass

it turned into a lifetime

Where were you

when you should've been mine

 

CHORUS

You needed more from me

Too young I guess to see it

So I missed your kisses and your touch

God, I missed too much

 

Verse 3

High school reunion

and I wondered, would you be there

Should I write

I wondered, would you care

 

The letter was sent and I

didn't have to wait very long

You wrote back

and all those years were gone

 

CHORUS

You wanted more from me

My baby I finally see

I have your kisses and feel your touch

God, I love you so much

 

OUTRO

Nearly 30 years gone by

can't make up for lost time

or can we

baby

marry me

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Have you LISTENED to some of the ridiculous lyrics in some of our favorite songs??? Yours aren't bad at all. Actually these are pretty good, and it tells a story, might be good for a country song. Would be good for rock ballad too methinks.

 

No, these aren't bad at all. Structured decently for a song already too. Nice work.

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Very good story, made better being true. I can't really cut the lyrics up too much, it works as a whole. The chorus is alright, but it feels a little weak. A good delivery on an interesting hook would make it work well. For me, the last line is a little too over the top emotional and sort of dispels the magic more than makes it. I'd imagine that's a strong hook for you, so take it with a grain of salt- it might work fine for other ppl.

 

With the right music this could be endearing and gentle dedication to remember. Good job.

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Hey, olddawg, glad to see you made it over here!

 

You've got a good, evergreen story, here. (And it happens more in real life that some folks would think, I think. My late step brother remarried his first wife. One of my old, old school friends is about to marry his college GF, who he carried a torch for for years back in the day. [And he's now a successful TV writer and producer... not bad for a guy who struggled for decades just to make a dime in the biz. ;) ])

 

But the pacing seems a little off. I'd kind of like more detail on the set up. The lines, " So I missed your kisses and your touch / God, I missed so much," seem especially powerful because of the potential double meaning on missed so much... it makes me think of just how callow and inexperienced a 15 year old boy can be. (Which is about 101%. ;) )

 

But then we waste a couple verses on the mechanics of the happy ending. That might be OK if the details of it were more interesting and showed us more about the people involved.

 

But as it is, I feel like I need to know more about those young people and why they broke up -- without getting too explicit or stepping on the two lines above, don't take out all the mystery because we can fill some of it in, maybe just a couple more hints -- and then, maybe, I might like to know more about who they are now, what's changed. The core of the story, seems to me, is how that gap is closed...

 

Lots to chew on and work with here, seems to me!

 

:)

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Thanks again everyone.

 

blue2blue,

 

So are you saying that maybe after the 1st verse, I should (try) to write about why we seperated, and keep the rest? Or are you saying also to get rid of the "happy ending"?

 

Thanks much for your input all of you.

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Thanks again everyone.


blue2blue,


So are you saying that maybe after the 1st verse, I should (try) to write about why we seperated, and keep the rest? Or are you saying also to get rid of the "happy ending"?


Thanks much for your input all of you.

 

Maybe.

 

 

:D

 

No... don't get rid of the happy ending, that's what should be at the core of what I'm calling the punchline. But don't get bogged down in the details necessarily unless they add color, flavor, or excitement. Just sending a letter... seems so flat. But if you did want to explore that aspect it might actually provide an interesting and involving setup to the ending if you were to get into some hooky, interesting aspect of the letter at the core of the rapprochement.

 

I'm thinking a little in terms of traditional story arcs... set up, conflict, resolution. In a novel you might want the resolution in the last 10 or 20 % of the story (just being arbitrary, here). In a song, you might want it someplace in the last half or last third, depending on bridges, choruses, etc, likely after the middle 8, bridge, solo, etc, whatever feature holds down more or less the center of the song. (By center, I don't necessarily mean the dead 50% mark, just that general middle/hump/bump/drop/bridge kinda area.)

 

And, yeah, I'm kind of thinking that I'd like to know more about just what that conflict revolved around -- that's part of the set up. I mean, you don't have to get into nuts and bolts... you could just kind of sum it up somehow, but best if you can get some emotional content/build up into that so that the resolution at the end is a good pay off.

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Firstly ,I really hope she loves the song .

 

I think what I was asking myself after reading over this a few times was ,what exactly was her need at the time? After reading the other comments I think they summed it up. We need you to guide us where it all started. What exactly was her needs at the time ...emotional , social ?...and where did you fit in .

I'm rooting for you and best of luck ,

T Bone

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  • 2 weeks later...
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Well, I sung it (I use that word loosely) to her on Christmas eve and secretly videoed it, then presented the ring. She said yes. Cried a lot.

 

I didn't change or add to the lyrics; I don't have the talent. I tried to fill in the blanks as most suggested here, but to no avail.

 

Thank you all for your interest and advice. Even though the song was lacking, you gave me enough confidence to go ahead.

 

Thanks again.

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Well, I sung it (I use that word loosely) to her on Christmas eve and secretly videoed it, then presented the ring. She said yes. Cried a lot.


I didn't change or add to the lyrics; I don't have the talent. I tried to fill in the blanks as most suggested here, but to no avail.


Thank you all for your interest and advice. Even though the song was lacking, you gave me enough confidence to go ahead.


Thanks again.

 

 

Way to go big fella:thu:

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I would like to show a video to get more feedback. I cannot sing; please forgive me!

 

The reason I'd like to post a video is to show what I came up with and get ideas for improvement. I even would like someone with talent to redo it with better vocals. (even feel free to change the melody of the lyrics)

 

I strum the chords but will change it to a fingerpicking style eventually.

 

Where should I post it? A link here?

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