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Mr.Hand!

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I just wrote this in a fit of inspiration.

 

Let me know what you think. I'm new to writing lyrics and I hope to continue, but I'm not finding it to be that easy...

 

Thanks in advance.

 

Kind of a country-ish tune...

 

Rich with Love

 

 

Chorus:

G

I

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It strikes me as a cute little song that might work pretty well with the right treatment -- except... on the page I'm feeling like there's just too much repetition in the chorus. You can get away with a bunch of repetition at the end of the song but -- unless you've got something really cool going on musically, I'm worried the 3 reps of the poor/rich lines may be too much.

 

Good work. Keep at it!

 

 

With regards to easiness... is anything worth doing ever really easy? ;) But it gets easier. Some songs are easier than others, of course. A lot of times you'll find that you slave away on your songwriting skills and nothing really comes for a while and then there'll be a breakthrough. If you learn as much as you can from the breakthrough, it will help you get the most from the next period of skill-building.

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I like the premise of this song a lot. There are some grievous errors as far as the 'rules' go, but it's still got some good potential. Finishing each line with 'you' in the chorus is pretty painful- there's a lot of simple rhymes for that one. A couple lines in the verses stick out also, but are fairly well tempered by lines before and after. A little re-write here and you could have a pretty strong song. 'Bag of love' doesn't work at all for me, but I like the surrounding lines. The 'feeling/seeing' rhyme is kind of clunky but I like the sentiment. Same with 'miss/kiss', plus you have an extra line on the intro here that I would have to hear to understand your meter.

 

It's got the start of that 'clever' country turn, I think with some rewriting you could have a good tune. Welcome to the songwriting forum, stick around and help critique for others.

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Logically, the "bag of love" line fits the song, but something about that line really bugs me. It makes me think of a crude phrase for scrotum, or slang for a used condom.

 

"Bag full of love" might help

"Heart full of love"

 

Or something...

 

Submitted respectfully,

 

oldMattB

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Logically, the "bag of love" line fits the song, but something about that line really bugs me. It makes me think of a crude phrase for scrotum, or slang for a used condom.


"Bag full of love" might help

"Heart full of love"


Or something...


Submitted respectfully,


oldMattB

 

 

HAHAHA that's funny.

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Mr. Hand!

 

My response was not meant to be funny. I spent about 20 minutes considering your lyrics before I responded.

 

I occurs to me know that the line may refer to a chest being a box - Since the previous line referred to heart, I assumed the chest was to be a part of the human anatomy, which made my word association more likely.

 

oldMattB

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I think it can be both a thoughtful, helpful post (which I think it is) and be funny, too. In a good way. But a way that brings it home.

 

And, the interesting thing is, sometimes what seems an awkward or problematic phrase actually becomes the hook by which people remember the song.

 

:)

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