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Unfinished song "Fistfuls of Desire"


griffstar

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[YOUTUBE]6qn9kkx2UAY[/YOUTUBE]

 

Its a song about alienation through the internet, cell phones, etc...

I know I still have a lot of work to do on this, but I'm having trouble finding the direction. Any help would appriciated! Thanks

 

"Fistfuls of Desire"

 

The distance, the walls

The texts, the calls

An IM, a comment

Many ways to talk, fewer ways to listen

 

Would you believe?

 

C-

The only way out of this cell

Is through a copper wire

Fistfuls of desire

If one more day gets etched into the plaster

There'll be no stopping this disaster

 

Detatched, Removed

Locked in this room

The lone window is a flickering screen

A digital boat on a binary stream

 

Would you believe?

 

C-

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Interesting approach to the changes happening under us everyday to the way we interrelate. Sounds like transposing to a different key might help get the song into a range that's not quite as much of a strain. At first I wasn't so sure about the plaster/disaster rhyme -- I mean, it's fun but it seems to call too much attention to itself. On the other hand, it does tie in to the prison metaphor -- in fact, about the only place where you might get away with it and maybe not there. I remember when I started marking off the days with hashmarks on the wall by my bed when I was about 7, my old man got kinda huffy about it... I explained that I tried it out of sight and could erase the pencil marks with an eraser but he didn't go for it. Turned out to be a bigger pain in the neck to erase than I thought... :D

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I took a listen. Ok, yeah, it's rough, but we understand this is a workfile.

 

I'm not sure how the term "a fistful of desire" works with this concept... you mean like maybe one's hand on a mouse? Maybe that could work... And any song that uses actual modern terms, such as "IM", I think that's lyrically bad! (IMHO) I think you should find a way to describe it that doesn't use actual term, for instance, when you used the term "copper wire". See, now that term isn't as technical and everyone still gets what you meant. Maybe you could throw in concepts like talking face to face, yet in a room that is completely empty...

 

The chorus flows nicely.

 

Overall, a nice timeless kind of feel to the overall song, once the kinks are worked out. The direction is good, I think you just need to, in a couple places, make the lyrics less "technical" and more metaphorical or plainspeak.

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OK...nice piano playing but I could'nt hear your vocal over the loudness of the keys...maybe if you could play softer or place the mic in a position that places more emphasis on the vocal then it would be easier to help answer the direction question you have...part of the idea to help would be showing the lyrics...

 

Maybe two tracks...one piano and one vocal...have no idea how to help right now...sorry

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Through a copper....wire....

Fistfuls of desire.

 

I like the cadence of that line particularly.....good delivery. And the key that you are in seems to push your voice to its natural limit which, for me, gives the overall performance a sense of urgency.

 

Not sure about the subject matter, though.

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First thanks for all the feedback.

 

Blue2blue, I agree about the plaster/disaster rhyme being forced. I really liked the "etched into the plaster" line when I wrote it and was looking for anything I could get to go with it. The search continues... btw, At least you only used pencil, when I was 7, I discovered the wonders of spray paint much to my mother's chagrin. I spent the better part of a month scraping that garage...

 

Bodygaurd2112, I see what you mean about the technical speak. I'll see what I can come up with to fix it. You nailed part of the Fistfuls referance with the mouse but its also refering to cell phones as well. But good catch, I didn't expect that to be picked up so quickly.

 

Nirvana728, I can think of a couple places in the verses that are choppy in their wording. "Many ways to talk..." for one. I like the gist of the line, but I'm having trouble expressing it in a more concise or metaphorical way.

 

tbryson, I put annotations in the video with the lyrics for that very reason. But I should have also typed and posted them in the thread as well. As soon as I finish this post that's my next task. And the only reason I demo'd this on my camera was b/c my multi-track was still in the shop (stupid faulty motherboards). My next attempt of this song will be a much better recording.

 

That key is hit or miss for me. Some days I can hit those notes with very little strain, other days not so much... I'm a natural baritone that's been working on extending my range over the last 4 or so years for my harmony work in my band. Part of that is writing stuff that's a little out of my range and working on it until I can hit the notes. I'll try transposing it down a little. Maybe a half or whole step.

 

Again thank you for all your replies. I'll get back to work on this and see what I can come up with.

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