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Johnny Lightboy

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Well... there are no rules that say that a song has to either rhyme or not rhyme... some folks will have a verse that doesn't rhyme and a chorus that does. Some folks build in subtle internal rhymes. Some folks eschew rhyming entirely. But this song starts out rhyming in a big way -- AAAB -- but then seems to abandon the effort for the most part by the second stanza.

 

That aside, it sounds like you've got the core of a touching and bittersweet song, here. With the right music and delivery, it might be just right as it is.

 

 

Don't think I've seen you around the Songwriting Forum much but I hope you'll stick around (I'm the mod for this forum), hang out, discuss songwriting, and offer feedback and constructive criticism to others when they're looking for it. It's a great way to get to know others and let them get to know you, and that will make getting good feedback/critiques that much easier. (It's an on-topic, work-oriented forum, so it might be worthwhile glancing at the rules at the top of the forum listing -- but they're pretty simple: no blatant self-promo or posting finished, released works; no fan threads; post a warning in the thread title for 'adult' topics/language; keep things civil. That's pretty much it, off the top of my head.)

 

:)

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I think you've got some good stuff going but...

 

You're not keeping your sections straight. AABA? ABAB? AAA? I'm confused and I suspect you might be as well. But... there's that but again there's something there.

 

Wipe a tear, name in stone

Lay a flower, I now stand alone

My love, so dear

 

You haven't just ended a romance, she's passed away? Yes? I think you've got the beginnings of a cool switcheroo song. Describe your loss of her love then toward the end hit them with the big bang. Prolong the zinger and maybe twist the verse (chorus) to heighten the effect

 

Wipe a tear and stand alone

I lay a flower on your name in stone

 

?

 

You need to tighten up your form a bit. I hope you made this up. Sorry if you didn't and I'm being insensitive.

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