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Carpe Diem


ALyricman

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Please comment and correct.

 

I must seize every day

If I want to strike the beam then

What is it that makes me sing

I don't know why I'm waiting

 

I can't make the first step

I am out of step because of you

Who can change my fate?

the only Answer is you

 

Now I am done and alone

Like every monk and bachelor

I kneel near my friends

And pray for mercy and new chance

 

Love flying in the wind

Spring is under the door

Evil is somewhere behind

For all that I can't find the shore

 

(Chorus)

Singing is salvation

From everything that makes your passion

Surrender is last action

I'd use it if I don't have another choice

Bring out your voice

And sing the words of my song

I know it is not wrong

Breathe deep

And make your feelings free

Breathe deep now

Only free man know how

 

I am climbing over a hill

I can't explain my feel now

Mind is still insoluble enigma

My life was under the southern border

 

Now I am free to seize the day

I must eke out lost time

Life from day-to-day is

Like an orchestra without a composer

 

Love flying in the wind

Spring is under the door

Evil is somewhere behind

For all that I can't find the shore

 

(Chorus)

Singing is salvation

From everything what make your passion

Waiver is last action

I use it if I don't have another choice

Bring out your voice

And sing the words of my song

I know it is not wrong

Breathe deep

And make your feel free

Breathe deep now

Only free man know how

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I must seize every day

If I want to strike the beam then

What is it that makes me sing

I don't know why I'm waiting

 

I can't make the first step

I am out of step because of you

Who can change my fate?

the only Answer is you

 

Now I am done and alone

Like every monk and bachelor

I kneel near my friends

And pray for mercy and A new chance

 

Love IS flying in the wind

Spring is under the door

Evil is somewhere behind

For all that I can't find the shore

 

(Chorus)

Singing is salvation

From everything that makes your passion

Surrender is THE last action

I'd use it if I don't have another choice

Bring out your voice

And sing the words of my song

I know it is not wrong

Breathe deep

And make your feelings free

Breathe deep now

Only THE free man knowS how

 

I am climbing over a hill

I can't explain my feelINGS now

MY Mind is still AN insoluble enigma

My life was under the southern border

 

Now I am free to seize the day

I must eke out lost time

Life from day-to-day is

Like an orchestra without a composer

 

Love IS flying in the wind

Spring is under the door

Evil is somewhere behind

For all that I can't find the shore

 

(Chorus)

Singing is salvation

From everything what make your passion

Waiver is THE last action

I'D use it if I don't have another choice

Bring out your voice

And sing the words of my song

I know it is not wrong

Breathe deep

And make your feel free

Breathe deep now

Only THE free man knowS how

 

Overall pretty solid. Just a few tweaks.

 

EG

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I'd like to see just one or two more specific and concrete images to help this become less vague. Look to your pronouns and see if you can make the references more clear. Good work good theme. More concrete images would bring it home and give deeper meaning and more resonance.

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.


I can't make the first step

I am out of step because of you

Who can change my fate?

the only Answer is you


 

 

I don't like seeing STEP so close to each other, I like the phrase and idea of "I am out of step" so I would change the first line.

 

I can't make the first MOVE

 

and then I would maybe switch the next line to make it connect with the first a little smoother.

 

I can't make the first MOVE

because I'm out of step with you/from you

 

 

I would also just look the whole peice in general and make it feel more honest, it doesn't feel personal when I read it. There's a lot of fluff, scale some of that back and put in/work out real feelings and emotions.

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