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Betrayal And Your Face (The best original I've ever done)


samuraiBSD

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So many hours went into this, I don't even know why we didn't give up, but here we are, and the song is finally done. Now first a few things:

-I know I can't sing. Seriously. I don't need a ton of comments on that.

-I know the volumes might be a little wonky at places, I'm still working on that, this is merely a demo.

 

I tell you these not because I'm self-conscious or anything, but just because I don't have a *need* for people pointing out things I already know.

 

Now let's get to it :)

 

I apologize for my "notation" in the lyrics, as this is copy and pasted directly from my song notes. The lyrics were originally quite a bit longer, but I shortened it to make room for the guitar work at the end. Oh, and the title is definitely not set in stone, that can change, so if there are any suggestions on that, feel free to post them :)

 

The link is to box.net, and it will give the option to stream or download the file. The choice is yours.

 

Betrayal And Your Face

 

 

I think it's time you kissed the ceiling fan

Or cuddled with razor blades.

Now it's your turn

to feel the ice

it takes over the hole in your chest

and skin and veins


They didn't tell me

it was such a fine line

between betrayal and your face.

(You killed what we had started!)

But if they followed

the stairway to hell

I'm sure they'd wind up at your place (at your place)

I think it was enough when you stabbed my

heart the first time you saw it.

But back then,

it wasn't mine

Not that it was stolen like breath from your lungs

by propane torches


They didn't tell me

it was such a fine line

between betrayal and your face.

(You killed what we had started!)

But if they followed

the stairway to hell

I'm sure they'd wind up at your place (at your place)

I tried so hard (I tried so hard)

Ran so far (Ran so far)

And now there's fire down below

So promise me you'll throw in >

 

 

Thank'ee all so much!

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I love the concept.

 

I don't listen to electric guitar Rock - so the music was a zero for me.

 

Lyrics are part of the concept I really like. They could be better

in places. But they're pretty good as is.

 

What I liked best ---

 

There is a vaguely bored, blase, quality about the singer's voice.

These lyrics are raging, flaming, furious at the betrayal. Yet, they're being sung

by someone who sounds like he is bored with the whole thing.

 

That's what I liked best. It's an ironic juxtaposition.

 

Put a little more boredom in your voice. Yawn.

It would be really great.

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It's an ironic juxtaposition.

 

I think you should work with this concept when you get serious about tracking the vox.

 

They didn't tell me it was such a fine line between betrayal and your face.......that's a pretty good hook line in any genre.

 

This isn't my kind of music but......if it was I bet I'd like this tune a lot.:)

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I can't say I didn't see it coming that a lot of people here wouldn't be into electric guitar music, so that's hardly shocking. In any case, thanks for the kind words. I'm ashamed to say the bored tone of my voice was completely unintentional and was probably a result of me trying to keep my voice from cracking, but if it works, I'll go with it! Are there any specific suggestions on improving the lyrics? I'm always looking for suggestions there because I know what sounds good in my head at the time might not work in the final product. Again, thanks!

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Yeah, I know you said you can't sing.

 

But man, ok, it's blase like the other guy said, and pitchy.

 

The Oscar Grouch part is better. And I don't even like Grouch voice singing.

 

I like guitar rock. The solo needs some work at the end, kind of annoyingly one note.

 

I think what you need is to just go balls out man. Let it rip. Bad is okay if it has emotion and energy.

 

Good song idea. Go back and do the vocals and put some oomph into the verse. And fix that solo at the end.

 

For solos, sometimes less is more.

 

I look forward to this when it's done up nice.

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I'm of the opinion that the most important part of a song is the vocals. In this case I think you need to work on the melody, pitch and timing of the vocals. They are rushed in some spots. I'd also suggest changing the key to a higher one so you get some punch in the vocals - they're monotone now and there's few dynamics.

 

On a positive note, I like the lyrics, the backing tracks and the songwriting/arrangement overall. I think the cookie monster vocals were a nice idea and well placed.

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First I'll say this: Your song has a strange charm to it.

 

But dude - I know you said not to rag - but you really can't sing. Don't let that hold you back from fronting a song, though.

 

Here's my suggestion - stop trying to sing like you can sing. Forget what that dude said about working on pitch and melody and all that. Your voice has a natural and intriguing deadpan quality. You lose that when you try to actually hit notes. It's kind of painful to hear, actually. You shoul embrace a sing/speak style. There are a surprising number of successful singers that can't sing. Reference John McCea of Cake, Post-Velvelts Lou Reed and, my favorite non-singing singer, Tim Armstrong of Rancid. You don't sound anything like them. But I'd embrace the spirit of their singing, not the style.

 

Also, I think you may have to make a conscious choice to be ironic. Some of the {censored} in your song might unintionally hilarious. That Oscar the grouch refrain? It's totally absurb. And I love it! I think you're being earnest, though. I don't like having a laugh at anyone. You should wink at us, you know? Especially with 80s Monster rock resurging.

 

I know it sounds like I"m ripping you. But I actually rather enjoyed your song. It's really unique. It's got a nice structure, and some delightfully hammy riffs. I also like your deadpan delivery.

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One more thought on the lyrics. I'd dump this verse:

 

"I think it was enough when you stabbed my

heart the first time you saw it.

But back then,

it wasn't mine

Not that it was stolen like breath from your lungs

by propane torches"

 

Forget talking about what this bitch did to you. Tell us more about what's its time for her to do. My favorite line is the first, where you tell her to kiss the ceiling fan and hug some razor blades. That is wicked {censored}!

 

Can you think of anything else twisted for her to do that mirrors that line?

 

I think it's time you....stuffed a grenade in your panties and pulled the pin? Kissed the end of an aluminum baseball bat? Dove headfirst into an empty swimming pool? I don't know what. You obviously have a sick mind - put that baby to work.

 

And I listened to this song again - I dig it, man!

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One more thought on the lyrics. I'd dump this verse:


"I think it was enough when you stabbed my

heart the first time you saw it.

But back then,

it wasn't mine

Not that it was stolen like breath from your lungs

by propane torches"


Forget talking about what this bitch did to you. Tell us more about what's its time for her to do. My favorite line is the first, where you tell her to kiss the ceiling fan and hug some razor blades. That is wicked {censored}!


Can you think of anything else twisted for her to do that mirrors that line?


I think it's time you....stuffed a grenade in your panties and pulled the pin? Kissed the end of an aluminum baseball bat? Dove headfirst into an empty swimming pool? I don't know what. You obviously have a sick mind - put that baby to work.


And I listened to this song again - I dig it, man!

 

Haha, thanks for the compliment. I was considering dumping that verse for something else, just because the lyrics kind of didn't fit with the melody real well. I'm also glad to hear that someone liked my first lines, since those are my favorite as well.

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