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Looking for feedback on my 2 new rock songs.


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I've just finished recording two new rock songs, and I was looking to get some feedback/critiquing of both of them. I'm not really looking for feedback as to the recording quality (I did these myself in my bedroom), but any other feedback about the song structure, instrumentation, vocal melody, etc. (whatever you can think of, really) is more than welcome. Also, in case any of you remember seeing my previous thread, I'm very new to writing lyrics still, and they're my weak point I feel, so if you feel like paying special attention to the lyrics and letting me know where they could use some tinkering or where they could be improved on it would be greatly appreciated!

 

Thanks in advance, and with no further ado, here are my songs (both are on Soundclick).

 

M13

Have I gone completely crazy?

Am I going insane?

Am I flying off the walls again?

Am I completely out of place?

Am I gonna have a nightmare?

The one with all of the snakes

Am I safe inside of these walls?

The ones that are slowly closing in

 

If you knew what I go through daily

Maybe you would have some sympathy

I panic about all the little things

and slowly I know I

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Some thoughts on M13: (haven't had time to listen to the second one yet)

 

-Great intro. However I think it and the first two instrumental breaks could be shorter. You can say what you need to say (musically)in about half the time probably.

 

-I can't understand the words without the lyrics in front of me. Maybe that's what you were going for but I can see room for more distinction on the vocals. You have a great voice.

 

-I think the two pre-choruses could be shorter (If you knew...). Also look into the way the syllables fall in the pre-chorus. I think it could be delivered a little more straight-forward and would be more effective that way.

 

-I think your lyrics are fantastic and very un-cliche. However one line pops out at me - "The one with all the snakes" That's the only line that strikes me as having room for improvement.

 

-Lastly, I think a more defined bridge could be added that would give this song a climax.

 

Great song! Reminds a little of NIN meets Ween in a really good way. The drum machine sounds good IMO.

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OK, I'll be the next person to say that the vocals are underwhelmingly represented on M13. But another thing I notice on both songs it that you have really energetic, passionate music, but your voice isn't matching that passion. Given the music, I would expect an upfront, and in your face vocal, with a little shouting it out.

 

I like the musical groove on M13 and the chorus or bridge on The Stranger. This isn't my kind of music. I found the verse music in The Stranger to be just noise for me. I write very soft stuff by comparison, but I can tell that you are talented.

 

So take this criticism with a grain of salt, but maybe you should rhyme more in M13.

 

Another thing I don't understand is in the other song, you are stating flatly that you don't like what this woman has become, but then earlier you say you want to hold her, and in the chorus you are giving her advice. So is love, I guess, but it doesn't make much sense for me.

 

I like the change in timing and feel of the chorus in the Stranger.

 

Beakybird

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OK, I'll be the next person to say that the vocals are underwhelmingly represented on M13. But another thing I notice on both songs it that you have really energetic, passionate music, but your voice isn't matching that passion. Given the music, I would expect an upfront, and in your face vocal, with a little shouting it out.


I like the musical groove on M13 and the chorus or bridge on The Stranger. This isn't my kind of music. I found the verse music in The Stranger to be just noise for me. I write very soft stuff by comparison, but I can tell that you are talented.


So take this criticism with a grain of salt, but maybe you should rhyme more in M13.


Another thing I don't understand is in the other song, you are stating flatly that you don't like what this woman has become, but then earlier you say you want to hold her, and in the chorus you are giving her advice. So is love, I guess, but it doesn't make much sense for me.


I like the change in timing and feel of the chorus in the Stranger.


Beakybird

 

So I think I need to turn the vocals up a bit on M13 haha. When you were mentioning my vocals not really matching the music though; I know it's a problem. I can't really sing any differently though without it sounding bad. My voice cracks if I try to get too intense when singing, but I'm planning on trying to get some vocal lessons in the near future. As of now, I've had no lessons, so I'm just singing how I know how to do it, but I agree that I need some more aggressive vocals for the songs once I learn how to do it.

 

I'll look into rhyming more on M13, but I always have trouble making things rhyme and not sound cliched. I guess not rhyming is the easiest way for me to avoid cliche, but I'll see what I can do, because I do think more rhyming would probably help.

 

As far as lyrics for The Stranger, I guess it's just one of those things where you loved the girl, and as much as she has changed you still can't completely get over her. Basically, you may not still be in love with her, but there are still going to be times where you feel like you might be, and you'll always feel something special at least. I dunno. It made sense to me at the time, but if it's confusing for people, I'll see if I can rework it somehow.

 

 

Thanks again for all your comments! I'll get to work on trying to implement some of the suggestions you've given me, and I appreciate the compliments a lot too.

 

In the meantime, it says that 120 some odd people have looked at this thread, and only 3 people have commented so far. :cop: No need to be shy in sharing your opinions with me. Whether they be good or bad, I'd love to hear what you all have to say so I can know what parts of the songs work, and what needs fixing, what is well done, what could be better implemented, etc.

 

 

Hope to hear from more of you soon! Thanks again.

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I can relate on vocal limitations. I have ideas that soar to the sky, but my voice is stuck in the 1 1/2 octave range.

 

And I can relate to the dearth of feedback. I just had one feedback for my recent song, and a rather laconic and vacuous commentary I received.

 

Guess we'll have to play it for our moms!;)

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M13

 

You have a pleasant sounding voice, it should be higher in the mix. The vocal melody is good, and provides a nice contrast to the lyrics, which I had sort of pictured as some kind of brootalz/Cookie Monster workout. You know about the robo-drummer issues, so I won't belabor the point. The guitar work gets a little wanky/noodly/long - some dynamic changes would really help. Now I loves me some tempo-synched effects, but that oscillating resonant filter started to wear on me by the second time through the song - you can easily create contrast and interest by clicking off the effect periodically.

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M13


You have a pleasant sounding voice, it should be higher in the mix. The vocal melody is good, and provides a nice contrast to the lyrics, which I had sort of pictured as some kind of brootalz/Cookie Monster workout. You know about the robo-drummer issues, so I won't belabor the point. The guitar work gets a little wanky/noodly/long - some dynamic changes would really help. Now I loves me some tempo-synched effects, but that oscillating resonant filter started to wear on me by the second time through the song - you can easily create contrast and interest by clicking off the effect periodically.

 

Voice=louder. Definitely the first thing on my checklist. Now, when it comes to the brootalz lyrics, I don't listen to a lot of metal, but aren't the lyrics typically pretty awful? I mean, I'm just going off what I've heard, but are you hinting that you don't like the lyrics (that they're cheesy or something), or were you just saying the content reminded you of something that would be in a song like that? Just trying to make sure I fully understand your critique, but either way, I'm glad you think it's a good contrast from what you said.

 

When you say the guitar gets a little noodly, are you referring to the end of the song, or all throughout the song? The end was supposed to be a solo originally, but I tried to improvise it with the effects still on, and it ended up turning out like it did. Personally, I kind of liked it (then again, I'm biased since I wrote the song), but if people who are listening to the song aren't going to enjoy it because it seems too self-indulgent, I can try to scale it back.

 

As for turning the effect on the lead guitar off periodically, I thought that's what I was doing during the verses. I had a feeling that issue might come up while I was recording that the effects might be a bit much, but I wasn't sure where to scale back on it. I think it's important to the instrumental interludes and the chorus, and it's not going during the verses already, so should I leave the effects off during the outro/solo of the song? Maybe if I only used the effects on part of the outro that could help keep the solo from sounding too noodly and help to relieve the listener for a little bit from the effects. I'd be interested to hear if you have any more elaboration on what you think in this regard. Thanks for your help though!

 

 

Thanks again, and I'd still love to hear any other comments people have. :wave:

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So, I updated M13. I didn't go through and actually re-record anything though, I just boosted the vocals in the mix and cut 8 measures out of the solo so it didn't seem so wanky, and to try and not completely abuse the guitar effect anymore than I already am. So let me know what you think of the updated version, and what things you still think need changed in the song.

 

Also, most of the comments I've gotten so far have been for M13. I haven't heard much at all about The Stranger, so if anyone wants to give me some feedback on that song that would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks again, and I hope you guys like the new version of M13. Hope to hear from some of you soon. :)

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M13: In the best way I am reminded of Bad Religion with this tune. It really has that overall feel, especially with the delivery. And because of that, I think the repetition in the verses works really well. I dig how "With an M13" sounds a little farther away until the last run through.

 

Over all I really dig it, it brings me back to discovering BR.

 

I would consider blending in some unswishy guitar.(but I'm also on a laptop so I really shouldn't comment of sounds.)

 

Off to listen to the next track.

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The Stranger:

I really like the chorus. If it were me, I would go listen to the Foo Fighters first two albums and then come back to this tune and Foo it out a little bit. But that might just be the vibe I'm getting.

 

You have some good songs on your hands!

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The Stranger:

I really like the chorus. If it were me, I would go listen to the Foo Fighters first two albums and then come back to this tune and Foo it out a little bit. But that might just be the vibe I'm getting.


You have some good songs on your hands!

 

 

Ah, yes. I hadn't thought of the Foo Fighters on this one. I think I was listening to the Smashing Pumpkins a lot when I wrote this one, but I'll dig through my Foos collection and see what I can do with it.

 

Thanks for your compliments on both songs though. I really appreciate it. Also, may I say that Rashida Jones is incredibly hot? haha

 

Thanks again, everyone, and I'm always open to more comments.

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I actually really like this a lot. Especially Stranger. You need to sing out more .. maybe being in your bedroom prevented you from getting loud, but I can tell you have a good voice from that part in the verse of Stranger where you kick up the register a bit.

 

The structure is good, everything is good. Just sing louder and with more confidence.

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hey rhcp311,

 

I'm liking the stranger quite a bit. I really like that pre-chorus break where things kind of stop and you anticipate the chorus, it's very exciting.

 

'don't be afraid' is a great phrase, really one of the great hooks of the song.

 

I have a suggestion on mixing. On the vocals try cutting the lows brutally, up to 300, 400 even 500 hz. you have a lot of wooly low freq's in the vocal, which you can get rid of, then you can maybe raise the vocal in the mix and it will sound clean and clear. thin it out and crisp it up if you know what i mean. i believe this is very common to do and it doesn't need to sound like a telephone speaker.

 

Once you do this you can start experimenting with some doubling or harmonies in the chorus which i think would be really cool. and also maybe add some effects.

 

i'd like more tension in the main riff, it seems too routine/resolved if you know what i mean. the riff that begins the song. the last note of the riff, i think the c# ends on the lower g# ... maybe try something like the higher d#, e, something a little less resolved. i'm not sure exactly but the verse seems to need more of a question that the chorus can then answer.

 

hope that makes sense! good song anyway.

 

spazdr8cr

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Hey rhcp - I just listened to The Stranger and I really like it. That intro is balls-out awesome!

 

I think enough has been said about the vox needing better placement in the mix. I would consider using more doubling and harmonies to enhance the vox.

 

Consider adding more hooks - small passages where you vocally or instrumentally add a something-special here and there. Listen to Bob Marley or Tom Petty for a bajillion examples.

 

Good God that drum machine's high hat is so shrilly. What are you using for a drum machine? Consider finding something new. I know programming drums is no easy task but a different program or machine might be easier than what you're using now.

 

I think this is a really well-constructed song. The line with the word innocence stuck out to me as needing improvement. But I really liked the structure a lot. I think the solo is cool and well played and the tone fits the song. The chorus is actually stuck in my head now which is an awesome thing unto itself.

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Hey rhcp - I just listened to The Stranger and I really like it. That intro is balls-out awesome!


I think enough has been said about the vox needing better placement in the mix. I would consider using more doubling and harmonies to enhance the vox.


Consider adding more hooks - small passages where you vocally or instrumentally add a something-special here and there. Listen to Bob Marley or Tom Petty for a bajillion examples.


Good God that drum machine's high hat is so shrilly. What are you using for a drum machine? Consider finding something new. I know programming drums is no easy task but a different program or machine might be easier than what you're using now.


I think this is a really well-constructed song. The line with the word innocence stuck out to me as needing improvement. But I really liked the structure a lot. I think the solo is cool and well played and the tone fits the song. The chorus is actually stuck in my head now which is an awesome thing unto itself.

 

 

Thanks, man! I'll see what I can do about throwing some vocal fills in there. I do agree that I think some variation could definitely help spice things up during the verses, and some harmonies in the chorus could be helpful as well.

 

Ah, yes. The dreaded drum machine. I'm using a Boss BR900CD to record everything, and it's got a built in drum machine that I've been using. I may be talking to a guy in the next few days/week or so who might be willing to lay down the tracks for me with his acoustic drums, so hopefully I won't have to worry about the drum machine for much longer, but I'll see what I can do if I have to stick with it.

 

Hearing that the chorus is stuck in your head is an awesome feeling for me, so thanks a ton for that one. Also, what about the innocence line struck you wrong, exactly? Was it the lyrics or the delivery? Just wondering what you would change. Thanks again for everything though.

 

 

Thanks again for everything so far, everyone. I really do appreciate it, and I'm working on trying to rewrite some of these changes into the songs as we speak, but if anyone else has more to tell me, I'm always open to suggestions.

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