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Newest (shortest) song for your critique


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Written in 2 days and recorded/mixed in a coupe hours. Clocking at around 3:45 it is my shortest complete song so far. I'm still tinkering but I'd really appreciate any input if have any thoughts about the song. It's mostly the arrangement I'm concerned about. Thanks for any thoughts/listens.

 

http://myspace.com/miscskeleton

 

Don Juan's power

 

[verse 1]

When it's my turn to shake hands with nowhere

I hope no water's wasted

It's really been a pleasure to know ya'

And all those days we tasted

 

[verse 2]

When my thoughts are all dissolved into paper

and assorted tapes that I left

I hope you inhale me from the ether

keep my ghost on your breath

 

[chorus]

I know that it's safer

To stay away from Don Juan's guests

but I can think of one more frontier

It's housing me under duress

 

[verse 3]

Your oceans wave in anticipation

but my vision of you is waning

there's an apparition on your skin

Who's hungry and waiting

 

[verse 4]

For me to take the plunge and swim

To my vessel and embark

I can see an iridescent horizon

and await the insight it will impart

 

[chorus]

I know that it's safer

To stay away from Don Juan's guests

but I can think of one more frontier

It's housing me under duress

 

[out]

I don't keep a calender

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Pretty cool. Your voice sounds good..not a traditional-sounding voice, but you definitely pull off it off. Smells like modest mouse or pavement or something like that. I thought a lot of the lyrics sounded cool, but to be honest, I couldn't fathom what the song's intention is.

 

I think the chorus doesn't depart strongly enough from the verse musically/melodically. It's totally serviceable, but I think that crafting a sing-along chorus would make the song a killer.

 

Pretty cool stuff. Keep posting...I dig.

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Thanks. I appreciate it. I was trying to hint at the song being about dying but more subtly, it's about a time where I took an egregious amount of psychedelics and was convinced I was dead. There were a bunch of double meanings in there such as 'paper' and 'ether'. The Don Juan reference is something only one other person would understand so I don't expect people to get much from that.

 

I'll work with the chorus and see if I can get it a little more hooky. I'm glad you liked it. I'm definitely a fan of Modest Mouse but I haven't heard of Pavement. I suppose I'll have to take a listen.

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Guitar is pretty good - the chord progression is interesting and the performance has some emotional dynamics. Vocals sound like Ian Curtis with a little Ben Gibbard. The lyric is pure gibberish, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but the vocals are really in the foreground of the production and that draws more attention to the lyric than it can comfortably support.

 

Maybe I'm being overly harsh on the lyric, but the Joni Mitchell song ("Don Juan's Reckless Daughter") is a tough matchup for anyone, as basketball announcers are wont to say.

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The song really doesn't have anything to do with Don Juan. I thought this one was my clearest idea. To put it pretty simply it's my saying goodbye to the sober/possibly living world as I ingest a tit load of psychedelics. I thought people would at least get an idea of dying from it. hmmmm....

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I don't mind the way the lyrics run.

 

They fit with your esoteric styling, which, btw, you should consider developing even further as such. What I mean is....that whole guitar/drums vox thing is very raw and therein lies it allure.......a little Morphine..esque.

 

You are doing some strange things with a second guit part there....draws the listener in.

 

And the whistling.........

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Very Modest Mouse esque..

 

I dig it... ofcourse, Modest Mouse is hit or miss with some people, but the people that dig it, really dig it.. and this definitely has a similar feel to their music instrumentally and vocally.

 

I would have responded earlier, but didnt see it I guess.

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Thanks guys. I'm still very new to writing songs, rather than just instrumental stuff I think is fun to play, so I'll keep working on developing my style. I never really thought of us sounding like MM before but I suppose it does has a similar feel, especially their old stuff. I keep getting this DCFC comparisons too but I think it stems from the way I enunciate. Anyway, thanks for the opinions and listens. :)

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