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"Floating Feather" (feedback appreciated)


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Heres a new song of mine, called "Floating Feather"

link: www.soundclick.com/brightmidnight

 

Lyrics:

If only things were simple

If only I knew

I wouldnt be sitting crosseyed slipping into this sleepy mood

Come and get me out of hibernation

Maybe we can make a celebration

For you

 

Catch me now im a floating feather

Cant stay this long under this windy weather

Can you help me break this daze of mine

This daze of mine

this daze of mine

 

If only i werent so heavy handed

If only i didnt know

I wouldnt be stranded in this recurring dream of mine

So i think im leaving

Im tired of living behind these rules unwritten

ohh.. help me

 

Catch me now im a floating feather

Cant stay this long under this windy weather

Can you help me break this daze of mine

This daze of mine

this daze of mine

 

A cold bright room

its an angels cell

wonder how hard, how far she fell

a queen

left all alone

a jester set to take the throne

 

can you help me break this daze of mine

this daze of mine, this daze of mine x3

 

Catch me now im a floating feather

Cant stay this long under this windy weather

Can you help me break this daze of mine

This daze of mine

this daze of mine

 

tell me what you think

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I started off typing a bunch of comments about the recording (because it needs a lot of work) and the musical performance but then I thought, maybe that's not what you are after...this is the songwriting forum after all. So, I'll try get past the problems with the production/music, etc and comment on the song itself.

 

1. Your phrasing, at times, doesn't seem to work with the meter/rhyme scheme of the song. An example would be the way you hold out the word "celebration." That choice of phrasing didn't jive very well with the meter/rhyme scheme set up previously. This happens several times throughout the song and prevents any of the lines from being memorable or "hooky."

 

2. There is really no clear melody in this song. I don't know if that's just the way it was sung or if no melody was ever established before this recording was done. Either way, without a melody in the verses/chorus it's going to be very hard to hold a listener's attention.

 

3. The breakdown was a good idea...a change of pace was in order...but the content of that breakdown was a bit weak in my opinion.

 

4. OK, I can't resist it any more...I think it's actually hard for me to evaluate the song based on this recording/performance. I'm having a hard time focusing on the song when I'm distracted by the pushing/pulling rhythm and the balance issues from instrument to instrument, etc. The whole mix seems to tilt heavily to the right side of the stereo spectrum and that by itself makes it hard to listen to.

 

Hope that helps at some level.

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Heres a new song of mine, called "Floating Feather"

link:
www.soundclick.com/brightmidnight


Lyrics:

If only things were simple

If only I knew

I wouldnt be sitting crosseyed slipping into this sleepy mood

Come and get me out of hibernation

Maybe we can make a celebration

For you


Catch me now im a floating feather

Cant stay this long under this windy weather

Can you help me break this daze of mine

This daze of mine

this daze of mine


If only i werent so heavy handed

If only i didnt know

I wouldnt be stranded in this recurring dream of mine

So i think im leaving

Im tired of living behind these rules unwritten

ohh.. help me


Catch me now im a floating feather

Cant stay this long under this windy weather

Can you help me break this daze of mine

This daze of mine

this daze of mine


A cold bright room

its an angels cell

wonder how hard, how far she fell

a queen

left all alone

a jester set to take the throne


can you help me break this daze of mine

this daze of mine, this daze of mine x3


Catch me now im a floating feather

Cant stay this long under this windy weather

Can you help me break this daze of mine

This daze of mine

this daze of mine


tell me what you think

This almost feels in danger of tearing itself apart going in different directions. The post-rock type vocals over sections that alternate between a kind of mid-70s protopunk (we're gonna have to put you guys on a reverb ration, I think you used up three or four other bands' allotments on this one alone :D ).

 

I like the ideas here a lot. But the conceptualization here seems to be crying out for a fair bit more musical precision than you're delivering. (That said, it sounds pretty darnn live, and this isn't, after all, the performance forum, but the songwriting forum. Still, while there's nothing wrong with writing in a style that demands more than you might be able to deliver consistently, a gand still has to think about what they can pull off and tinker their song bag to that.)

 

I definitely appreciate the stretch and ambition at work here... I think you're reaching in an interesting direction. (And lastly, I rather like the retro echo-roll outro. It's kind of like you rolled all that reverb up into a pulsing ball and rolled it out the door.)

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This almost feels in danger of tearing itself apart going in different directions. The post-rock type vocals over sections that alternate between a kind of mid-70s protopunk (we're gonna have to put you guys on a reverb ration, I think you used up three or four other bands' allotments on this one alone
:D
).


I like the
ideas
here a lot. But the conceptualization here seems to be crying out for a fair bit more musical precision than you're delivering. (That said, it sounds pretty darnn live, and this isn't, after all, the
performance
forum, but the song
writing
forum. Still, while there's nothing wrong with writing in a style that demands more than you might be able to deliver consistently, a gand still has to think about what they can pull off and tinker their song bag to that.)


I definitely appreciate the stretch and ambition at work here... I think you're reaching in an interesting direction. (And lastly, I rather like the retro echo-roll outro. It's kind of like you rolled all that reverb up into a pulsing ball and rolled it out the door.)

 

 

yeah haha i was trying for a joy division/smiths sound with the drums/guitar, and with the vocals i tried for a strokes/doors bluesy baritone. as one poster on a different forum said, "you sound like the vocal love child of julian casablancas and jim morrison" which ill take as a huge compliment haha, since im overly self-conscious about my voice. i recorded the entire song myself, (drums, guitars, vocals) since i dont have a bass on me currently, so ill take any critiscism about any part haha.

 

part of the reverb is from my garage, more from my tiled bathroom vocal booth, plus added logic space designer, so i think i need to tone it down haha.

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Very Dinosaur Jr. ish, I kind of like it, it could be a great song. The drums sound panned way left, this is kind of distracting and I think there's way too much reverb in the vocals, they may be better with just a tinge. It's a pretty cool song and took me back to the 90's alternative scene.

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Here is my two cents.. I feel like it has kind of a jumbly feel and needs mnore groove.. Maybe work on the lyrics and phrasing so it fits in with the groove.. i felt sometimes the lyrics were forced into a space they didnt really fit..

 

Its something I usually develp over time with my own songs though.. As I play them the words morph in both phrasing and meaning which is interesting as the message can change in ways you hadnt considered originally.

 

I am no expert by anymeans and i guess i subscribe to the school of big hooks and catchy melodies.. i love the idea of the song and i also really liked how it changed at the end and kind of got more ethereal.

 

Keep playing with it and see what happens

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Here is my two cents.. I feel like it has kind of a jumbly feel and needs mnore groove.. Maybe work on the lyrics and phrasing so it fits in with the groove.. i felt sometimes the lyrics were forced into a space they didnt really fit..


Its something I usually develp over time with my own songs though.. As I play them the words morph in both phrasing and meaning which is interesting as the message can change in ways you hadnt considered originally.


I am no expert by anymeans and i guess i subscribe to the school of big hooks and catchy melodies.. i love the idea of the song and i also really liked how it changed at the end and kind of got more ethereal.


Keep playing with it and see what happens

 

 

thanks for listening! im working on this song constantly, hopefully ill have a new version up soon!

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it's hard for me to comment on this....

 

The vocals were very distracting to me. I couldn't find one part that sounded like it fit with the actual music. It was out of key and time. It might have just been the production quality but that's what I heard......

 

You said you were the one who played everything on this and I can kind of tell what you are better at by the tempo at which you play each instrument. The drums and lead guitar seem to be on the front end of the beat while the bass (or what sounds like a bass) and vocals are on the back end of the beat. While this technique can be effective at times, I felt the margin of difference between each instrument made everything sound a bit jumbled together....

 

Structure and thought were good, only thing I can recommend is practice, practice, practice...but that's ALWAYS a given ;)

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The recording feels a bit jumbled, kinda like the tempo is changing a bit. The musicianship is defiantly there though. I think just working on a describable melody would help this song a lot.

 

 

yeah i just made it up as i went haha. bad decision. oh well. thanks for listening though! once i can get into a studio, i think it would a lot easier not worrying about the production side haha

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The timing seems off. Almost like there were latency issues while recording. I know that happened to me when my drivers where screwy. The tone (instrument sound) was awesome sounding. Bass in particular. I thought the tone you got on the bass was awesome. The drums with a touch of verb and the disco beats sounded very joy division. It was a bit rough structure and timing wise, but with a little cleaning up, I think I could be an EXCELLENT song.

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Maybe you should join a band, a band could take that song and make it very good i think. Some good ideas going on. I think if the backing track was better it would be easier to be objective about the vocals and see how they fit the song. Id definately recommend reading up about basic sound engineering/mixing techniques, a little will go a long way. And it dosnt have to compromise your 'punk' stance, if you have one, not saying you do.

 

Good work, keep at it.

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