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New lyrics/song Feedback??


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Hey everyone, these lyrics are part of a concept album my band is creating, i'd explain the concept, but it's really not all that important, i just want to know what you think of these lyrics!

 

Lucid Dream Pt. 2

 

If we break things down

We see basic shapes

And in simple form

The path becomes clear

I need to leave home

 

I reach to the keys

And dash out the door

But something that I've never felt before

Holds me back

But I need to leave home

 

I should not care what she thinks

I should not care what she does

But when she said "You're not all there in the head, are you?"

That's when I snapped her in two...

 

Now handcuffs hold me in

They think they can defeat me

I have not lost yet completely

Now here I am

Choosing to leave home

 

I have been caught with

My trusted secret

This felony, cost me

It lost me, my sympathy

In the bigger picture

Everything seems so clear

I'm innocent, I'd repent

If it wasn't, my vengeance

 

 

Feedback would be terrific!

thanks

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Sorry for this being "off topic," but I went and listened to "The Rain Never Ends," and thought it was awesome. Lo-Fi recording aside, the actual song was very Master's Apprentices meets Blue Oyster Cult. Had a real vintage vibe. Great song.

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I like it. I have a couple of suggestions (which of course you're more than welcome to ignore :lol:)

 

Where you use "we" in the first couple of lines I think it would be stronger with the first person, i.e.:

 

If I break things down

I see basic shapes

 

Seems to make it more personal.

 

The last line doesn't quite work for me ("If it wasn't, my vengeance") but I don't have any better suggestions there.

 

I'd like to hear the completed piece when it's done.

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I like it. I have a couple of suggestions (which of course you're more than welcome to ignore
:lol:
)


Where you use "we" in the first couple of lines I think it would be stronger with the first person, i.e.:


If I break things down

I see basic shapes


Seems to make it more personal.


The last line doesn't quite work for me ("If it wasn't, my vengeance") but I don't have any better suggestions there.


I'd like to hear the completed piece when it's done.

 

 

Thanks for the suggestion! I think we actually will change that from "we" to "I" it sounds alot better singing it too, and the vengeance line is there becuase it fits in with our concept, it's part of a concept album/rock opera

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I like it as poetry.. I don't know how it will work as a song.. even frank zappa took time to rhyme:D

 

That said, I can't hear what is going through your head.. when you get it recorded, I would love to hear it..

 

and I love concept albums.. even if the rest of the world doesnt..lol

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I like it as poetry.. I don't know how it will work as a song.. even frank zappa took time to rhyme:D


That said, I can't hear what is going through your head.. when you get it recorded, I would love to hear it..


and I love concept albums.. even if the rest of the world doesnt..lol

 

We've actually got it working really well to music right now, it's not finished, but we have a good solid chunk of it figured out.

 

:thu: We love concept albums too, we're influenced by Pink Floyd alot and that's where we get it from

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