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Song lyrics critque & suggestions dont write lyrics


DV-US

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I don't usually write lyrics,so thought I'd give it a shot.Looking for constructive criticism and any help, suggestions,thanks!

 

"All These Years"

 

Took all theses years

To get what what we had

To just throw it all away

And lose it all

Well I wonder was it a waste of time

Realize now we had it all

Take my hand and don't be afraid

We'll take this journey into the night

 

CHORUS :

Thoughts are runnin through these street of dreams

Will tomorrow really ever come

Truth blending with all the lies

 

Did they take you away Or did you see the light

Is it oh so dark and cold where you are tonight

We both went a little crazy In our own ways

I hope where ever your at Your mind is free to roam

 

"CHORUS"

 

Scars are always there past never far behind

Life such a mess let the weight lift away

Gotta live for now and free your mind

This nightmare soon will end Then your free to move on

 

"CHORUS"

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Welcome to the Songwriting Forum.

 

The basic mission of the forum is the discussion of the art and craft of songwriting and offering assistance with feedback and constructive criticism on new songs and other works in progress. Of course, giving thoughtful comment requires some time and energy.

 

Like so much in life -- what you get out of it will likely depend on what you put in...

 

I hope you'll share your insight with others when they're looking for critiques -- it's a great way to let people get to know you. And the more that people know you as someone who is willing to help out, the more eager they'll be to help you when you're looking for some good ol' constructive crit.

 

:)

 

blue2blue

moderator, songwriting forum

 

 

 

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Your idea is a good one...a lot of people can relate to love and love lost. The way your expressing your idea is what needs work.

 

The mantra of lyric writing: don't tell....show.

 

What you've done here is tell us how you feel. People have a hard time sticking with those kinds of lyrics.

 

For example: instead of saying something like "We were struggling to barely get by" you might say "we would say grace over an apple and a peanut butter jar". See the difference? One paints a scene. People can visualize it and relate it to their own similar memories and experiences. The other is just a bunch of words.

 

There are also some problems with your rhyme schemes. In some verses you rhyme line 2 and 4. Others 1 and 2. The rhyme scheme should usually be same....it makes your lyrics easier to remember.

 

Lastly, you have a few empty phrases. Those are cliche phrases that really mean nothing and have no emotional power. "Into the night", "street of dreams" et al. When people hear those in a song their eyes gloss over and the stop listening.

 

The process of songwriting can be both fascinating and frustrating. Welcome. Like all of us you will soon come to know the cold, blunt hammer of kindness. :wave:

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smallbutmighty said it all pretty well...those are the same thoughts I would have given you after reading your lyrics. I struggle with the same type of thing...painting good word pictures is not an easy thing to do, but it's an essential part of good song writing. Keep on writing man...like anything else in life, you'll get better and better with practice.

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