Jump to content

On a Greyhound Bus, She Froze


TravvyBear

Recommended Posts

  • Members

Wrote this late last night, and did a rough recording of it today, all first take stuff just so I have a recording to bring to band practice today. We will probably flesh it out a lot, add harmonies, piano, bass, but anyways, here is the rough recording. It's probably in my top 3 most emotional songs for me, I hope it comes across in the recording.

 

www.soundclick.com/reverb728

 

 

 

I woke up on a floor again

Found out she left again

On a greyhound bus she rode

 

She'll be back in a week she said

But she's runnin around my head

On a greyhound bus she froze

 

 

 

And I never wondered

Why she was so sundered

Cut off from the world

 

and I never worried

When she left in a hurry

drove off into the night

 

quiet

 

I was frightend

and I was fighitng

To keep out of the cold

 

I was dyin

and she was lyin

On the greyhound bus she rode

 

Verse

 

And I'll drink to a sleepless night

with memories made to bite

of that greyhound bus she rode

 

All I ever want to see

Is your god damn emerald eyes

So lets sleep on your floor tonight

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I really like the overdriven guitar that kicks in during the chorus. Actually, I really like all the guitar playing.

 

You're vocals sound pretty good, but I think you're overdoing the emotion just a tad.

 

Songwriting:

I think some of the rhymes sound a bit forced, particularly in the chorus.

 

I like the repetition of the greyhound bus line. Helps to string the song together.

 

The melody in the verses is good, but I'm not really that fond of the chorus.

 

Honestly, I think the chorus kinda detracts from what are really strong verses. I would consider building a new melody and reworking the lyrics.

 

Just my two cents.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

The guitar work is really excellent in this. The chord progression and acoustic work really strengthens the lyrics. Agree about the singing, too - a little less "dipping" during the chorus, and I think you're set!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

 

The guitar work is really excellent in this. The chord progression and acoustic work really strengthens the lyrics. Agree about the singing, too - a little less "dipping" during the chorus, and I think you're set!

 

 

Thanks man!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I dug the verses/lyrics. Something about the choruses did not work for me though. The first chorus may need to be retracked...seems like the singing was off pitch....the timing was also off. Second chorus worked a little better...singing was still off pitch, but I could tell where you were trying to go. So in summary, I like the lyrics...the chord progression works...the vocals just didn't totally work for me, especially in the chorus. Good start here though.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...