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New Lyrics -- Thoughts?


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I walked to CVS to buy ice cream last night and saw some bats. I wrote this song. It has nothing to do with bats or ice cream.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Batlight Wild

 

A tale of big bad everything

told so long ago

Young Jacob Holly Suchandsuch

He had no place to go

 

Wandered round the seven fountains

and through the willow wood

Took chokecherries for his dinner

sought shelter where he could

 

He came upon a clearing where

the man with the crooked leg

Stood smiling in the autumn night

upon his very crooked leg

 

Young Jacob saw the smile

The man, he never spoke

Jacob reached for the smiling man

who seized him by the cloak

 

In the batlight wild

Oh, in the batlight wild

 

Don't go walking, little children

Out in the batlight wild

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Pretty cool. It ends a bit abruptly though...kind of leaves the reader hanging wondering what happens next. Also, I'd try to come up with a better 4th line for the 3rd verse...rhyming "crooked leg" with "crooked leg" was a little weak.

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I agree re: "crooked leg/crooked leg". This could be entered in this months songwriting challenge (ballads). There are some lines that don't scan right for me--the chokecherries line in particular--so I'd have to hear it in order to comment of the flow of the lyrics.

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Thanks for reading. It's meant to end on a cliffhanger, so...

 

I'm toying with that leg/leg "rhyme." It's a rather daft little same word rhyme device I picked up from some Kanye West business (I think). I'm not 100% sold on it. I do enjoy building flaws into things, though. Perversity of some sort.

 

I put this together with a lick this morning and started to to dick around with the phrasing/delivery. Ideally, I'll have some time this weekend to record this and a couple other recently writtens, provided it doesn't get too sweltering up in the office.

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Some cool lines there. Interesting wordage. I like it.

 

Problems: The "chokecherries" line doesn't work, IMO. Also, try substituting "peg" for "leg" the second time it comes around.

 

The overall mood reminds me a little of what is perhaps the best "nonsense-verse" ever written: Lewis Carrol's Jabberwocky:

 

Twas brillig, and the slithy toves

Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;

All mimsy were the borogoves,

And the mome raths outgrabe.

 

"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!

The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!

Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun

The frumious Bandersnatch!"

 

He took his vorpal sword in hand:

Long time the manxome foe he sought

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  • 2 weeks later...
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I agree with Cyberwolf on the Child's book observation. I get the Brothers Grimm type of story. There is an underlying darkness through the lyrics, that is confirmed with the grabbing of the cloak, and than the warning of the batlight wild.

 

Interesting. I also would like to hear the lyrics flow. In my reading, the sylables do not pace each other line for line.

 

I cannot get your rough version to play. :-(

 

Thanks for the read!

 

Danley

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I recorded a very garage-folk version of this song...


 

 

really, really like the guitar. nice progression, tone, nice solo work...everything.

not sold on the vocal melody, though...unless you try soaking it in reverb and bring it just a bit down in the mix...make it more creepy sounding...that might work.

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really, really like the guitar. nice progression, tone, nice solo work...everything.

not sold on the vocal melody, though...unless you try soaking it in reverb and bring it just a bit down in the mix...make it more creepy sounding...that might work.

 

 

Wasn't happy with this mix myself. I fixed it (I think). Brought the vox down a bit and added some echo. The file in the link above is replaced.

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Wasn't happy with this mix myself. I fixed it (I think). Brought the vox down a bit and added some echo. The file in the link above is replaced.

 

 

I like this better. I'd still add a load of reverb to the vocals...make them sound like they're coming out of a fog, or darkness. The lyrics are dark.

 

But man, I LOVE the guitar in this song.

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