Jump to content

Fresh Lyrics- what do you think?


IanAlderman

Recommended Posts

  • Members

If I woke you up from the dead

Would you tell me what wasn't said?

I don't mean to bother you

I'm just digging for a clue

 

All I want is to re-animate

To see you re-ignite

Just this one last time

To put away our hate

 

I call upon this necromancy

To eradicate our negative energy

If I woke you from your sleep

Would you spend the missing time with me?

 

I am sorry for wasting your time

I am sorry I wasted your life

Was I even yours to begin with?

Did my eyes make you sick?

 

Come to me in my sleep

Wake me up and talk to me

Tell me your secrets you hid safe

Now I woke you from your grave

 

You surface as I dig and tear

Your clothes are mine to wear

Your skin so stiff and rigid

Sweet decay beautifully languid

Even though I was an object of hate for you

The taste of your flesh is mine and soothes

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

there are a lot (a lot) of abstract words in here

 

generally speaking, you have to lay down some concrete images before you can drop in your abstractions

 

White on white translucent black capes

Back on the rack

Bela Lugosi's dead

The bats have left the bell tower

The victims have been bled

Red velvet lines the black box

Bela Lugosi's dead

Undead undead undead

The virginal brides file past his tomb

Strewn with time's dead flowers

Bereft in deathly bloom

Alone in a darkened room

The count

Bela Logosi's dead

Undead undead undead

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

There are quite a few abstractions in this song- usually, when writing about something or someone very close and dear to me, I won't go 100% into the details of things. It opens more doors to creativity and has people guessing. This piece is a bit more disturbing than others- this and Voluptate are a bit more vivid in description than other, more primitive works I've posted on here.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

agree with pretty much everyone else has said.

I would be interested to hear how you're going to fit these words to a melody. I don't sense a repeatable pattern, or a similar syllable structure...it reads more like poetry to me, and poetry and song lyrics are really two different beasts, in my opinion.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Having these words fit into a melody could present a challenge. A challenge I look forward to. It may not fit in a conventional songwriting sense, but with something with odd time signatures would work well, I think. It'd be something to see a chorus to tie the piece together, but the message is there, and since it's about me contemplating using necromancy to bring back my father who recently died, back in December, I'm not going to add to this piece here. It kind of reminds me of the 2 songs on 10,000 Days Wings For Marie (Part 1) and 10,000 Days (Wings Part2), the vision I have. Those songs are more free form jams with a quiet deep baritone voice underlying the music. In that respect, the piece as is could possibly work. Or, after experimentation, it could fall apart. Who knows?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 weeks later...
  • Members

Well, basically this song is about my father, recently deceased. Necromancy in itself is an attempt to conjure up the dead for the sake of prophesying. The song at hand is talking about me possibly doing that, not for ill will, but to get back some of the lost time. To spend time with that which was lost instead of running away to the other room.

 

There were a lot of secrets and unanswered questions, as there is a fair amount of secrecy shrouding the loss of loved ones, and this piece addresses the issue in an abstract kind of way. There was a lot of negativity on both ends before the end of his life and in a way, it's communicating a desire to reconcile the living with the dead.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I appreciate what you're doing. That other poster is spot-on about painting a grotesque picture. But this isn't really to my taste. I can't get on board with a song that drops the word "necromancy," sorry. There's a whole bunch of tortured souls that love that stuff, though.

 

Also, I'd urge you to reconsider this stuff:

 

"I am sorry for wasting your time

I am sorry I wasted your life

Was I even yours to begin with?

Did my eyes make you sick?"

 

It's important to write this kind of stuff, to get it out. Not always the best to share it, though. Seal it away like your teenage diary. It's maudlin, you know? I'd say turn up the dial on the gross-out stuff and wash out this self-pitying stuff. I find the necromancy stuff off-putting, but I can't deny that it's striking.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I'm not sure what I think of this.

I could see it being used in a metal context over almost anything else but I think it would clear a room if you were accompanying it with an acoustic though.

 

You really do draw a peculiar and disturbing picture with this. Congrats on that.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

The offering definitely has a hard rock/metal feel to it. After I get music to it, I might intentionally do an acoustic reworking to it- and then see the shock value at an unplugged show!

 

But this part of the song:

 

"I am sorry for wasting your time

I am sorry I wasted your life

Was I even yours to begin with?

Did my eyes make you sick?"

 

is a very personal part of the song that probably only one person who knows me might be able to see what I'm hinting at. Reading it like it is looks very teen angsty almost emo-esque, but if you knew what it was about, it would make sense to you and you'd be equally pissed off and probably say the same thing.

 

However, after re-reading, I think that the piece could do without the evident self pity part, because it doesn't really surface in the rest of the song. It made the piece a strikingly personal piece, however instead of those four lines, something dealing with decaying skin tissue, or protruding organs or something that goes along with the rest of the stanzas could make some prudish people skip this song and go to the next song- which it's a little amusing to have an off-putting song, but not necessarily to be masturbated by shocking people.

 

Reading it again, it does make sense to me having it put there because the stanza proceeding it hints at the personal nature of the song. So, maybe an added stanza filled with vivid details of the necromantic rite could send the song over the edge and make for quite the vivid experience.

 

I like the equivocal nature of the songs I write- I like telling the meanings to them after I have written or sung the song. There's always a story, seemingly a personal story behind the music- a story behind the story so to speak. If you want to know about the questionable stanza, you can PM me or, can leave it to your imagination.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

If I woke you up from the dead

Would you tell me what wasn't said?

I don't mean to bother you

I'm just digging for a clue

 

All I want is to re-animate

To see you re-ignite

Just this one last time

To put away our hate

 

I call upon this necromancy

To eradicate our negative energy

If I woke you from your sleep

Would you spend the missing time with me?

 

I am sorry for wasting your time

I am sorry I wasted your life

Was I even yours to begin with?

Did my eyes make you sick?

 

Come to me in my sleep

Wake me up and talk to me

Tell me your secrets you hid safe

Now I woke you from your grave

 

You surface as I dig and tear

Your clothes are mine to wear

Your skin so stiff and rigid

Sweet decay beautifully languid

Even though I was an object of hate for you

The taste of your flesh is mine and soothes

 

I hear your loving lecture

As you appear in clouds of sulphur

You tell me its not over

As I turn to the Ob of Endor

 

He says

"I know that I denied you

Because your eyes were not blue

I know I didn't love you

And our time together was few

 

I know I said 'I did not never have never will'

But listen to me and be still

You called me from my sleep

You dug and tore into me

 

You are my seed

I told you what you need

I feel the gnashing of your teeth

Only you can make this dead man bleed"

 

What do you mean it's not over?

He says

"Wait and breathe a little slower

I told you what you needed to know

So in peace please let me go."

 

 

 

Here's a possible revised draft- I added a few stanzas here and hopefully I didn't overproduce here.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

i love, love the penultimate verse.

 

i'd really like to hear this one put to music, it's very long and has an interesting/unorthodox winding to it that, in my head, can be done in a number of different styles. i know you said metal, i'd encourage an exploration of simpler melodies accented by bursts of Doom or Stoner style guitar.

 

thanks for sharing!

 

i vote you call it Dead Man Bleed, almost as a play on Dead Man's Jig.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Speaking of stoner/doom/sludge- I was just listening to The Sword- I don't know if this'd fit that type of music- it probably could. I've been writing my guitar stuff and it mostly comes across as a Tool/Godsmack/AiC/Metallica (very little metallica influence) orgy so it could definitely work- I will probably try it out over some of the music I've written lately and if it works, would maybe do an acoustic version, that the music in the acoustic version is radically different- you'd have to pay attention to the vocals in order to realize it's a different tune :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

It seems like the more thought, the more time I spend writing, the more energy that's put into the work- the better it is. I really appreciate the feedback, be it structure or possible title for the tune. I wouldn't mind crafting a tune and having a title that really makes the person want to listen to the piece here

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

 

If I woke you up from the dead

Would you tell me what wasn't said?

I don't mean to bother you

I'm just digging for a clue


All I want is to re-animate

To see you re-ignite

Just this one last time

To put away our hate


I call upon this necromancy

To eradicate our negative energy

If I woke you from your sleep

Would you spend the missing time with me?


I am sorry for wasting your time

I am sorry I wasted your life

Was I even yours to begin with?

Did my eyes make you sick?


Come to me in my sleep

Wake me up and talk to me

Tell me your secrets you hid safe

Now I woke you from your grave


You surface as I dig and tear

Your clothes are mine to wear

Your skin so stiff and rigid

Sweet decay beautifully languid

Even though I was an object of hate for you

The taste of your flesh is mine and soothes


I hear your loving lecture

As you appear in clouds of sulphur

You tell me its not over

As I turn to the Ob of Endor


He says

"I know that I denied you

Because your eyes were not blue

I know I didn't love you

And our time together was few


I know I said 'I did not never have never will'

But listen to me and be still

You called me from my sleep

You dug and tore into me


You are my seed

I told you what you need

I feel the gnashing of your teeth

Only you can make this dead man bleed"


What do you mean it's not over?

He says

"Wait and breathe a little slower

I told you what you needed to know

So in peace please let me go."




Here's a possible revised draft- I added a few stanzas here and hopefully I didn't overproduce here.

 

 

this reminds me of cellar door by escape the fate. i like it a lot BUT if you use the word necromancy then here's a way you can fit it in with a different pronunciation: neh-CROW-mincey

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...