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The Fast lane


BishopMontanha

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First attempt at this..Currently learning guitar and soon piano.

 

As I strum quietly on my guitar

I see you,curves and all from afar

Your beauty so radiant and light

As the melody drifts in the beautiful night

 

Are you from heaven or hell

When I'm with you, I really can't tell

We lust, we love, we fight

but yet you're my sweet sweet delight.

 

We tour the world, we paint the town

you show the seven wonders of the world

You keep me young, like a painting on a wall

Your delicious curves just keep me enthralled.

 

Are you from heaven or hell

When I'm with you, I really can't tell

We lust, we love, we fight

but yet you're my sweet sweet delight.

 

The flame burns bright, the fire runs hot

My love for you never stops

But like all things, you fade away

And I, just don't know what to say..

 

Are you from heaven or hell

When I'm with you, I really can't tell

We lust, we love, we fight

but yet you're my sweet sweet delight.

 

After a life of pleasure and lust

When you left, I felt so crushed

Tired and devoid of life

I cast my mind back to that fateful day

When I was strumming my guitar in the afternoon air.

 

Are you from heaven or hell

When I'm with you, I really can't tell

We lust, we love, we fight

but yet you're my sweet sweet delight.

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i f'n adore the "hot/stop" rhyme. i'm going to steal that at some point. i can just feel it pop in my mouth, great job!

 

otherwise, definitely like it, is that a bridge before the last chorus?

 

the rhyme after "hot/stop" seems too weak, i don't think i'd like the drawn Y sound after the hard P sound, something more stuccatto in meter might work better for impact.

 

2 paint references in the second verse?

 

overall, i like it!

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i f'n adore the "hot/stop" rhyme. i'm going to steal that at some point. i can just feel it pop in my mouth, great job!


otherwise, definitely like it, is that a bridge before the last chorus?


the rhyme after "hot/stop" seems too weak, i don't think i'd like the drawn Y sound after the hard P sound, something more stuccatto in meter might work better for impact.


2 paint references in the second verse?


overall, i like it!

 

Thanks, and steal, be inspired :)

 

To be fair, not to sure about whether that is a bridge, I need to look up the purpose of it, basically it's the conclusion of the story before heading into the last chorus.

 

Can you explain the stuccatto in meter part (examples)

 

Like I said, I'm very new to all this, so learning all the time.

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First attempt at this..Currently learning guitar and soon piano.


As I strum quietly on my guitar

I see you,curves and all from afar

Your beauty so radiant and light

As the melody drifts in the beautiful night...example..But your movement drifts in a darkened autumn night


Are you from heaven or hell

When I'm with you, I really can't tell

We lust, we love, we fight

but yet you're my sweet sweet delight.


We tour the world, we paint the town

you show the seven wonders of the world

You keep me young, like a painting on a wall

Your delicious curves just keep me enthralled.


Are you from heaven or hell

When I'm with you, I really can't tell

We lust, we love, we fight

but yet you're my sweet sweet delight.


The flame burns bright, the fire runs hot

My love for you never stops

But like all things, you fade away

And I, just don't know what to say..


Are you from heaven or hell

When I'm with you, I really can't tell

We lust, we love, we fight

but yet you're my sweet sweet delight.


After a life of pleasure and lust

When you left, I felt so crushed

Tired and devoid of life

I cast my mind back to that fateful day

When I was strumming my guitar in the afternoon air.


Are you from heaven or hell

When I'm with you, I really can't tell

We lust, we love, we fight

but yet you're my sweet sweet delight.

 

 

Very good...it starts off a little poetic and that is ok but generally poems are poems and songs are songs...but you can skillfully mix them together.

 

Are you from heaven or hell...in the first verse she is all good with out a counterpoint of bad...you do it later on but it should be supported thoughout...if she is heaven then say it...and if she is hell say that too.

 

Overall very good..!!

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regarding stuccato metre, when I sing this song, obviously in the way that makes the most sense in my head with no idea how you'd do it, and i wrap my mouth around those words, hoT and stoP, they have a distinct, Hard, Popping feel, i can really grit my teeth and let them fly with almost no Decay.

 

Contrast that with awaY and staY, those words have a long Decay because they end in a Y, you can't bite them, you have to let them trail off your tongue, like slurping spagetti as opposed to jamming an entire jalapeno into your mouth.

 

there's nothing wrong with either, good songs need both for vocal variety, but when i have a really good hard rhyme i can put a lot of energy behind and really bang against a wall because it's short and hard, i like to keep that going throughout whatever verse i'm in, i find putting in words with a Long Decay takes away some of the power.

 

Some words are Hammers. Some words are Silk. Use both, but blend them wisely.

 

again, Purely Subjective, just something to consider, i'd love to hear you deliver it the way you envision the whole thing!

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