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New song from Lenny.......naked lyrics


LeonardScaper

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To me why not put up lyrics for review? If you want need help with phasing. grammer, story development, why would that not be a big part of the whole?

 

 

In response to tbryson's excellent and thought provoking thread.....and with most of my studio toys still in boxes, I think I'll take the opportunity to post up some naked lyrics.

 

This song came quickly the other day in response to my 16 yr. old son presenting me with a lottery ticket that he got online from a certain website that is talking up certain destruction on a certain date in the not too distant future.

 

I do, BTW, have music for this.....I can't write lyrics that work at all without music.

 

I'll even have a bare-bones recording ready soon.

 

Any thoughts on how these lyrics read on their own?

 

You stood there in the hallway

With that ticket in your hand

While I just kept talkin'

'Bout me and the band

And how probably next Friday

We'd sound about the same

'Til you said..

Dad...they took my name.

 

They say they're building floating cities

Way up in the sky

And they're carving out mountains

Places for us to hide.

They say the end is coming, dad....

And they say it's coming soon.

And they say you can come too.

 

So I said....it was those damn guitars, son

We couldn't get 'em right

But we just kept playing

'Til we got it tight.

And those folks out in the crowd

Stayed with us all night.

What was that you were sayin' about leaving?

 

Cause we can't go now

The mission's not done

Yeah we can't leave yet

Someone's got to do it

So run downstairs and grab me a cold beer

'Cause 'til they bring down the house

I'm staying right here.

 

Instr.

 

Go on upstairs

And wake up your mom

We'll put on our shoes

And take it downtown

Maybe catch a movie

We'll have ourselves some fun

'Cause we're stayin' right here, son

 

I'm not leaving

I'm not leaving

I'm not leaving

I'm stayin' right here

 

repeat ad infinitum

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Pretty good. Without the little explanation I'm not sure that the juxtaposition of the playing in the band, the end is near, and I'm not going anywhere sections makes sense.

 

The end is near people reminded me of the New Yorker cartoon where two men are watching the sun going down. One man has a sign that says "The world will end today" and he looks sad. The other man has a sign that says "The world will end tomorrow" and he is doing a happy dance.

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Without the little explanation I'm not sure that the juxtaposition of the playing in the band, the end is near, and I'm not going anywhere sections makes sense.

 

Yeah....guess I was going for the feeling that, hey.....life goes on as usual even if you and your new friends are fixin' to up and leave the planet to explode. :facepalm:

 

Might think of something that makes that clearer to the casual listener.

 

Thanks, Ram.

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In response to tbryson's excellent and thought provoking thread.....and with most of my studio toys still in boxes, I think I'll take the opportunity to post up some naked lyrics.


This song came quickly the other day in response to my 16 yr. old son presenting me with a lottery ticket that he got online from a certain website that is talking up certain destruction on a certain date in the not too distant future.


I do, BTW, have music for this.....I can't write lyrics that work at all without music.


I'll even have a bare-bones recording ready soon.


Any thoughts on how these lyrics read on their own?


You stood there in the hallway

With that ticket in your hand

While I just kept talkin'

'Bout me and the band

And how probably next Friday

We'd sound about the same

'Til you said..

Dad...they took my name.


They say they're building floating cities

Way up in the sky

And they're carving out mountains

Places for us to hide.

They say the end is coming, dad....

And they say it's coming soon.

And they say you can come too.


So I said....it was those damn guitars, son

We couldn't get 'em right

But we just kept playing

'Til we got it tight.

And those folks out in the crowd

Stayed with us all night.

What was that you were sayin' about leaving?


Cause we can't go now

The mission's not done

Yeah we can't leave yet

Someone's got to do it

So run downstairs and grab me a cold beer

I think asking the boy to go get you a beer makes you/protaginist sound unfavorable. I feel you/protaginist should get the beer ...maybe:)

'Cause 'til they bring down the house

I'm staying right here.


Instr.


Go on upstairs

And wake up your mom

We'll put on our shoes

And take it downtown

Maybe catch a movie

We'll have ourselves some fun

'Cause we're stayin' right here, son


I'm not leaving

I'm not leaving

I'm not leaving

I'm stayin' right here


repeat ad infinitum

 

 

I didn't read any of the other crits so I would not be influenced...this is pretty good and has a rhythmic read to it. It is a story that can be followed.

 

Above there is a line that stuck out to me and I would have said it differently. See bold in your post.

 

Good job!...

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I didn't read any of the other crits so I would not be influenced...this is pretty good and has a rhythmic read to it. It is a story that can be followed.


Above there is a line that stuck out to me and I would have said it differently. See bold in your post.


Good job!...

 

 

+1

I agree, these are words that can be followed thru the entire story, no music necessary.

HOWEVER, WITH MUSIC, IT'S GOTTA BE KILLER !

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Thanks guys.

 

Regarding the beer line.....trying for that down home feeling of the family guy who's kids know him pretty well.

 

I have actually been tracking music for this tonight in a makeshift studio with stuff spread all out over the floor of an otherwise bare room.

 

I'll post it on the weekend and see what you think of it.

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