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New song ("Step Right Up") with thoughts about titles and first lines...


Chicken Monkey

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The recording is a little rough, but I'm trying to build myself back up to full productions after spending a year or so focusing on one-take demos. Lyrics are available on SoundClick or in my weblog (in sig), but don't read them until after you've heard the chorus, as I have a question about the song's foundation in relation to the title.

 

Step Right Up

 

Aside from always-appreciated general criticism, I had two concerns with this one:

 

My opening line is weird. I love the way it sounds, and it definitely grabs your attention, and I think it leads into the song's subject matter. I don't think I'll ever be selling this one to Tim McGraw, but does it work?

 

Also, I chose the first line of my chorus as a title. The last line would obviously be better, but I don't want to give my "punch line" away. Your thoughts?

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Hell, yeah, that's a killer first line. Like a carny calling out to the marks!

 

I think the title should be The World's Most Broken Heart. It's okay to give away your punch line in the title, for after someone has heard it the first time it won't matter that you gave it away. Plus, Step Right Up doesn't really draw me in when compared to TWMBH.

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It's okay to give away your punch line in the title, for after someone has heard it the first time it won't matter that you gave it away.

 

 

Well, I don't think many of my listeners will come back for a second listen...

 

But I can't really think of a time when I heard a song with a good "punch line" that was ruined by the title, so I should probably take your advice.

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Very well done...I agree the title should be "The worlds most broken heart"...good bass to support the music...good vocal also..very trad country song done well...

 

this line...

 

It holds it's own place of honor in the Hall of Fame

 

For me, I needed it to say the setup to the title of the song...doesn't matter if you give it away...it would help tie together.

 

It holds its own in the broken heart Hall of fame...or, something like that. But it would sing well. IMHO

 

Either way you choose it is already very good. Good job

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I have a file on my PC where I have nothing by "titles" :-) Sometimes you hear a line, a phrase? And you say, "oh man, there's a song there". You may not hear the song at the time? But you know it's there when you hear the title... I try to write them down when I hear them :-) That's how I came up with my next BIG country hit! I can't get over you till you get out from under him...

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I can't get over you till you get out from under him...

 

 

Brilliant!

 

I also keep a page of my notebook for titles as and when they occur to me (though none as good as that one).

 

As for the song - excellent song - I'd also agree that World's Most Broken Heart works best, though I know where you're coming from with avoiding the obvious in order to delay the nature of the song - I did the same with the song 'Every Time I See You' (see sig).

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Add another vote for changing the title to World's Most Broken Heart. There are only two ways that this could work against you (give away the punch line): 1) you're playing live and you inexplicably decide to introduce the song by saying, "this next one is called 'The World's Most Broken Heart'" and it goes something like this..." Okay, so you just shot yourself in the foot there, but that one is pretty easy to avoid unless you're already 5 or 6 beers in. (2) Someone is listening to a CD that you have put out and right before each song they take a look at the cover to note the song title. I don't know about you, but while I might give the CD cover a look over when I first buy it, that song title isn't going to register in my mind to the point where I'm going to be waiting for the punch line in the song when I listen to it in my car for the first time. And I don't think too many people are looking at song titles song by song as they listen.

 

On the plus-side however, if anyone ever hears the song and thinks to themself, "man, I really dig that...I'd like to hear that again" and they go to look you up on iTunes (or wherever you sell your tunes) or for that matter, they hear you do it live and after the show they want to buy the CD with THAT song on it, having the title "The World's Most Broken Heart" sure makes it easier for them to find it and buy it.

 

Step Right Up is a fine title too, but it's far less obvious to the listener. Sometimes that can be good/intended for artistic reasons, but from a practicality standpoint, I'd go with the more obvious title.

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Yeah.....I like 'World's Most Broken Heart'. A classic Country title for a great country tune.

 

 

It holds its own in the broken heart Hall of fame
...or, something like that. But it would sing well. IMHO

 

 

I agree. Give it a try....it has great cadence within the structure you have already established.

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The recording is a little rough, but I'm trying to build myself back up to full productions after spending a year or so focusing on one-take demos. Lyrics are available on SoundClick or in my weblog (in sig), but don't read them until after you've heard the chorus, as I have a question about the song's foundation in relation to the title.




Aside from always-appreciated general criticism, I had two concerns with this one:


My opening line is weird. I love the way it sounds, and it definitely grabs your attention, and I think it leads into the song's subject matter. I don't think I'll ever be selling this one to Tim McGraw, but does it work?


Also, I chose the first line of my chorus as a title. The last line would obviously be better, but I don't want to give my "punch line" away. Your thoughts?

 

I mostly like this pretty well... I'm more than a little iffy about the way the verse melody goes up leading into the choruses... It's a brave move that makes sense when it resolves into the chorus -- but making sense doesn't necessarily mean that it doesn't call unnecessary attention to itself...

 

The lyrics are logically well crafted and have some good laughs, I like the initial set up, nicely evocative (I could see the guy with the beard of bees in my mind's eye once again -- it's obviously going to be a more powerful image to those of us who have seen the guy to which it refers)... I think the verses and chorus are strong... the bridge looks better on paper than it came off to me when listening, though... I wonder if it might not be helped along by a little retinkering?

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