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Throwing one to the sharks


kujozilla

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I can't listen at work, but I'll give you the heads-up that we serve a different purpose here than the guitar forums. Some of us (me especially) don't spend an awful lot of time with the building-up part, and focus mostly on the criticism part, so don't get discouraged. This one probably isn't a number one hit, and we/I tend to give advice to make the next one better.

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What do you guys think? I normally post in the Acoustic Guitar Forum. I figured I would throw one song in here and get some constructive criticism. Also I am being deliberately pitchy in it, helps contribute to the playing style.


 

 

Man it's as if Chicken Monkey and Eclepto Funk got together and spawned a songwriting son of their own! BTW, that means I liked it. As far as the singing I wouldn't have thought you were a bad singer at all. The style, like you said, just adds to the overall feel of the song. Lyrics were clever and humorous. I like the contrast between the major chord uplifting style the rather dark comedic message. Good job.

 

Cheers,

Deric

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Man it's as if Chicken Monkey and Eclepto Funk got together and spawned a songwriting son of their own! BTW, that means I liked it. As far as the singing I wouldn't have thought you were a bad singer at all. The style, like you said, just adds to the overall feel of the song. Lyrics were clever and humorous. I like the contrast between the major chord uplifting style the rather dark comedic message. Good job.


Cheers,

Deric

 

 

Thanks, and ChickenMonkey that is precisely what I want to hear. I need the criticism. I have heard ChickenMonkey's stuff and I take that compliment very deeply however I am no where close yet lol.

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Yeah I thought it was a bit over pitchy too but some of it was deliberate. I can sing it clean but then it wouldn't work. I gotta find a medium for it.

 

honey we were happy a long time ago

we made each other smile our love seemed to glow

but now you are gone and i'm alone you left me here to cry

so now i'm thinking bout the ways you might have died

 

well i could a bought a shotgun and blown off your head

coulda got an axe and taken you out into the shed

might go for a car ride just me and you

turn'd on the cruise control and jump out and see what it'd do

 

chorus

but i didn't do it i let you live

seems thats the greatest gift i could ever give

you never even thanked me you left me alone

so now i thought of what i should have done and put it in this song

 

i could have taken you to the lake and let you drown

tide you to a heavy brick and watch you go down

might have taken ya to the zoo over to the lion's den

watched as you leaned over the side and pushed you in

 

i could rent a hot air baloon take you into the sky

throw you out of it and see if you can fly

might sneak into the whitehouse into the oval room

find that little red button and target only you

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It doesn't look it from the lyrics, but it was a bit long to me. I'd either cut it shorter or put in a bridge that sheds a different light on it. By the midpoint, it kind of get's me thinking, "OK, I get it, he should have killed her". Then I have to listen to another verse. The verses are funny, but without a break--the chorus not changing the course too much--it gets a bit bleak by the end. Maybe you could tell us why you didn't kill her?

 

It's a tough road to walk with novelty songs--you don't want to get in the way of your punchline, but you still need to get your listener somewhere by the song's end.

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