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New song I wrote. Looking for some feed back. Openions.


jodyWayne

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Sad Country Songs Always Make Me Cry

Thank You For Looking

((I Am Re-thinking This Song))

--------------------------------------

I am re-posting what used to be Sad Country Songs...

 

The song evolved to the point where I don't believe

the title supports the hook, or even the main idea.

As is, the song really needs a new title.

----------------------------------------------------

 

If whisky flowed down Whisky River,

I'd drink that river dry.

Then fill it back up again,

with these tears from my eyes.

 

I saw you at Whisky River,

kissin your ol' friend.

You look happy in his arms.

Guess you're still in love with him.

 

Girl you're married to another.

What you're doin just ain't right.

I saw him cryin in a bar room,

drinkin whisky half the night.

 

(Short Brake)

 

He took off his wedding ring.

Said I don't want this thing.

He downed a shot of whisky,

then I heard him sing:

 

If whisky flowed down whisky river,

I'd drink that river dry.

Then fill it back up again,

with these tears from my eyes.

 

He drinks his whisky from a bottle,

one shot at a time.

While he's singing to the bar-maid,

I wish this sad song wasn't mine.

 

He gets his lovin from the bar-maid,

one shot at a time.

While he's singing to the whisky,

I wish this sad song wasn't mine.

 

(Short Brake)

 

He slipped the bar-maid a twenty.

Rolled up in it, was his ring.

As the bar-maid poured more whisky,

she cried when she heard him sing:

 

Girl, you're married to another.

What you're doin just ain't right.

Now, I'm cryin in a bar room,

drinkin whisky half the night.

 

If whisky flowed down Whisky River.

Lord, I'd drink that river dry.

Then fill it back up again,

with all these tears from my eyes.

 

I drink my whisky from a bottle.

I wish this sad song wasn't mine.

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Welcome, jodyWayne!

 

 

Of course, it's always hard to judge how lyrics on the page will sound when put to music. There are a few places where the rhyme scheme seems inconsistent and a couple of places where it seems like it might sound 'rhymey' -- OTOH, it really all depends on phrasing and delivery. Sometimes simple pacing decisions can make a big diff... the more uptempo the song is, the closer the rhyme point come and the more danger there is of sounding 'rhyme-driven.'

 

References to classic songs ("Whisky River") is a long tradition in country, of course. Still, it's something that's potentially loaded... not only does it bring along whatever baggage the referred-to song is carrying, but it can invite comparisons to the work(s) referenced. Sometimes that's fine... but sometimes it's potentially tricky. I mean... I'm probably not going to reference "Sad-Eyed Lady of the Lowlands" in one of my whiny voiced Americana ballads, if only because I don't want people to start comparing my meager efforts to one of the more beloved post-folk songs of the 60s. ;) That said, I think the phrase works OK here. But I'd see what others, particularly those with two boots on country ground, think about the line.

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Hi old guy,

Thanks for the welcome.

 

I wanted to write a song about "sad country songs". There's a million ways to go with that, but this is what I ended up with.

 

Your observations are all correct. I was very worried about rhyme. I thought it was going to be too much. But when I sing it, that is not an issue. Your thought that it might sound better sang than read is correct. I tried to work with different lyrics, but that only degraded the song.

 

Whisky River is my favorite song. That's why I put it in the song. I wanted this song to reflect that old country style and structure. But, you have a point. I want this or any song I write to stand on its own two feet. "Not barefoot either". It's good because I made it that way. Or, it's bad because I didn't make it good enough. So, I did edit the song and put it back to the original way I wrote it. Not huge changes, but if you look again I'm sure you will notice the difference. I got rid of that link to the past.

 

Please come back and read it again. Let me know if you think it is an improvement. Your observations and openions are appreciated. I don't mind making changes if it makes the song better. That's what this is all about, I think.

 

Thanks again,

jodyW

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Oh... yeah... I did mean to mention the guy named Bill line... but I think I might have to hear you sing it to know if it works when sung... it does look a little trick on the page. But then it might get a good chuckle that will make everything come together.

 

 

On the Whisky River thing... I'm not against using the phrase, actually... I mean, it is your favorite song and your impulse was to reference it... that said, if you do reference it, I think you need to integrate it into the song more... and, in fact, it's certainly an example of the line before it... so, even though I planted the idea of not using it in your head, I think you should feel out your own muse on that... try it both ways for a while and see what you think... or let yourself keep looking, too... I mean... a lot of times a song 'finishes itself' in bits and pieces... sometimes over years.

 

BTW, one of my most played songs (I mean, I've played it a lot -- not necessarily that others have :D ) uses the phrase "Baby said she loved me, baby lied" -- so close to your own line [Don't go changing it! These things are inevitable. :D ] Of course, those are the building blocks of song chemistry there... love, baby, lies... ;) They keep showing up in different combinations through tens of thousands of songs across the centuries...

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Hi again old guy,

 

You're right. guy named Bill - too thick. I went back to - best friend Bill. My wife wants me to make it - "She ran off with some girl named Jill" lol. That would probably sell better these days.

 

I'm with you on the Whisky River thing. I'm not going to use it right now, but I am going to keep that version. ya' just never know? It kinda seems to me that writing a song, is actually developing a song, that evolves over time to become better. What is BTW? Thanks again sir. As always it's a pleasure.

jodyW

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seems like a good song. I'd like to hear it though so I can truly feel what you are trying to express. The song sounds quite sad and emotional, and so passionately done. Good job on it! I find it really difficult to compose song lyrics, but looks like you didn't find it too hard. You are gifted my friend!

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I think you have a really good concept... The execution to me looks like it could use a bit of tweaking.

 

The lyrics should probably be much much shorter or much, much punchier to justify the length here. For these types of country punch-line songs to work for me, damn near every line should be a zinger. Novelty-type songs also tend to work better when they're shorter.

 

Also, it straddles a line between humor (Bill?) and sincerity that may not quite work.

 

But the biggest gripe for me is I feel like it should say MORE more about country music. I mean, you say it makes you sad but... I don't know. You don't really do anything with that idea. You lead with this idea that the song is about Country music making you sad, but then you get carried away with the usual stuff about a bad woman that done you wrong. We've heard all that stuff before, as you clearly know.

 

Are you a fan of country music? Do you love it? (and if you don't - you should ask yourself why you're tackling this subject then...) Then that should come across.

 

"Yes, I know those sad songs, all to well."

 

Well, prove it.

 

You indicate the singer is some kind of country performer. Well there's your opening to lard this thing up with country music references. Or even nod to just one if that's what the song is about!!!

 

Hell, you have like 100 years of music history to draw from... Hank Williams.. Johnny Cash... Steel Guitars..good ole boys.. Nashville ... Sun Records... line dancing... honky tonk... Alabama... Dolly ... Cowboys... truck driven... leather boots... trucks... USA!!!! ... and on and on and on...

 

I mean, there's a a deep well to draw from and play with - everybody's familiar enough with the cliches to play with them.

 

One tack is you could take a few of the most familiar country songs and make some winking references to them - people feel clever and proud of themselves when they understand a reference.

 

You know, I mean, these don't scan quite but you get the idea:

 

You were "always on my mind"

But I want to leave you behind....

 

I know those sad songs all too well

"Your cheating heart" made my life a living hell...

 

I was wrong now I can see

They could "always take her love from me.."

 

Or ..

Oh that woman hurt me -

Can't you all see

I guess she'll "stand by her new man"

After walking all over me...

 

...and so on and so on and so on...

 

You know there's a bunch of others anyone who ever turned on a radio would get: Blue Eyes Cryin in the Rain. Crazy.... Friends in Low Places.. Exes in Texas...

 

Anyway. Check out this Willie Nelson song for inspiration: It's his take on a self-referential country tune - what makes it work is you clearly understand this guy knows country music:

 

I'm writing a song all about you a true song as real as my tears

But you've no need to fear it cause no one will hear it

Cause sad songs and waltzes aren't selling this year

I'll tell all about how you cheated I'd like to the whole world to hear

I'd like to get even with you cause you're leavin'

And songs and waltzes aren't selling this year

It's a good thing that I'm not a star you don't know how lucky you are

Though my record may say it no one will play it

Cause sad songs and waltzes aren't selling this year

[ steel ]

Well it's a good thing...

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seems like a good song. I'd like to hear it though so I can truly feel what you are trying to express. The song sounds quite sad and emotional, and so passionately done. Good job on it! I find it really difficult to compose song lyrics, but looks like you didn't find it too hard. You are gifted my friend!

 

Sorry it took so long to answer. Busy, very busy.

Thank you very much. I appreciate your review.

I have about a dozen versions of this song.

Some are short and sad, some are a little longer

with a little humor.

 

I'm glad you like it. Thanks again.:wave:

jodyWayne

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Well it's a good thing...

 

 

Hello matximus,

Excellent review. Lots of good advise. There are soooo many ways to go with this song. I'm trying to find the happy medium. Originally, I intended it to be a very short two verse quickie sad song. But it just gets longer and longer. I have at least 12 versions mabe more? I've sang five of them in local clubs and they like them all. But, no one person has heard them all. So I dont know which would be the most liked. I personally like the version I have up here now. It has an element of sadness, revenge and just a hint of humor. Sounds kinda like real life. I don't know? I need to back off for a while, it's starting to get confusing. This song really does have some good words, lyrics. Even if I actually end up with more than one version, mabe two or tree, that's fine. I'm no expert at this, I don't have a lot of expierence at this, and this song is starting to be a little over whelming. And It was supposet to be the most simple project i've done. lol I appreciate your help. Don't abandon me! lol Please check the new version and let me know what you think.

jodyW

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And I really like the newer version. It's punchier and says way more than the first one I saw. The tone works much better. I like the narrative loop you created there - with her being the sad song. That's cool. I like this too:

 

"cheatin hearts and cheatin,

 

aian't this country boys thing."

 

That's awesome.

 

The only gripe I have is your verses way outshine your chorus now - the way the chorus is structured is just a tad bit confusing. I'm not sure what you're trying to say exactly - the language just isn't as clean and direct as what comes before and after it.

 

Everything else is really good though.

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seems like a good song. I'd like to hear it though so I can truly feel what you are trying to express. The song sounds quite sad and emotional, and so passionately done. Good job on it! I find it really difficult to compose song lyrics, but looks like you didn't find it too hard. You are gifted my friend!

 

 

Hi again,

 

I just want to say thank you very much again. Best complement I've ever had. Thanks!

You are right, writing is not hard for me. Even though, I don't have a lot of exierence at creative writing.

 

If you have difficulty writing song lyrics, it may be because you don't have a good understanding of how a song is structured. That is the first thing I had to try come to grips with. Just a thought.

 

I'm not much of a singer, but I am going to record this song and put it on YouTube. If you would like to hear it I will tell you when and where you can.

 

Sincerely,

jodyWayne

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I'm impressed if you don't have a lot of experience with this. Your work - and work ethic with all the rewrites - suggest otherwise!!

 

 

I have years of expierence writing reports, (just the facts). But not songs. And songs are a whole new ball game. But my work ethics are the same no matter what kind of writing i do. I'll take this as a complement though, so thank you very much.

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And I really like the newer version. It's punchier and says way more than the first one I saw. The tone works much better. I like the narrative loop you created there - with her being the sad song. That's cool. I like this too:


"cheatin hearts and cheatin,


aian't this country boys thing."


That's awesome.


The only gripe I have is your verses way outshine your chorus now - the way the chorus is structured is just a tad bit confusing. I'm not sure what you're trying to say exactly - the language just isn't as clean and direct as what comes before and after it.


Everything else is really good though.

 

 

You're right again, about the chorus'. I wasn't quite sure what to do though? I was kinda hoping you would pull a rabbit out of the hat. lol

 

I really like the chorus and "really" don't want to loose them. I wrote a version with chorus' from some of the first writes. It's a good song with the these chorus', but not like this one. When sung, these chorus' really brings the song alive. I sing these song versions in clubs and people like them. And they are not bashfull about telling me what they think. Many say the chorus reminds them of Whisky River, and just as good or better. "And that's what i'm looking for".

 

I might have the problem fixed. I changed the (Intro). Now, at the very beginning you know why the chorus says what it does. (their relation ship is over! their love is a sad song, sad songs makes him cry now, his mind is cluttered with her memories, he wants sad songs to flow on by like the water in a mighty river, and while there at it, take her memories too, and don't leave any behind). I hope this works. Let me know what you think. If it doesn't work, well..... plan B?

 

Oh yes, I almost forgot. I like that word - Awesome! lol

 

Thanks again,

jodyW

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On the Stage Alone/Reminds you of an empty home"

 

That's really good too. There's something about the lonely nature of performing that I find romantic. That's a cool line.

 

On the chorus - I didn't hear you sing it. I was just reading it on the page and it wasn't clear what you wanted flowing by - the tears? The songs?

 

Are you a reporter? It sounded like that from your post. I approach a chorus like the lede of a news story. Or like a bumper sticker. Or advertising copy - I like them snappy and direct - the main selling point. But that's just a taste thing. There are no rules.

 

If it works when you sing it don't change a thing. When things work they work - and you usually don't know if something works until you play it. That validation from the audience is all you need to know that it works.

 

So go with your gut and keep it.

 

There's a great story about an early Beatles recording session. An engineer got a look at the lyric sheet before the session started. He took a look at those words there and just groaned inside: "oh my god, this is going to be the most banal and painful session ever - look at this tripe!"

 

When the band start playing he lost his {censored} because the song was so awesome and powerful and catchy and full of life.

 

Those lyrics were:

 

She Loves You Yeah Yeah Yeah

She Loves You Yeah Yeah Yeah

She Loves You Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah!!!

 

The point is you can't really tell how good a lyric is until you hear the song.

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I think this is cool. Have you considered asking country song to make you cry? Or at least to not ask them not to. You want to cry to create a river of tears that washes her memory and your pain away. Just a thought

 

(Chorus)

Sad country songs always make me cry.

 

Like a rolling river of tears, flow on by.

 

Washing clear my troubled mind

 

Please don't leave her memory behind.

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On the Stage Alone/Reminds you of an empty home"


That's really good too. There's something about the lonely nature of performing that I find romantic. That's a cool line.


On the chorus - I didn't hear you sing it. I was just reading it on the page and it wasn't clear what you wanted flowing by - the tears? The songs?


Are you a reporter? It sounded like that from your post. I approach a chorus like the lede of a news story. Or like a bumper sticker. Or advertising copy - I like them snappy and direct - the main selling point. But that's just a taste thing. There are no rules.


If it works when you sing it don't change a thing. When things work they work - and you usually don't know if something works until you play it. That validation from the audience is all you need to know that it works.


So go with your gut and keep it.


There's a great story about an early Beatles recording session. An engineer got a look at the lyric sheet before the session started. He took a look at those words there and just groaned inside: "oh my god, this is going to be the most banal and painful session ever - look at this tripe!"


When the band start playing he lost his {censored} because the song was so awesome and powerful and catchy and full of life.


Those lyrics were:


She Loves You Yeah Yeah Yeah

She Loves You Yeah Yeah Yeah

She Loves You Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah!!!


The point is you can't really tell how good a lyric is until you hear the song.

 

Hi my friend,

 

"I only wish one of my songs was as good as what the Beatles wrote"!

 

You are at a disadvantage here. You don't have all the elements layed out before you as I do. Also, I got called away from the computer before I could make the changes I told you I did. I changed the intro and made some minor corrections here and there. I think you know this song about as well as I do now. I believe you will feel the little "tweeks" changes. Take a look at the song (Intro). Personnaly, I kinda like it but kinda don't. I do think it makes it obvious what the chorus' is saying now, and why. That itself is an improvement. But, I guess I'm just not used to singing starting the song with it. Tell me what you think.

 

I mentioned this before, and you responded to it, but "This is still kinda weird? It doesn't seem to matter what version I sing or where I sing it, or how many mistakes I make singing, everyone gets excited and seems to love this song"! I think we have made the song better. The crowd doesn't seem to care if it is or isn't. Why? That's weird!

 

I am recording the song and put it on youtube so you can hear it. Just keep in mind I am not a singer or musician. :facepalm:

 

My major was psychology. I enjoyed journalism as much. I didn't know exactly what I would end up doing for a living, but I always knew some day I would be a writer. I am a retired law envorcement officer. :cop: Chrisis intervention, special investigator, training officer - taught report writing. I have been writing short stories for about two years now. Most of the songs I have are just short stories converted to songs. I'm not sure they even meet the requirements to be a song? "Structure etc." As time go'es on, if we both stick around here you'll get a chance to help with them. Some are really cool, because the stories are true. This is amusing: I'm writing a long story right now, and in the story I am a reporter. lol

 

Gotta go now. I'll be back tomorrow.

 

Thanks and take care,

jodyW

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I think this is cool. Have you considered asking country song to
make you cry?
Or at least to not ask them not to. You
want
to cry to create a river of tears that washes her memory and your pain away. Just a thought


(Chorus)

Sad country songs always make me cry.


Like a rolling river of tears, flow on by.


Washing clear my troubled mind


Please don't leave her memory behind.

 

 

Hello Lee,

I really like your Idea. I made some changes I was supposed to make several days ago. But I was called away from the computer. Take a look at the (Intro). I think this will help solve the problem. But I'm not used to singing it this way.

 

I really do like your idea. I am going to work with that and see what I come up with. Looks like you may have a pretty good start for me already. Keep checking back. I'll keep you updated. If you come up with anything else, don't be bashfull. I appreciate your input.

 

Thanks very much,

jodyW

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I think this is cool. Have you considered asking country song to
make you cry?
Or at least to not ask them not to. You
want
to cry to create a river of tears that washes her memory and your pain away. Just a thought


(Chorus)

Sad country songs always make me cry.


Like a rolling river of tears, flow on by.


Washing clear my troubled mind


Please don't leave her memory behind.

 

 

Hi Lee,

I changed the intro.

 

"Wish I could cry a mighty river,

and wash her memory from my mind".

 

I like it. I think it helps a lot.

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Cool! I like that.

 

 

Thanks for your help Lee. You really helped pull this song together. I think it is finished. It flows good singing it. No more question marks. Everything makes sense now. I'll be posting another one shortly, if you feel like giving a hand with it also.

 

Thanks again.

jodyW

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I think this is cool. Have you considered asking country song to
make you cry?
Or at least to not ask them not to. You
want
to cry to create a river of tears that washes her memory and your pain away. Just a thought


(Chorus)

Sad country songs always make me cry.


Like a rolling river of tears, flow on by.


Washing clear my troubled mind


Please don't leave her memory behind.

 

 

Lee,

 

Take a look. I think your suggestion was genious.

Let me know what you think.

 

jodyW

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