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A Cheap Hotel Room - feedback and openions welcome


jodyWayne

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THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR LOOKING AT MY SONG

 

Fancy Ballroom, Chandeliers, Champagne by candle light.

We both married money now we live a privileged life.

Evening gown, diamond rings, long black limousines

Tonight we met each other was it love or just a fling?

 

I notice you and I see the way you look at me.

This attraction is it chance or was it ment to be?

Outside on the terrace we chat a while, and the closer we get.

Wonder why we're not in each others arms yet.

Fancy Ballroom, Chandeliers, we danced under crystal lights.

Now we'll dance on the terrace beneath a Gypsy Moon tonight.

 

I wait outside by the limo sip my drink wonder where you're at.

Wonder why we're not in each others arms yet.

I had the driver park the limo someplace out of sight.

Now we'll try to find love In a cheap hotel room tonight.

 

Evening gown, diamond rings, long black limousines.

Tonight we said words of love to each other we don't mean.

Now we lie here by each other smoke a cigarette.

Knowing what we've done some day we'll both regret.

 

Fancy Ballroom, Chandeliers, we danced under crystal lights.

And we danced alone together beneath a Gypsy Moon tonight.

Evening gown, diamond rings, long black limousines.

Tonight we loved each other but it wasn't what it seemed.

 

It was wrong and we knew it but somehow it seemed right.

So we took an extra privilege in a cheap hotel room tonight.

Yes we got to know each other in a cheap hotel room tonight.

We walked away from each other and a cheap hotel room last-night.

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It creates a visual situation. But it doesn't seem to go anywhere. In limbo; so to speak. Which I suspect is what you're portraying.

 

On a small note, somehow I don't want to hear "long white limousine" after dress. I'm expecting "long white dress." maybe "long stretch limousine." Or something along those lines.

 

There's certainly an interesting poetic rhythm to the lines. They read well. Don't know about it musically.

 

. . . , on second reading, I think the lead character seems awfully confident about his/her conquest of the other based on a "look." I'd like a little more mystery, and/or some live action, instead of talking about what's going to happen in great detail. I'd say make it happen. Give us the real action as it happens instead of just talking about it.

 

Unless this character knows how it's going to turn out, because he/she has been there before. But that adds another dimension to it. maybe that's what I'm missing. There's not much clue about the characters' actual real situation and motivation.

 

I'm rambling here. Goodnight

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Well it tells a story. I'm not sure how it would sing, though. It seems like a lot of words for one song.

 

Hi,

Thanks for your input. It is a lot of words. I posted a shorter version below this one. Same song but shorter. I'm still trying to decide which name to keep permanently. Any suggestions are appreciated.

 

The short version is cleaner and flows more smoothly. It's a little easier to sing. And it's fun to sing. For a few minutes you get to be rich and naughty, without getting into any trouble.

 

Thanks again,

jodyW

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sounds very promising .. i'd love to hear it, see how it plays out

 

Hi and thanks,

I'll try and put a video on youtube, but i'm not a singer. So ya have to promis not to listen. lol "ok you can listen". but i'm still not a singer.

 

I did shorten the song a bit. I got rid of some repetition that slowed the song down. This is a work in progress, and it looks like some are going to expect some big changes. I may end up with several versions to choose from. My last song (sad country songs always make me cry) went through at least twenty revisions. But this is the fun of it. Taking a good idea and trying to make it a great song. This idea however is very old. It's based on a story my father told me years ago.

 

Take care sir,

jodyW

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It creates a visual situation. But it doesn't seem to go anywhere. In limbo; so to speak. Which I suspect is what you're portraying.


On a small note, somehow I don't want to hear "long white limousine" after dress. I'm expecting "long white dress." maybe "long stretch limousine." Or something along those lines.


There's certainly an interesting poetic rhythm to the lines. They read well. Don't know about it musically.


. . . , on second reading, I think the lead character seems awfully confident about his/her conquest of the other based on a "look." I'd like a little more mystery, and/or some live action, instead of talking about what's going to happen in great detail. I'd say make it
happen.
Give us the real action as it happens instead of just talking about it.


Unless this character knows how it's going to turn out, because he/she has been there before. But that adds another dimension to it. maybe that's what I'm missing. There's not much clue about the characters' actual real situation and motivation.


I'm rambling here. Goodnight

 

 

 

I'll digest on this and see what I can do.

 

I'll get back to you. Thanks , jodyW

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And let me offer a writing trick I stumbled on a few weeks ago when trying to write a successful story song. I've been eager to share it. Used it for writing -

 

This one:

http://acapella.harmony-central.com/showthread.php?t=2619733

 

The thing is, I love story songs. When they work. The biggest problem is -the worst kind of story song is one where the story is boring or lame.

 

I think Story wongs work when they tell an interesting story in an interesting way. How do we make that happen?

 

I tried to figure that out by blocking out my story song like a term paper first, using Cat's in the Cradle and Boy Named Sue as the blueprints. I didn't have any music in mind.

 

But I looked at those story songs as songs that work and I tried to figure out why? What are the core elements?

 

And I decided that Good story songs tend to have:

 

1) A sharply drawn protaganist that is artfully introduced as narrator early. Each song opens with "My" - which I think is clever way to start a song.

 

I think this is the most important element, actually. No one is going to give a {censored} about the story or song if they don't care about who is telling it right out of the gate.

 

2) At least - and probably really no more - than one other, slightly-less defined character. The Son in Cradle. The Mean Old Man in Sue.

3) Some kind of tension that defines the relationship between these two people - this is the story: whatever brings these two people together or keeps them apart. Or brings them together for a while... whatever you want..

4) A cool, catchy hook. Cat's in the Cradle spells this out with "little boy blue and the man on the moon." Sue: "named me sue.."

5) A firm Rhyming scheme.

 

These aren't hard and fast rules - but I think they serve as pretty good skeleton for trying to write a story song. Using this formula I came up with my idea which was

 

1) Protaganist: A strong-willed girl interested in real love

2) Secondary character: Her poor man. Second character - a rich man.

3) The story - what defines the relationship? She has to choose between a rich man and poor man. She chooses the poor man because he's real.

4) She is no trophy wife. She is a poor man's prize.

 

Using this, I tried tofigure out a way to tell this story. I came up with the hook first and filled in the rest, deciding to go with an AABB verse/verse/chorus/verse/verse/chorus/bridge/chorus thing. Although, I kinda played with the blue print a bit and I don't think I defined my character all that well.. but that was a choice I made - I could have added a whole other bit about what this woman is all about but I don't think it was necessary for the story. I made it as given that we know a bit about her if we are to assume she had her pick of two guy's...

 

Anyway. That's my story song blueprint. I haven't tried it again, although I was pleased with the results of its first outting.

 

Oh yeah- and of course, a story song should have really engaging music too. This is a really, really, tough element. I fell short on this one for my thing, but that's okay. IT was all just an exercise anyway.

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Some thoughts.

 

* A couple lines with extra words trimmed.

 

 

I noticed you... saw, the way you, looked at me.

This attraction... is it chance, is it fate, destiny?

 

 

* I don't really like this line.

 

 

We know it's wrong, but we can't help it, somehow, it must be right.

 

 

It's a bit cliche and makes me think of Brian Adams. The next line is a gem, though.

 

 

So, we'll dance, on the terrace, beneath a Gypsy... Moon... tonight.

 

 

I'm thinking you should drop the "we know it's wrong" bit and just go right to the next one. If you need two lines melodically, then repeat the gypsy moon line.

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I think the Gypsy Moon thing is where it's at. I'd delve into that a bit more. Talk more on how with all this money, why does it feels so good to go Gypsy. There's your story. You don't need to further establish their money, you need to point out the irony of finding what you're looking for

 

...under a cheap, dirty, stealing, conniving, underhanded, can't help but wander... Gypsy moon.

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-----REPLY INFORMATION FOR EVERYONE-----

 

I have a video of the song on youtube. If you listen it should give you an idea of the music, or melody.

 

Location: www.youtube.com/cheaphotelroom/watch?v=pul3nfx2vfQ

or, www.youtube.com/jodywayne47

 

I just threw in the gypsy moon to give the lyrics some filler and the song some entertainment. I tried to play it down, but it just JUMPS RIGHT OUT at you. So, i'm with Lee and the rest of you, i think the gypsy moon should be the hook. I also think i should leave out the cheap hotel and keep the action in the limo, where it originally took place.

 

I like the cheap hotel thing, but I think I should write a whole new song for that. I already have a story line for it too. It could turn out to be a really cool song.

 

All of yall please let me know what you think. I really need and appreciate your help on this one. "this song is kinda special to me"

 

I thank you all,

jodyW

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I think the Gypsy Moon thing is where it's at. I'd delve into that a bit more. Talk more on how with all this money, why does it feels so good to go
Gypsy.
There's your story. You don't need to further establish their money, you need to point out the irony of finding what you're looking for


...under a cheap, dirty, stealing, conniving, underhanded, can't help but wander... Gypsy moon.

 

 

Lee this is great I love it!

I wrote a reply for everyone, should be close to you. some good info.

 

jodtW

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Some thoughts.


* A couple lines with extra words trimmed.




* I don't really like this line.




It's a bit cliche and makes me think of Brian Adams. The next line is a gem, though.




I'm thinking you should drop the "we know it's wrong" bit and just go right to the next one. If you need two lines melodically, then repeat the gypsy moon line.

 

 

Hi Oswlek,

Thank you very much for the input. What you have makes sense. I'm thinking a complete rewrite. Please read the reply I just wrote for everyone. Good information there.

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It is a lot of words. Cool spoken word piece, for sure. Kicking song? I'm skeptical. It's just an awful lot of information....


But that's just me. Be cool to see you prove us wrong.

 

 

Hello Matximus,

Long time no see. I hope you're well. I love the information in your other post. Awsome! Thank you. I'm gonna copy and keep for future feference.

Please look at my post reply for everyone. It will give you some very good information. And you will be able to hear the song on youtube.

 

Thank you a bunch,

jodyW

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I think the shorter one does the job. And I like the title better too.

 

 

Hi again,

Thank you very much. I am going to keep this one, pass it down to the grandkids. Looks like I'm going to do a rerite though. Please look at the post I just did, reply for everyone. It will give you more info. And you will be able to hear the song on youtube.

 

Thanks again,

jodyW

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It creates a visual situation. But it doesn't seem to go anywhere. In limbo; so to speak. Which I suspect is what you're portraying.


On a small note, somehow I don't want to hear "long white limousine" after dress. I'm expecting "long white dress." maybe "long stretch limousine." Or something along those lines.


There's certainly an interesting poetic rhythm to the lines. They read well. Don't know about it musically.


. . . , on second reading, I think the lead character seems awfully confident about his/her conquest of the other based on a "look." I'd like a little more mystery, and/or some live action, instead of talking about what's going to happen in great detail. I'd say make it
happen.
Give us the real action as it happens instead of just talking about it.


Unless this character knows how it's going to turn out, because he/she has been there before. But that adds another dimension to it. maybe that's what I'm missing. There's not much clue about the characters' actual real situation and motivation.


I'm rambling here. Goodnight

 

 

Hi Marshal,

You have made some real good observations. Excellent! It looks like I am going to end up doing a complete rewrite. I really want your input. I have put a post "reply for everyone". Please take a look. I think you especially will be interested. Since all this took place where you live. You will also be able to hear the song on youtube. I look forward to hearing from you again.

 

Take care, and thanks,

jodyW

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sounds very promising .. i'd love to hear it, see how it plays out

 

 

Your wish is my command. You can hear the song on youtube. Please look at the post I just put up "reply for everyone", the link to youtube is there. There's also some good information you might enjoy reading.

 

Thanks and take care,

jodyW

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-----REPLY INFORMATION FOR EVERYONE-----

 

I have a video of the song on youtube. If you listen it should give you an idea of the music, or melody.

 

Location: http://www.youtube.com/cheaphotelroo...?v=pul3nfx2vfQ

or, www.youtube.com/jodywayne47

I just threw in the gypsy moon to give the lyrics some filler and the song some entertainment. I tried to play it down, but it just JUMPS RIGHT OUT at you. So, i'm with Lee and the rest of you, i think the gypsy moon should be the hook. I also think i should leave out the cheap hotel and keep the action in the limo, where it originally took place, in the real story.

 

I like the cheap hotel thing, but I think I should write a whole new song for that. I already have a story line for it too. It could turn out to be a really cool song.

 

All of yall please let me know what you think. I really need and appreciate your help on this one.

I thank you all,

jodyW

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I have to hear this one. There are a lot of words, syllables, pauses and one still needs to give the story some air to breathe on and time to sink in while it plays out the story. Maybe there's some refinement in word usage but that's where I'll shut up until I hear it.

 

Hi Pitar,

you can hear it here:

www.youtube.com/cheaphotelroom/watch?v=pul3nfx2vfQ

www.youtube.com/jodywayne47

 

Keep in mind though, this song is a work in progress, and will change.

But you can keep and play any of the versions you wish.

I am puting a new rewrite up here now, it is a little shorter.

I sang it and it seem to flow well,

and it felt to be about the right length.

I'll try to record it today if possible.

Thank you for looking at my song.

Thanks for leaving comment.

 

Take care,

jodyW

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A traveler who keeps traveling very often searches for cheap hotel accommodation every time because that is the part of the traveling where money can be saved to the maximum extend. So every traveler looks for a cheap hotel rooms for stay. And with more cost cutting systems we can reduce the final hotel bill by 50%.

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A traveler who keeps traveling very often searches for cheap hotel accommodation every time because that is the part of the traveling where money can be saved to the maximum extend. So every traveler looks for a cheap hotel rooms for stay. And with more cost cutting systems we can reduce the final hotel bill by 50%.

 

 

Michael 001, you are a weanus.

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