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Song in progress.... help before i finish it?


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Hi

 

I wrote this one yesterday and started recording it.... thought id throw it out there to see if there was anything you think is wrong so far?

 

Ive got a fair bit to add (elec geetars etc) but i have a few ideas for this when i get chance

 

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default.cfm?bandID=977998&content=songinfo&songID=9303490

 

 

Here are lyrics

 

Waltzing along

 

It was just something i saw

casting shapes in the smoke screen in the distance

there were people surrounding my home

shouting "we must all fight this resistance"

 

And the stars they dropped from the sky

and the silence was deafening

then you caught my eye singing....

 

Love it will beat it

its the only thing needed to complete it

a heart with both parts makes a light in the dark

so lets see just how far we can take it

 

It was just something i heard

Like the cry of the wind as it passes the earth

and the people they left two by two

whispering "dont take for granted whats given to you"

 

And the stars returned in a glance

and the music was beautiful

we started to dance singing.....

 

Love it will beat it

its the only thing needed to complete it

a heart with both parts makes a light in the dark

so lets see just how far we can take it

 

Your hand in my hand

waltzing along to the sound of the land

and its your hand in my hand

waltzing along to the earths perfect band

and its your hand in my hand singing...

 

Love it will beat it

its the only thing needed to complete it

a heart with both parts makes a light in the dark

so lets see just how far we can take it

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It worked for me, and so did the song. Very Harry Nilsson'esque with a grayer undertone. I didn't care for the percussion, especially the cymbals, at the beginning, maybe tone it down a bit. Later, behind the vocals, it was less invasive and was good. I loved the piano throughout. :)

 

I also really liked "a heart with both parts makes a light in the dark." Nice.

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Not a big fan of the double tracked vocals, I can see having both but I'd slide one in the background more. I'm also not a big fan of the cymbals, too vibrant.

 

What is that decending instrument that leads into and plays during the chorus? That was cool.

 

The strings(?) that came in on the final chorus made me think of a fazuki. Not sure why, but I think a stringed instrument that is rapidly picked would work there.

 

Nice "oh" part at the end.

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thanks peeps - good things to consider and probably more mix issues than song issues... you both seem to not like the ride cymbal...where as the hi hat seems fine... will see what i can do... i may have compressed them a little to really fill the space...but maybe too much

 

the vox are double tracked throughout but i have to say the second vox is about 8-10 db below the main.

 

The instrument leading to chorus is just a wierd synth i have..... im gonna keep the strings , i like them... they may just sound a little too on their won because i havent put the elec guitar parts down yet so hopefully will all blend in better... may even disguise that ride in the intro a little

 

thanks!

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I normally dont comment on the stuff you post here, because I usually dont see anything I would change, but this one does have one lyric I would consider revising.

 

"the silence was deafening" feels a little tired to me. Plus, I dont really get the reference. I could see stars falling from the sky being deafening, but i dont see it as silence, kind of the opposite.

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yeh you may have a point although i wrote it more visual than literal

 

like the stars dropped from the sky....the world stopped for a minute...there are loads of people there but you are kinda caught in an ear ringing silence as you catch the eye of a certain person... if you get me?

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[YOUTUBE][/YOUTUBE]

 

Well i finished the song - apologies firstly that i didnt change the suggested lyric...i just couldnt find anything more suitible!

 

and secondly.... sorry for the bobbing head...i didnt know i did that!!

 

Oh and thirdly - sorry mr admin for not putting this in the shocase thread but its kinda the final part of this thread

 

Hope all is well

 

x

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Ah, no, that's fine, man.

 

I'll have to add that formally to the rules that it's OK to post the finished (and subsequent) versions of a song you got feedback here on in that song's thread.

 

Mostly we're just concerned with folks starting threads to post finished songs. For multiple reasons, an old thread bobbing back up doesn't seem to be as disruptive, so there's less worry that it's crowding out folks trying to get feedback.

 

Also, I think people here have a legitimate interest in seeing how a given song turned out.

 

So, definitely, go ahead and post subsequent/finished versions of a song in the thread started for feedback on it. I think that's overall a good thing.

 

:)

 

______________

 

 

This song sounds terrific!

 

(Ignore this if you're done done with the song: I wonder if maybe you shouldn't dry up the ambient sounds in the chorus [at least I think they're still in there; sounds a bit murky in the first chorus. I think that would be a nice tension release and make the chorus sound really clean and powerful, while retaining the cool feel of the ambient bit in the intro verse. Also, the echoed sonic squiggle seems just a tiny bit up in the mix; I think it might be better just a wee tad lower. I like the glockenspiels. I can never get that to sound right. But it's that little sparkle that really can brighten things up. When I realized that there was glock in Hendrix' best version of "The Wind Cries Mary" I thought, yeah, that's hip. Who'd a thunk?)

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cool - well i feel like im done with it

 

however we got some some really nice monitors at work so when i go back on monday if anything is bothering me i will look at a remix.... and listen especially to the things you have pointed

 

i must confess i cheated on the glock....i do own a glock and often struggle to get a perfect sound...so i cheated

 

used a computer based one!

 

oops haha

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I can't even get a good computer based glockenspiel. But I do have a little one that I inherited from a pal that I've been meaning to get into something.

 

With re the ambient noise, for sure, you should be true to your vision of the song. That said, while I couldn't quite make out what was happening 'in back' of that first chorus refrain, I did 'feel' like I wanted it to hit me with more clarity and that that would seem more powerful as well as resolve lingering tension from the crosscurrents presented by the mangled ambient sounds (which I really like, mind you, just thinking they might be better in a dollop rather than a full portion). ;)

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Another excellent song.

 

I, for one, give you my full permission to employ each and every seemingly tired or well used lyric you can come up with as you have a way about you that revitalizes them by making them your own.

 

Nice instrumental layering and wonderful aural jewelry in this tune.:wave:

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