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New Existential Rap Song: Ninety Eight Point Six Degrees


fourthstomach

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Hey guys, we tried to come more from the heart and the mind off of this one, see how you like it. All feedback's much appreciated. Note: Second verse might have been louder and more intense but we have a small USB mic that sounds bad when loud stuff comes into it. Thanks for the input!

 

http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=9880253

 

lyrics:

 

we wasted our lives waiting for the punch lines

punching in and losing time, a sense of touch defines outsides

rapid eye movement under makeup solutions

you were the prediction and i was the conclusion

time that we're not using, consciousness pollution

forcing pretty imagery to notepads, absolution

life is a multiple choice test, so just guess

pencil in my hand i'm just hoping for the best

i'm a moment, i'm a mess

i'm a construct of my head

a rubix cube to comfort you, a blank slate waits for happiness

the soft logic of solitude, the background of a common truth

we're sleeping in the same room, but separate minds confined to

bodies radiating heat, 98.6 degrees

never living in the moment but it is living in me

time takes causalities, moods transcribe realities

and all of those memories make up personalities

a picture of perfection, feeling tendons bending

two sheets on a matress, ascending up right past this

and everything that we wrote just came out as TRUTH

medicated insight, calculated daylight blues

home, where the heart is, or at least a small of part is

i depart it, i restart it, i become a starving artist

and i breathe and i claw at the moment trying to hold it

and i finally convinced myself that there's nothing to notice

home is where the gold rims smother all the slim jim lovers

they're still cold under covers

lights left on in the hallways

while we know we are always

and we are songs

 

Reflections of spaces, projecting oppressions

Empty rooms and old cars with no engines

The scythe slices off seperate sections of every second

As we look at the past and only remember the present

Mend embers of heaven, tap the blunt ends to deafen

Thoughts that freeverse can

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The beat on this is much tighter:thu:

The synth sound could be lowered

and the bass line upped to compensate.

 

The lyrics seemed contrived and sort of

all over the place. The writing however is good.

The flow (to me) is missing something.

 

Lol at the intro but people aren't "from" public transit buses.

I get what you mean, though.

 

The voice is said to be subjective but for

rap I'm missing the lower end most rappers are able to hit

when they're rapping. I lose the legitimacy when you enunciate

the word "Left." If you know what I mean.

 

But when you say "design" you don't say it like a white

boy so this indicates inconsistently:idea:

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hahaha it's because we're two different people, and we usually take two different verses. And well yeah, that's where we started rapping (buses), people looking at us all weird and stuff. And the only thing that's missing for us on this one is the delivery, which I guess will only slowly improve with practice.

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I dig the chill vibe of the music. The second guy seems a bit more skillful than the first guy - you might want to consider that next time you're setting up the order of who goes first.

 

I dont listen to that much hip hop. A little bit. But I think I know enough to know - at least with successful hip hop - It's all about HOOKS HOOK HOOKS.

You're wanting on that front - stop rapping every 16 bars and spit a chorus or something.

 

And the only other thing - rap about more specific things. Right now it's all kinda vague - I couldn't repeat one memorable thing you guys said - seems like you're speaking in generalities. Life affirming platitudes or something... I don't know what. It just didn't stick because it all felt... cerebral...

 

Tell me about stuff you really think. Like real stuff that actually runs through your mind. Like, specific stuff: I took a dump today kind of stuff. Rap is all about personalities - we have to give a crap about the person rapping to care enough to listen to what they actually say. Think about all the good rappers. Think about all the way-too-much-information we know about them. Why do we know that? Because MC's don't hold back - they tell the truth. The ugly truth. And that's why we love them.

 

Life affirming banalaties is for prog rockers. And, I don't know, PM Dawn maybe...

 

And I applaud a lot of your word mechanics - there is some deft wordplay in there. Keep rapping. I think you have lots and lots and lots of potential.

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Thanks for that wordplay thing, not a lot of people notice. ("Divine has thorns"=The vine, but also a quick crown of thorns thing. I was proud.) The next song we're doing is probably going to have more personal subject matter, more of a 'hey guys here's my life' sort of thing.

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Yeah - you guys can really turn out some interesting word stuff. I should have said that louder. There is some really wild stuff, awesome shapes of phrases in there with scythe slices ... soft logic of solitude ... projecting oppressions -

 

I was just saying, maybe, bring it down to earth a little bit. Get clever about accessible ideas I guess.

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Much better! :thu: Although I do agree with the sentiment to bring it a little further down to earth for your audience to digest, unless it's purely for your own amusement, you gotta have it a little more simplified for general people to dig it.

 

I'm sure almost everyone here will get into it for it's uniqueness & wordplay, but the average schmo on the street might not understand it.

 

That's why a lot of technical bands audiences consist mostly of other musicians.

 

This doesn't mean completely dumb it down for the LCD, but give it a little more focus and you'll be golden :thu:

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The beat sounds cool. The only thing that needs work is the delivery of the rhymes. It needs more confidence, more attitude, more swagger, if you will. It sounds good for a demo, but not quite good enough for a single. Some compression on the vocal track would also help.

 

I would also work in a hook or a breakdown section to make the tune stronger. Otherwise it's either a filler or an interlude track.

 

But thank you for not doubling your vocal tracks. I HATE it when rappers do that (Eminem, I'm looking at YOU). It just means they have a weak and wimpy voice. Chuck D or the Beastie Boys never had to double their vocals.

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