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Some criticism would be amazing :D


Hoppus

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VERSE I

This is how the story goes

A story of who he {censored}in chose

We were the best of friends,

See how this story ends.

 

A boy who fell in love

Left good friends far behind,

If he knew the truth

That she kept out of sight.

 

But he believed her lies,

Til he was wholly blind.

Friends try to give him proof,

Which to him was a crime.

 

CHORUS I

We were there for you,

But now you

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Welcome to the SW Forum, Hoppus!

 

Welcome to the HC Songwriting Forum...

 

 

[video=youtube;f6yqpfoX0E4]

 

Text version:

 

First a big, friendly cut-n-paste welcome to the Songwriting Forum!

 

The basic mission of the forum is the discussion of the art and craft of songwriting and offering assistance with feedback and constructive criticism on works in progress. Of course, giving thoughtful comment requires some time and energy. You'll probably want to look at the Rules and Resources sticky thread for guidelines on getting the most out of the forum.

 

Like so much in life -- what you get out of it will likely depend on what you put in...

 

We hope you'll share your insight with others when they're looking for critiques -- it's a great way to let people get to know you. And the more that people know you as someone who is willing to help out, the more eager they'll be to help you when you're looking for some good ol' constructive crit.

 

:)

 

blue2blue

moderator, songwriting forum

 

 

SW Forum Rules, Guidelines, and Resources

 

:cop:
6 Basic, no-nonsense rules


This is a strictly work oriented, on topic only forum for the discussion of songwriting issues and for getting and giving constructive criticism on
works in progress
.



  • Please do
    not
    post covers

    Many more people perform and record covers than write original songs. If we let people post covers, it would soon be all but impossible to find original songs here.




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    This forum is for the
    discussion
    of songwriting craft and getting feedback on works in progress.


    There is one exception to the
    no promo
    rule:

    The Monthly Showcase Thread
    -- completed songs, videos, bragging, show alerts, you name it.


    It's also OK to come back later and add a link to a finished version of the song in its critique/feedback thread.




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    CONTENT and COMMENTS ONLY
    -- unless there is a content warning in the thread title

    People as young as 13 may be browsing Harmony Central forums.
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    zero tolerance zone for insults, trolling, or drive-by cruelty
    . Please treat fellow members with consideration. [
    A special note on discussions of religious songs
    .]




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    No threads focused on a single song or artist. But we encourage thoughtful discussions about song genres and songwriting conventions and encourage comparative analysis of varied works. IOW, just don't just prattle on about your favorite songs.
    ;)



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    where applicable

    Suggestions or contributions made to a song or composition in this forum should be considered a gift to the songwriter/composer and automatically become his or her intellectual property. Any other arrangements must be made
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Now... that out of the way, on to your lyrics... ;)

 

 

It's clear that this song is constructed in such a way as to convey a lot of emotion, not to mention a sense of betrayal, from the singer/protagonist to his buddy/ex-pal. There's not much escaping that message. ;)

 

But what the reader (potential listener) is left out of, for the most part, is just why the singer/protagonist has such anger. He's mad, he feels betrayed, yes, we got that. But why does he feel betrayed?

 

We, the listeners, want to see the facts behind the bill of indictments. We're sympathetic, perhaps, but, really, we're here for entertainment (and maybe edification about the human condition, but let's not get ahead of ourselves ;) )...

 

We want the story.

 

Or, to quote a frequent bit of advise in writers' circles: show us -- don't tell us.

 

 

On to minor issues... of course, it's dangerous to try to critique the sound of lyrics when they're flat on a page. Different rhythms, different phrasing, even the melody to which they're put can change the way a set of lyrics feel. But, that said, I was a little concerned, reading on the page, by the mix of partial and tight rhymes. In a lot of places, there are rhyme words that are close together in the lyrics and that can make them seem more noticeable, even predictable -- and it certainly make the listener more aware of the rhyme scheme. But in other places, that rhyme scheme is upheld by quite partial, 'half-' or 'quarter-' rhymes. Nothing wrong with either, necessarily, but the mix might make the listener feel like there is an inconsistency in the rhyme scheme. (Much will depend on the music and delivery, of course.)

 

 

Anyway, it sounds like you've got a lot of energy channeled into this song and that makes me think you've got a real song here that, when properly revealed, could be not just quite powerful, but tell us something about all the people involved: revealing not just important information/character study of the shadowy GF (who is little more than a cypherous outline here), the ex-pal (we know only a little more about him, while we're left wondering just what were the temptations he allowed himself to succumb to, not to mention what the betrayals of his friends were about), and finally, about the singer/protagonist himself. We know he feels betrayed and wronged -- but I think we are left wanting to know why he's so violently passionate about it.

 

Lots of emotional material to make what could be a great song here but I think it needs a little more refinement and maybe a drawing out of the story elements.

 

:)

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I rarely critique others lyrics... as Id rather hear them in the song...

 

my thoughts are: Using "{censored}in" so early on makes little sense. Use it at the end as your powerful closer if you want. "Who he {censored}in chose" sounds like "I'd like a {censored}in burger"

 

Chorus is too complicated. Simplify it into something memorable, singable.

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