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Need some criticism


theuniversalist

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Hi, Universalist!

 

Allow me to introduce the HS Songwriting Forum Robo-Greeter...

 

Welcome to the HC Songwriting Forum...

 

 

[video=youtube;f6yqpfoX0E4]

 

Text version:

 

First a big, friendly cut-n-paste welcome to the Songwriting Forum!

 

The basic mission of the forum is the discussion of the art and craft of songwriting and offering assistance with feedback and constructive criticism on works in progress. Of course, giving thoughtful comment requires some time and energy. You'll probably want to look at the Rules and Resources sticky thread for guidelines on getting the most out of the forum.

 

Like so much in life -- what you get out of it will likely depend on what you put in...

 

We hope you'll share your insight with others when they're looking for critiques -- it's a great way to let people get to know you. And the more that people know you as someone who is willing to help out, the more eager they'll be to help you when you're looking for some good ol' constructive crit.

 

:)

 

blue2blue

moderator, songwriting forum

 

 

SW Forum Rules, Guidelines, and Resources

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Looks like sound frame to hang a melody on.

 

Wordwise I like the directness and simplicity of language. I always respond to directness. What I don't like: It's a little vague, melodramatic and weepy in a self-absorbed way for me, contentwise.

 

But, you know, that might not be all bad depending on what the song is going for, musically: vague melodramatic and weepy are elements of some of the greatest popular songs ever made...

 

So whether it would work for me or not would probably come down to the quality of the singer and music.

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I'm not sure. I mean, I'm not sure what you're intent with the whole thing is - which makes any suggestions hard. Just not sure what it's going for. Do you want to be opaque? Not direct? Then at least make it more interesting, imagewise, I guess. If a song doesn't want to make sense it should at least be, well, give you something clever wordwise to keep you engaged. Are you trying to say something clearly? Then probably just be specific about one thing - just freaking say it for christ sake - whatever it was the narrater did, or as wrong about, or lied about - just pick an answer to one of those and make every line in the verse about that. Don't ramble about other stuff. I banged another girl. I forgot your Birthday. I screwed up doing the dishes - It doesn't matter what the hell it is really, but have mercy on your audience and give them something at least, if you want to tell them something that is. Hinting at stuff is willy nilly - it takes balls to spell a thing out.

 

Chorus:

Did you ever love me back?

Did you ever want my heart?

Cause I

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