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Help with a chorus please - now with demo


Oswlek

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I have this terribly depressing tune that is somewhat reminiscent of Iron and Wine. I have the verses but the chorus just won't come, even ideas seem blocked. I'm hoping a few of you can throw some {censored} at the wall and it will trigger a concept or two.

 

EDIT: A camera recorded demo can be found here:

 

http://www.reverbnation.com/artist/song_details/8085451

 

Updated lyrics at the bottom of this post.

 

 

Through the hallway door

Your room still looks the same

Scattered toys on the floor

As if they'd just been played


As if they'd just been played....


I take all their calls

To be polite

Do my best to assure

I'll be alright


But how do I

Put to words

This.....

(4 more lines, including a concluding anchor)


Your mom and I barely talk

Don't know where to start

Still awake in bed

Lying miles apart


How do we

Put to words

This...

(same stuff)

 

 

Feedback on the verse is also welcome. Thanks for your help.

 

Here are the updated lyics

 

Through the hallway door

Your room still looks the same

Scattered toys on the floor

In perfect disarray


In perfect diarray...


I take all their calls

To be polite

Do my best to assure

I'll be alright


But how do I

Put to words

The emptiness

That fills this space

And how the light

Settled on your face

In your last photograph


Your mom and I barely talk

Don't know where to start

Both awake in bed

Lying miles apart


How do I

Find the words

Your emptiness

Fills this space

And now the dust

Settles on the page

With your last photograph


Now I cry

Untold goodbyes

To your last photograph

 

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Through the hallway door

Your room still looks the same

Scattered toys on the floor

As if they'd just been played

 

As if they'd just been played....

 

I take all their calls

To be polite

Do my best to assure

I'll be alright

 

But how do I

Put to words

How do I live

You're gone now

No longer here

Can no longer merge

Any of these lives

 

This.....

(4 more lines, including a concluding anchor)

 

Your mom and I barely talk

Don't know where to start

Still awake in bed

Lying miles apart

 

How do we

Put to words

This...

(same stuff)

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You're addressing your child. Right? What do you want to say to him/her?

 

 

Simple stuff, basically some form of "It's killing me (us) you're gone". The problem is I keep speaking in cliche and this song deserves better. FTR, I don't want anything like "say hello to heaven" or "be with the angels" or "watch over us". This one doesn't feel a positive resolve, just torment.

 

All that said, I am visualizing the parent visualizing speaking to their child and the clouds seem to be breaking a little. I'll see if I can follow this technique a little further.

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Just realized the 2nd verse imagery might not be clear. They are in the same bed, the "miles" are figurative.

 

If the chorus doesn't clear things up, I could change it to

 

 

Awake in the same bed

Lying miles apart

 

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OK... and if this is autobiographical, I'm very sorry. Wow.

 

My mom recently passed away. Lately, I've been getting this uncanny feeling of her presence. When I'm down, I can feel her warm love toward me. I have a picture of her face in my mind and find myself standing more upright and digging into life a little deeper.

 

Perhaps addressing that kind of communication from our passed loved ones. At least if it's not some spiritual connection, it is then a memory that helps you through. That their legacy is their love remembered.

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Good beginning stuff.

 

Here are some ideas for the verses. You're on your own with the chorus for now. After all, it starts with "how do I put to words..." That said, I would explore the idea of there being an empty space in your life, one that fills every waking hour, or something along those lines. It's an old Shakespearean trick, pair two opposites -- "sweet sorrow," "cruel to be kind" -- to come up with a killer phrase.

 

Here are my ideas for changes in the verses:

 

Through the hallway door

Your room still looks the same

Scattered toys on the floor

(as if) frozen in mid-game

 

I'm not sure I like the word frozen, but you get the idea.

 

And:

 

Your mom and I barely speak

Don't know where to start

Both awake in bed

Lying miles apart

 

LCK

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Thanks Lee. I'll take all of those ideas and for the chorus, how about

 

How do I

Put to words

The empty space

That fills this place

 

Still need a couple more lines, but does that work as a starter?

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OK... and if this is autobiographical, I'm very sorry. Wow.


My mom recently passed away. Lately, I've been getting this uncanny feeling of her presence. When I'm down, I can feel her warm love toward me. I have a picture of her face in my mind and find myself standing more upright and digging into life a little deeper.


Perhaps addressing that kind of communication from our passed loved ones. At least if it's not some spiritual connection, it is then a memory that helps you through. That their legacy is their love remembered.

 

 

Thankfully, it isn't autobiographical, though it is an easy fear to draw on and we've had some close enough calls, most notably when my 5 mth old son needed open heart surgery. Scary times, but he's a trooper.

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How do I

Put to words

The empty space

That fills this place


Still need a couple more lines, but does that work as a starter?

 

 

It's hard for me to say. I'd have to hear the tune, I think.

 

I was thinking something along the lines of

 

How do I

put to words

the emptiness

you left behind

and how

now it's all

that fills my mind

 

???

 

LCK

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It's hard for me to say. I'd have to hear the tune, I think.


I was thinking something along the lines of


How do I

put to words

the emptiness

you left behind

and how

now it's all

that fills my mind


???


LCK

 

 

I like this but I don't get the impression from the rest of the song that the kid left them behind behind. It feels more like the kid was taken.

 

You could keep everything the same save for the 'you' in "you left behind." In its place you could use 'death' 'tragedy' or something along those lines

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I like this but I don't get the impression from the rest of the song that the kid left them behind behind. It feels more like the kid was taken.

 

 

Good point.

 

I wonder if

How do I

put to words

the emptiness

your leaving

left behind

and how

now it's all

that fills my mind

 

??? Or does that still not address the issue you brought up?

 

I'd need to hear the tune.

 

LCK

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A few suggestions....the words in bold might be okay for you, or might just give you something to develop yourself.

 

I changed the first verse because I didn't feel that a hallway door had much relevance, and the broken heart line cuts straight to the chase regarding the pain. My twisting of the last two lines is how it is, as I see it, in such a situation. The "I loved the mess you made" is there because it represents "I'm sorry.......but now it's too late".

 

 

Your room's just the same.....

All the toys you pulled apart...

I call out your name...

Deep down in my broken heart...

 

Deep down in my broken heart...

 

I take all their calls

To be polite

Do my best to assure

I'll be alright

 

But how can I

Put into words

You will never hear

That I loved the mess you made

And my greatest joy

Was clearing it up....

 

 

Your mom and I now mute....

Don't know where to start

Lying in bed

Hurting miles apart

 

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I hear you about the "hallway door", Paul, but "broken heart" and "deep down" are precisely the type of cliches I'm trying to avoid with this one.

 

I am intrigued by the chorus suggestions, though.

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Good point.


I wonder if


How do I

put to words

the emptiness

your leaving

left behind

and how

now it's all

that fills my mind


??? Or does that still not address the issue you brought up?


I'd need to hear the tune.


LCK

 

 

I think your leaving works better than you left, but it really depends on how specific he wants to get. "Your leaving" works better in a general sense. It could apply to a car accident, (which is where my brain went because the toys still on the floor made it feel like something happened very suddenly) cancer or whatever...

 

I think the same thing could be accomplished with stronger language

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I think your leaving works better than you left, but it really depends on how specific he wants to get. "Your leaving" works better in a general sense. It could apply to a car accident, (which is where my brain went because the toys still on the floor made it feel like something happened very suddenly) cancer or whatever...


I think the same thing could be accomplished with stronger language

 

 

I wasn't planning on getting too specific with the cause of death, FTR.

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I was trying a for an emotional connection between the broken toys and the broken heart...........though I've never actually been to Kansas in August, or any other month :).

 

Thinking further....

 

 

I'd call out your name

If I knew where to start....

 

If I knew where to start....

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I have this terribly depressing tune that is somewhat reminiscent of Iron and Wine. I have the verses but the chorus just won't come, even ideas seem blocked. I'm hoping a few of you can throw some {censored} at the wall and it will trigger a concept or two.




Feedback on the verse is also welcome. Thanks for your help.

 

 

Through the hallway door

Your room still looks the same

Scattered toys on the floor

As if they'd just been played

 

As if they'd just been played....

 

I take all their calls

To be polite

Do my best to assure

I'll be alright

 

But how can I

Put in to words

These things I feel

These things that I've heard

 

But how can I

Speak of the past

Unspeakable truth

I can't go back

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