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mockchoi

"You Saved Me" song, feedback please?

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I wondered if I could get some opinions on this. I kind of like the lyrics, but I'm not so sure about the chorus...the same chord progression goes through the entire song. Does this work, or does it make the song too samey?

 

I'm also not to sure about the harmony through the entire song (not the quality of the harmony, but the fact that it exists). Does this work also?

 

I know the vocals aren't the greatest, I have a cold (I'll try to think of another excuse next time when I don't have a cold).

 

Much appreciated. Cheers!

 

 

Golden light dancing

Drift across the floor

Never advancing

I was hoping for something more

 

Strangest expression

Of feelings never faced

Backward regression

Toward bitterness erased

 

And you saved me

You saved me

Though I keep pushing you away

Poor old depraved me

Yeah you saved me

 

Surrounded by silence

Enveloped in your arms

I always needed

To have erased all this harm

 

Twilight dancing

Drift across the floor

Always advancing

I'm still hoping for something more

 

And you saved me

You saved me

Though I keep pushing you away

Poor old betrayed me

Yeah you saved me

 

 

http://soundcloud.com/unexpected-x/you-saved-me

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It's a very simple tune, but it's kind of catchy, so that could be a plus.

 

Still, yeah, I would probably take the song somewhere else, musically and harmonically, when you get to the "and you saved me" part. It does need something new, tonally.

 

If I were you I'd also re-examine the rhythmic structure of the lyric. Some of the lines sound like you've forced too many syllables into a single measure.

 

I don't know if you're interested in trying how this sounds, but it might help you understand what I mean.

 

Gold light dancing,

across the floor.

No advancing,

Yet I wanted something more. ["wanted" is more active than "hoped for"]

 

Strange expression,

thoughts never faced

pained regression ["backwards regression" is redundant]

toward bitterness erased

 

The 3rd verse also has problems:

 

Surrounded by silence

Enveloped in your arms

I always needed

To have erased all this harm

 

Again, I would use fewer notes/syllables for the first 3 lines of each verse. Also, the line "to have erased all this harm" is pretty clunky. It's an odd verb construction ("to have erased"). And "all this harm" may have meaning for you, but it doesn't really tell the listener much, it's so obviously just a phrase thrown in mainly to rhyme with arms. And since you're using arms not arm, it doesn't really rhyme anyway, so what's the point?

 

There are damn few rhymes for the word arms (which is why you always hear it paired with charms in love songs). So I'd change the 2nd line so that you don't have the impossible task of coming up with an original rhyme for arms. There aren't any; they've all been used ad nauseum (even by me).

 

Wrapped in silence,

lost in your eyes

I always needed

????

 

You can take it from there.

 

I don't know if this helps, but those are my critiques.

 

Again, the song has a nice vibe to it, but it does need some work, IMO.

 

LCK

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