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"What's the Matter With Me?" new (ish) song -- is the lyric good to go?


LCK

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Here's a little blues number I've been working on. It's kind of a jazzy blues, actually, with a kind of unique (for me) chord structure:

 

CMaj9 - Fm7 -

CMaj9 - Ab7 -

CMaj9 - Fm9 -

Dm9 - G7 -

CMaj7 - C#dim -

F9 - Fm6 -

Dm9 Fm7 CMaj9

 

I'm planning on putting new strings on my guitar tonight, and tightening the machines. So tomorrow (or later tonight) I'm hoping I can upload a demo.

 

Meanwhile, what do you guys think of this lyric? Anything need changing?

 

"What's the Matter With Me?"

 

I always loved trouble

beginning day one.

I taunted my teachers;

detention was fun.

I chased all the girls,

now it's I who must run.

What's the matter with me?

 

I never let lovers

get under my skin.

Romance was my river

and I was Huck Finn.

Floated by on my charm,

now it's doin' me in.

What's the matter with me?

 

So glad was I to dine

on solitude and wine.

Why book a table for two?

Everything was fine

until your lips met mine.

Now I'm so happy

it's makin' me blue.

 

That's why I pluck daisies

and I talk to the bees,

no longer the person

I most want to please.

I'm as corny as Jolson

when he'd fall to his knees.

What's the matter with me?

 

 

(repeat bridge instrumentally)

 

 

 

 

That's why I pluck daisies

and I talk to the bees,

no longer the person

I most want to please.

I'm as sad as Sinatra

on his early LPs.

What's the matter with me?

What's the matter with me?

 

Well, I haven't a clue

but I guess if it's you,

then I love what's the matter with me.

 

 

 

Words & Music
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"I'm as sad as Sinatra on his early LPs." - Great line, and really nice tune at all, I like the lyrics and the style. The "on solitude and wine." sounded a little weird to me though, I expected it to resemble "So glad was I to dine" :)

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I think it's pretty smack on except... I really like the line sad as Sinatra (and, rather shockingly, googling the phrase marked off by quote marks for a literal search returns only your own previous mention of it as a possible album title -- so you're on record, now, apparently, as owning that line. :thu: )

 

But... as we both know, Sinatra's early period in the 1940's was a mix of puppy love/bobby soxer stuff mixed with his early trademark wisftulness.

 

It's that wised up, jaded stuff from his late 30s and early 40s (in the early/mid 50s) that's really got that blues after three feel.

 

But... I'm not sure you could find a quick way of getting all that into the line -- and his career did stretch into the 1980s, so, you know, I'll let you get away with it.

 

But jus so as our younger readers might think I'm on about nothing (again), here's a list of his early sides from 1939... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frank_Sinatra_discography#With_the_Harry_James_Orchestra_.28Columbia.29_.281939.29

 

 

As to the mouth trumpet... mouth trumpet is something many do amusingly, some do smoothly, and few do really, really well. I was charmed, but I think you and I might want to sign up for one of those nice little mouth trumpet workshops I'm sure are held in B-and-B's across the Adirondacks in off season. ;)

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Sinatra's early period in the 1940's was a mix of puppy love/bobby soxer stuff mixed with his early trademark wisftulness.


It's that
wised up
, jaded stuff from his late 30s and early 40s (in the early/mid 50s) that's really got that blues after three feel.

 

 

Yeah, I'm pretty sure Sinatra's bobby-soxer period was on 78s. It was only in the early 50s that 33-1/3 LPs started being made. Frank's Capitol albums like No One Cares, Where Are You, and The Wee Small Hours of the Morning are considered by some to be first "concept" albums ever made.

 

As for the mouth "trumpet" (thrombone, really), yeah it needs work. But I plan on recording the song with a real trombonist.

 

Thanks, Leonard. I'm glad you think it has a classic feel. And thanks to Roman as well.

 

I really appreciate getting any kind of feedback.

 

LCK

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Love it! Except for...

 

So glad was I to dine

on solitude and wine.

Why book a table for two?

Everything was fine

until your lips met mine.

Now I'm so happy

it's makin' me blue.

 

It feels like that is the spot for a peak. A pre-ending climax. You're doing it but, you're almost throwing it away. I'd work a little harder on those 2 pay off lines there to twist the cliche.

 

If I'm so happy

Why do I feel so blue?

 

Or something. Great tune.

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Love it! Except for...


So glad was I to dine

on solitude and wine.

Why book a table for two?

Everything was fine

until your lips met mine.

Now I'm so happy

it's makin' me blue.


It feels like that is the spot for a peak. A pre-ending climax. You're doing it but, you're almost throwing it away. I'd work a little harder on those 2 pay off lines there to twist the cliche.

 

 

It's funny to read your comment. I was totally stoked when that line came to me. I thought it was the perfect capper for the bridge, as well as the perfect lead-in to the last verse.

 

That said, in the spirit of this forum I will take your comment and try to think of something new, maybe a variation on your suggestion and see if it works better.

 

Thanks, Lee!

 

LCK

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I like it a lot. Lyrically it's rock solid. Melodically it works great. Ha, ha, ha, love the mouth trombone solo, ha, ha, ha.

 

I think you just need to schmaltz up the vocal presentation. I know that's just a demo. I think it needs some playful loose mouthed jazzy vocal phrasing to match the playfulness of the lyric.

 

Great work.

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It's funny to read your comment. I was totally stoked when that line came to me. I thought it was the perfect capper for the bridge, as well as the perfect lead-in to the last verse.


That said, in the spirit of this forum I will take your comment and try to think of something new, maybe a variation on your suggestion and see if it works better.


Thanks, Lee!


LCK

 

 

It is a great pay-off thought. Though I like Lee's idea to tweak it. It is positioned to be the clincher. And it works pretty good as it. But I see where Lee's idea could possibly bring it home stronger.

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It's funny to read your comment. I was totally stoked when that line came to me. I thought it was the perfect capper for the bridge, as well as the perfect lead-in to the last verse.


That said, in the spirit of this forum I will take your comment and try to think of something new, maybe a variation on your suggestion and see if it works better.


Thanks, Lee!


LCK

 

:) Well...

 

"That said, in the spirit of this forum..."

 

It isn't the spirit of this forum to change what you like. I'm only giving you reaction. If my input speaks to you, cool. If not, I would assume you're right. You've done something really cool. If it's where you want it... leave it. :)

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nit picky but I'd try and loose a syllable in this one line

 

 

Floated by on my charm

 

 

Floated by on charm

 

I like what its saying here.

 

 

Now I'm so happy

it's makin' me blue

 

 

I think it makes perfect sense with the song, and leads nicely to the last verse, but I can sort of see where Lee is coming from too. This might sound weird, but those two lines just aren't as dazzling as the preceding 5.

 

I've been sitting here for a while trying to come up with anything else, but got nothing.

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nit picky but I'd try and lose a syllable in this one line


Floated by on charm

 

 

I know. The original was "got by on my charm" but I couldn't resist the image of this guy as the Huck Finn of make-out artists, rafting down the River of Romance.

 

LCK

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Yep. I love Wee Small Hours, myself. FWIW, I keep reading that his first studio album, The Voice of Frank Sinatra is widely considered the 'first concept album' -- it was released as 8 sides on 4 78's in '46 and then on a 10" 33-1/3 LP in '48 [which I have safely in storage] -- but, for the life of me, looking at the songlist, I don't quite get the concept. But it's certainly fine music.

 

I'd say he started out on the wistful side in the very late 30s and through the 40s and then went sad and lonely in the early 50s -- and then cynical and swingin' in the 60s... ;)

 

You had me walking around the flat trying out my own mouth horn efforts -- which were once semi-reasonable but no match for the great vocal 'instrumentalists' of the 30s -- but, well, you have to move some real air and that means being loud... and my little beachside flat is spitting distance from neighbors on 3 sides... I'll wait for the next big rainstorm to woodshed on that. :D

 

I can't wait for the real trombone!

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I like! If it were me I'd streamline it and go with the best line. Seems like it could be tighter - have a simpler clarity of purpose. It seems needlessly complicated rightnow - it's in the past tense. There's a couple characters in there. And unreliable narrator a a la huck finn. A surprise twist ending- loses impact because seems like your trying to cram too many good ideas into one thing.

 

One tact could be just to focus on the lovable sex maniac angle - lovable rogues are cool in country and soul.

 

If Love is a river

Call me Huck Finn

And if something's wrong

With diving in

Floating along

woman to woman

 

I Love what's the Matter With Me

 

If Love is a flower

Call me busy bee

And if something's wrong

Makin honey

Flying from Jasmine

to Iris to Lily...

 

I Love what's the Matter with Me.

 

Or play up the whole you make whole angle - which is sentimental and nice.

 

I think I'm naive

You say I'm sincere

I worry too much

You tell me I care

I call em flaws

You call em lovely

 

You love what's the matter with me

 

Something along those lines might fly too.

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