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Be a Man: New song o' mine


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I listened once through to just the song. I felt the tension while picking up enough of the lyric to get a bit of the message. It was good enough to get me to listen again with a sharp eye this time on the lyric sheet.

 

I have to say that I liked the whole experience better when I was just listening. The story line, when followed closely, was a bit disconcerting to me. You depict a complex scene that made want stop and analyze rather than listen.

 

So I listened a third time....just to the song but with a real knowledge now of the plot and it was the best listen of the three.

 

Your delivery is....infectious. It got under my skin.....made me listen.

 

Nice to see you back.:wave:

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Yeah. Cool.

 

Yes you've got to bring the vocals up. I totally missed "I'll invite" at the beginning. (I had to go back and listen twice again to figure out how you sang the words printed). And that's a great lyric that sets up the situation. Don't let it get lost in the mud. You've set up a great unique situational lyric. Let the words carry the story. The guitar part should just be an annoying presence in the background. It should not dominate. The story dominates. The guitar colors it.

 

And the first "Be a man" is not intelligible, either. And that's the punch line. But it's very good over all. And lyrically it holds together great. Music and lyrics have dynamic tension. They work together great.

 

I like it a lot.

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PS - I'd try to change the melodic first line so that the "I'll in-" part isn't so low. You might start with the "I'll" on the same note as "vite." The "in" could be lower so you'd be high-low-high. That'd be a way to punch the "I'll" and the "in" as much as you're punching the "vite." We don't want top miss a juicy word of it.

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I think of the lines you highlighted there are two in which I agree.

The phrase "She lures" I think I need to change. but I like the rest of the line because it gives the sense that this girl loves them and leaves them with the check of emotional tribulations that they in essence need to "pay" for. So that part I'll most likely leave. Unless some one can come up with something so cool it can't be ignored.

 

The other line would be, "The jealousy abounds" line. When I sing that one word, abounds, it's hard to end on "ounD" sounding word and make it distinguishable. At least for me. So that one too may need revising. But thank you all for the listens and the critiques. I've messed with the volume automation on the main vocal track so I'll upload that version post haste!:rawk:

 

Cheers,

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I think of the lines you highlighted there are two in which I agree.

The phrase "She lures" I think I need to change. but I like the rest of the line because it gives the sense that this girl loves them and leaves them with the check of emotional tribulations that they in essence need to "pay" for. So that part I'll most likely leave. Unless some one can come up with something so cool it can't be ignored.


The other line would be, "The jealousy abounds" line. When I sing that one word, abounds, it's hard to end on "ounD" sounding word and make it distinguishable. At least for me. So that one too may need revising.

 

 

Yeah, I got the meaning of the "leaves them with the check line." The problem with that and the others I underlined is that they don't sound like a guy in this situation talking to the other guy, they kinda sound like a guy in a room writing a song about the situation. In some cases you've written very clear, very urgent, and very real-sounding dialogue. In the ones I've underlined, you've fallen short on that assignment.

 

In other words, if you were in this kind of ultra-emotional, heightened situation would you be saying things like "the jealousy abounds?" Doubtful.

 

With the "turned your life into a drag" line, it's obvious that you're using the word drag so you can rhyme it with "stabs you in the back," which simply doesn't work. "She lures and leaves you with the check" is not a real line. It's an approximation, something you're sticking into the middle of all this punchy, realistic dialogue b/c it kinda means what you want to say. The problem is, it doesn't, not really. It's a first (or second or third) draft approximation of what the real line would be.

 

The real line would be more like, "First she lures you, then she leaves you with the check." That's what he's really trying to say. The problem is, that doesn't fit the melody, so you've truncated it. Sometimes that works really well; in this case, it doesn't (IMO).

 

As for "Just like she does with all, with all the other guys" you're using too many words, and being repetitive. That could be interpreted as the guy is kind of stuttering -- and who wouldn't in this kind of situation? -- or that you (the writer) aren't writing with clarity. Nearly everything else is clear, direct, strong, and punchy. This is weak.

 

You have a great idea here, a very interesting take on a very specific kind of situation, and your writing does it justice, for the most part. I've underlined where I think you've fallen short, not because you don't have the talent or ability to write with clarity, but b/c you've found some pretty good lines that are almost good enough, meaning they're not. For great writers, almost is never good enough.

 

You can do better.

 

LCK

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Hey LCK,

 

As far as rhyming "drag" with "back" while it's not a "perfect" rhyme it is certainly can be considered a "family rhyme" in which the syllables' vowel sounds are the same and the consonant sounds after the vowels belong to the same phonetic family. In this case the plosives I believe.

 

You said:The real line would be more like, "First she lures you, then she leaves you with the check." That's what he's really trying to say. The problem is, that doesn't fit the melody, so you've truncated it. Sometimes that works really well; in this case, it doesn't (IMO).

 

I can use that line as is by erasing the phrase "Yeah blame the girl". Right now that's all I have time to address. But thanks for the food for thought.

 

Cheers,

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It's funny, but it might be a bit much.


How about


I don't expect an ounce of sympathy from you.

But you're not the only guy with a "Madeline" tattoo.


LCK

 

 

Yeah. Kinda ruins the mood eh? Yeah I don't know if I'm keen on the liver thing either. I like the idea of standng n the queue only because there's so many guys she's done the same thing to naturally a line would begin to form. Who knows.

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Already discussed some of the things that jumped out at (a few lines, remix to bring some of the low vox up) so I'll just say that I love that electric guitar droning away in the background. That is very cool.

 

I'm also a big fan of the falsetto.

 

WRT the refrain, it could use a little more volume, but I hope you don't change the melody. It is the perfect closure to each verse as it sits now.

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I like the music.

 

But my sense was the melody needs more, I don't know, life. Gotta lift or lilt more at the end of the verses maybe. I mean, there's gotta be room in that harmonic bed to do more with the melody. That's cause the central riff is a samey drone. And the lyric melody is a samey drone. Lots of good songs have flat melodies or changes - but something should maybe give a bit to build the intrigue.

 

Otherwise it just becomes kinda of hammer.

 

Lyricwise, I'm always of the thought of why not just say it simpler and sooner - which can be a taste thing or not. I think this might benefit from just spelling it out up top what the deal is rather than banking on listener caring enough to stick around and try and figure it all out.

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I like the music.


But my sense was the melody needs more, I don't know, life. Gotta lift or lilt more at the end of the verses maybe. I mean, there's gotta be room in that harmonic bed to do more with the melody. That's cause the central riff is a samey drone. And the lyric melody is a samey drone. Lots of good songs have flat melodies or changes - but something should maybe give a bit to build the intrigue.


Otherwise it just becomes kinda of hammer.


Lyricwise, I'm always of the thought of why not just say it simpler and sooner - which can be a taste thing or not. I think this might benefit from just spelling it out up top what the deal is rather than banking on listener caring enough to stick around and try and figure it all out.

 

 

Hmmm. I really disagree. Not that I'm trying to open a discussion of your opinion here, but I'd like to make a point to Ontological... for me... don't change the verse melody.

 

A hammer? Sure. A cool, ominous hammer. Like the one in Watchtower. Pound away. It rocks.

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I might just steal that one Lee. Thanks! And then there's the line


I can see it in your eyes

She played you like a clown

Your jealousy it screams

And knocks me to the ground


Maybe I can switch that to


I can see it in your eyes she played you like a fool

And now you think I stole your precious little jewel

 

 

I like the clown line better, but I think it needs a little work.

 

Maybe "your jealousy's so strong it almost knocks me down?"

 

I also strongly suggest you re-think this:

 

I

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Thanks for all the ideas. But there's also this to keep in mind. Somethings may look good on paper but sound horrible when sung and vice versa. So I have to keep in mind if I can make something sound sweet or forced.

 

 

Right on. For the last suggestion I made I actually sang along with your tune 6 or 7 times before settling on the word choices I made. But that's me singing your song. So your voice is the only one that really counts.

 

LCK

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It's good! But, I'm not crazy about "nothing left to lose". Only cause... it's more a stock song phrase and less a genuine attempt to say something. It's too throw away. I'd dig a little deeper for your meaning and say that.

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