Jump to content

Revisiting One


Oswlek

Recommended Posts

  • Members

I'm kind've in a rut, so rather than post something in process, I'll post something that I thought was done but subsequently realized the lyrics don't quite stand the test of time.

 

Here is a demo, in which I was targetting a "Bookends" by Simon and Garfunkle feel.

 

[video=youtube;9ZwvCS-zaxc]

 

and here is a more polished version a buddy of mine put together.

 

[video=youtube;gDs5lOeStnA]

 

The lyrics roll along in the first vid, but here they are typed up for clarity:

 

 

Ten years gone but not forgotten

Final days circle the drain

I guess our vows couldn

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I really like the last two lines, too.

 

And reading the lyric, I really liked the 2nd line, but it doesn't mesh well with the rhythm of the melody line. That means you either have to find an alternate word order to fit that rhythm, or toss the "circle the drain" bit.

 

To me the song isn't all that "bad" or "unfinished." There's some good stuff here.

 

Off the top of my head, if I were to fool around with the lyric a little, I might come up with something like...

 

Ten years gone but not forgotten

What's remembered is the pain.

And the vows that couldn

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Thanks for the feedback, Lee. I'm encouraged that some of the things I thought were questionable you essentially kept. Perhaps it is closer to "done" than I've been thinking.

 

Much appreciated and I'll play with what you've offered...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I second your thought about the empty yard image, it's really intensive. Just a quick thought about the last lines, how about something like:

 

Ten years gone, were they wasted?

Ten years never felt so sad.

but even if these(those?) years don't kill you.

you wish they had.

 

Edit: To keep the tense right, "but even if they didn't kill you/haven't killed you" might work too, rhythmwise.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

 

For whatever reason (which I can't put into words) this lyric went straight to my heart. In a word, superb. Don't change a word of it, OSWLEK. To coin a phrase, Don't change a hair for me!

 

 

I'm with Mark here. I think it's perfect. I didn't listen to the 2nd, just the 1st. It grabs me. Great melody. Great images. Why change it?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Tending flowers you planted

No they never look as well

The same could be said

For myself

 

That's a heck of a lyric right there.

 

I listened to both. Like your original a bit better. You don't waste a thing in that song.....you brought the song right home to me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Fascinating! It is my time here that made me think the "wasted" and "don't tell me" lines were'nt quite up to snuff. I was certain you guys would hone in on them and tear 'em to bits!

 

Just when you think you know somethin'....... ;)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...