Jump to content

Help on a new song before I get the band involved


J Andrew

Recommended Posts

  • Members

Hey guys! I used to post here under the name jaybunting way back a couple years ago, but I kind of took a break from recording for a while and have since made a return.

 

I've been building a collection of folk songs and am in the middle of a great writing streak thanks to a breakup (almost makes it worth it, really). I wanted to get your guys' feedback on a track I wrote a few days back before I bring it to the band I've been working with. I just want it to be as perfect as it can be before we start fleshing out full instrumentation.

 

It's called, "I'll See You Again," and its an optimistic (sort of) love/breakup song. It's a little more country-ish and maybe a little less folkey than what I usually write, but here it goes.

 

I'd love any and all feedback!

 

"I'll See You Again"

[video=youtube;yyqGHPfnDsQ]

 

Lyrics:

 

Go take a mountaintop

Put in your dreams

'Cause I'm climbing every stone

All the way to you from me

And don't you try to sympathize

'Cause I know every word behind those eyes

And don't you try to say it right

No, I'll be walking with the moon tonight

 

(chorus)What am I to do?

If I just can't stop loving you

Don't know what to say

If I did maybe things would go a different way

But I know, yeah I know, and I know, yeah I know

But I know

That I'll see you again

 

Go take a shooting star

Put it in your sky

'Cause I've wished on every one

And dear, I'm running out of tries

Talk about love like it's just a game

But winners, losers, it's all the same

Talk about love like you understand

It's like searching for diamonds in the sand

 

So I'll take the bitter taste

Wash it down with wine

Then I'll fill this empty glass

And try again a second time

You talk about me like I'm just a ghost

Then you raise your glass for one more toast

You talk about me like I'm in the past

So you better just drink it fast

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Pretty classic folk performance there......loved it. Now I'm trying to remember where I put that old harmonica rack.;)

 

Some of the lyrics had me looking for their meaning as they floated by but by the time I got my head around a mountaintop in my dream I was walking with the moon and, quite frankly, I was happy to be doing so.:cool:

 

Nice work. Curious as to how it will sound in a band setting.:wave:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

You might make sure you've got your vocal phrasing tightened up a bit for certain sections. Like this:

 

Talk about love like you understand

It's like searching for diamonds in the sand

 

Another thing you might try... how about a more hooky harmonica part for intros, etc. Maybe using the rhythm of the yeah I know sections, play a little hook that you come back to on the harp.

 

As far as arrangement. I'd look for a cool electric riff, more of a rock tele part, to act as a support for the verses. I think the bass and drum groove are totally apparent and if your guys are any good, they'll just sort of fall into something...

 

Maybe something along these lines:

 

[video=youtube;hmHgY_J63Ik]

 

Sounds like fun. Wish I could be there.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

You've got some great lyric lines in there. I especially like:

 

 

Go take a shooting star

Put it in your sky

'Cause I've wished on every one

And dear, I'm running out of tries

 

 

and:

 

 

So I'll take the bitter taste

Wash it down with wine

Then I'll fill this empty glass

And try again a second time

 

 

If I had to make any criticism, I would say the chorus is a little weak compared to the rest of the song. The chord progression and melody at the beginning of the chorus are very similar to the beginning of the verses. Not that that can't work in some situations; some hit songs have exactly the same progression and melody in the chorus and verses. But in this case, I was looking for a bit of a boost when the chorus hit. And I have to respectfully disagree with Lee about the repeated 'I know' line. Too many repetitions of that line for my taste. I might suggest breaking it up with another lyric line in the middle somewhere.

 

Overall, though, a very cool song. I really like the upbeat, optimistic-sounding vibe of the rhythm and melody.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I like the song... but agree with Monkey Uncle about the chorus bit. Some sort of change to make the chorus more evident. Maybe for the Yeah I Know part you could just substitute some different words?

 

What am I to do?

If I just can't stop loving you

Don't know what to say

If I did maybe things would go a different way

But I know, how it goes, and I hope, yeah I hope

No I know

That I'll see you again

 

One last criticism, and take this with a grain of salt... I'm not a fan of the harmonica. It's not you... it's more 'it'. Would be cool in the full band arrangement to have maybe piano or something else... take some of the cliche away.

 

All that said, I did really enjoy it... and find that it's still in my head. The driving acoustic rhythm is really cool and catchy. Also, the sound is really nice... what equipment are you using?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

Great ideas^

 

Regarding the "yeah I know" bit. What works for me is that the rhythm, the cadence breaks up the flow. It's memorable. The melody contrasts with the previous and following bits. Improve the lyrics like Bee3's ideas above? Sure! But that part stands out as a hook.

 

Regarding the idea that the chorus is too similar to the verse? I agree. I think the 1st and 3rd line in the chorus could benefit from going to the IV chord and rerouting the melody. Maybe descend from the tonic note of the IV chord and return to your regular melody for the 2nd and 4th lines...

 

(chorus)What am I to do?

If I just can't stop loving you

Don't know what to say

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...