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WIP King of the city - does the repetiition bother you?


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Hello

 

Just roughly tracked another new one

 

Im not too fussed on production issues at the mo.... ive laid down a simple kick (which is also my metronome so will be gone from intro) and snare (i will be adding cymbals ect) a bass and a couple of acoustic tracks

 

I will be adding many more things...piano..ect ...

 

The question really is... are you bothered that i repeat the first verse for the second verse? It doesnt bother me but if it bothers EVERYONE else i may consider changing it... im hoping the adding of instruments (when i do it) will break up the samey-ness

 

anyway here goes

 

King of the city

 

Just because she doesnt feel it

Doesnt mean it dont exist does it

And when she reaches out to touch it

Will it disappear without a trace

 

Just take your time

to think about the things

youve left behind

my dear

 

And as its passing by

dont forget to check

the rear view mirror

 

Now she dances for the king of the city

that beautiful posture

her face is so pretty

But nobody knows

that when she goes home alone

she just sits and waits for her lover to come home

 

to come home

 

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_songInfo.cfm?bandID=977998&songID=10848474

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are you bothered that i repeat the first verse for the second verse? It doesnt bother me but if it bothers EVERYONE else i may consider changing it...

 

 

I think it might be more interesting if you didn't repeat it. It doesn't really bother me, though. The tune is very catchy* but the story isn't very compelling as is. I personally would like to know more about the main character. Right now she's either a cipher or a cliche. (Sorry...)

 

The lyric needs a bit more work. Two lines stuck out as being too "wordy."

 

Doesn't mean it don't exist, does it... (which I don't have a fix for)

 

and

 

to think about the things (which would flow better as "to think of things").

 

I'd also find something to replace beautiful posture for two reasons. A) You're following that phrase with "her face is so pretty," so you're repeating yourself. And B) the word posture doesn't really fit the mood of the song. ("Her face is so pretty" could also be replaced by something more interesting.)

 

LCK

 

It's been running through my head while I was writing this, and it also now occurs to me that it's very similar to another of your recent tunes. I'm not sure which one, though.

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I think it might be more interesting if you
didn't
repeat it. It doesn't really bother me, though. The tune is very catchy* but the story isn't very compelling as is. I personally would like to know more about the main character. Right now she's either a cipher or a cliche. (Sorry...)


The lyric needs a bit more work. Two lines stuck out as being too "wordy."


Doesn't mean it don't exist, does it... (which I don't have a fix for)


and


to think a
bout
the things (which would flow better as "to
think
of things").


I'd also find something to replace
beautiful posture
for two reasons. A) You're following that phrase with "her face is so pretty," so you're repeating yourself. And B) the word
posture
doesn't really fit the mood of the song. ("Her face is so pretty" could also be replaced by something more interesting.)


LCK


It's been running through my head while I was writing this, and it also now occurs to me that it's very similar to another of your recent tunes. I'm not sure which one, though.

 

 

hmm interesting - when i take "about" out and put "think" in , i just cant sing it right.... i need that 2 syllabals to keep the flow

 

also not sure i agree with losing posture (is it repeated?) posture is the way she carries herself (as a dancer) and her pretty face... well thats another thing?

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hmm interesting - when i take "about" out and put "think" in , i just cant sing it right.... i need that 2 syllabals to keep the flow


also not sure i agree with losing posture (is it repeated?) posture is the way she carries herself (as a dancer) and her pretty face... well thats another thing?

 

 

Actually, I think the extra syllables interfere with the flow.

 

Try a long pause after "take your time..." start leading into the next measure with "to..." then sing "think" on the downbeat.

 

As for posture, "dancer's posture?" I mean, yes, I got that you were talking about a dancer, but for some reason that word stuck out a little.

 

LCK

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...now she seemingly has everything she desired......
but she now misses said man

 

 

First off, I absolutely dig the first 4 lines. Especially, Doesn't mean it don't exist does it. That's just one of those lines that rings in the ear like great pop tunes do. Love it. Love the whole tune and idea. Dancing for the king is a great image. A career pinnacle and yet... insubstantial to her when it gets down to it. It all made perfect sense and really struck chord with me. Except...

 

"...now she seemingly has everything she desired...... but she now misses said man". As I listened, I heard the story of her happily waiting for him to come home, cause he does. He walks in with his lunch box and tools and smiles at her. Him building towers for the king, her dancing for same.

 

But he doesn't come home? That's a sad thing . If there were a way to, with just a word or a line, clear of the fact that she's still waiting, I think that might give the tune one of those great, old fashioned zingers like He Stopped Loving Her Today.

 

Perhaps changing a line or two in that whole repeated thing would be a neat trick. Pertinent info sprinkled in the 2nd time through? BTW, the repeat sort of taps in to the repetitive nature of her everyday...

 

Love the feel of this. It's sad in a very unique way.

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First off, I absolutely dig the first 4 lines. Especially,
Doesn't mean it don't exist does it
. That's just one of those lines that rings in the ear like great pop tunes do. Love it. Love the whole tune and idea. Dancing for the king is a great image. A career pinnacle and yet... insubstantial to her when it gets down to it. It all made perfect sense and really struck chord with me. Excpet...


...now she seemingly has everything she desired......
but she now misses said man
. As I listened, I heard the story of her happily waiting for him to come home, cause he
does.
He walks in with his lunch box and tools and smiles at her. Him building towers for the kind, her dancing.


But he doesn't come home? That's a sad thing . If there were a way to, with just a word or a line clear of the fact that she's
still
waiting, I think that might give the tune one of those great, old fashioned zingers like He Stopped Loving Her Today.


Perhaps changing a line or two in that whole repeated thing would be a neat trick. Pertinenet info spinkled in the 2nd time through? BTW, the repeat sort of taps in to the repetitive nature of her everyday...


Love the feel of this. It's sad in a very unique way.

 

 

yeh i guess that would complete it - but also its a more "be careful what you wish for story". its pretty much factual (except dancing for the king wasnt the ultimate goal...but thats another story) i dunno .... i kinda like leaving it that in essence she made a mistake and in true unhollywood fashion....it didnt pay off

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FWIW, I like posture, even though it is a bit awkward at the end of a line. I'd consider a slight re wording of that verse though. Maybe something like

 

 

Now she entertains the king of the city

her dancers posture

and face is so pretty

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Ok - im putting a few more instruments on - still not there yet.... need to work a little on piano and i have ideas for harmonica and melodica and some little fill bits between verse lines as they are sparse

 

im still undecided on the lyrics and havent rerecorded them yet

 

they werent really bothering me but now i feel they may be a little lazy

 

any more suggestions..... i like osme of the suggestions above but am finding it hard to fit a lot of them in with the flow of the melody

 

http://soundcloud.com/stickboy/king-of-the-city-demo-will-be/

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its about said girl... who thought the spark had gone... thought it would be better to follow the dream and forget the relationship (maybe not dancing for the king but i dont want to be too literal) ..... now she seemingly has everything she desired...... but she now misses said man

 

 

That's a good story. You should put it to music...

 

Sorry to be cheeky about it, but seriously, that did not come across in your lyric. I'm sure the seeds of it are there, they just need a little water and fertilizer, and some room to grow.

 

LCK

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