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A strange little song..


gubu

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I have a melody for this but can't for the life of me figure out the chord run. At least not in the key that suits my voice. One to persist with til it works.

 

Here's the lyrics:-

 

chorus

Difference stands at the outpost

Temperance calls within

In between, the wreckage sits

And tho the sky is dappled grey

Beneath the frames we've turned today

The flowers haven't withered

 

1

Wisping thru time on stirrings of air

Curious voices of children declaring their hope

Of an infinite cure for their ills

 

2

Skin left to dry on wintertime trees

Faraway butterflies cursing the breezes too late

For the hurricanes born in the west

 

3

Men beyond reason, bursting with light

Sitting as logic drips sweat on the tightrope and falls

Thru the web of reflections below

 

chorus

Difference stands at the outpost

Temperance calls within

In between, the wreckage sits

And tho the sky is dappled grey

Beneath the frames we've turned today

The flowers haven't withered

 

No apologies for the weirdness of the lyrics, it came all at once at around 9am after an all nighter with some old friends. There is meaning in there, but maybe only to me :idk:

I know the structure is also peculiar when you see it laid out like that but it does seem to sing nicely. Maybe it's more of a vignette than a song, again :idk:

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I'm all in favour of varied structures - starting with the chorus sets one mood, and then a string of verses can set another mood - and close with a chorus.

It feels right.

 

I like the rhyming structure in the verses where you rhyme the last word with the 1st syllable of the 3rd to last word.

 

One suggestion I'll make for when you are developing the chord structure. You could give yourself the following rhyming option of 2nd & 4th in the chorus:

 

Difference stands at the outpost

Temperance calls within

In between, the wreckage sits

And tho the sky is cold and thin (or grey and thin)

Beneath the frames we've turned today

The flowers haven't withered

 

I think the abstractions work without being vague or flakey.

You've got my interest as to where you will now take it musically.

I'm at the start of my songwriting learning curve, so it's beneficial to be part of other people's process.

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Thanks OGP,

I've got the chord run figured out now. It's got some suspended chords and 6ths (I think) that help it flow nicely with the melody. It's in a moderate 3/4 so I'll have to work on my 'waltz time' chops before trying to get anything recorded.

 

The cool thing is that it's in D but returns to A. I'm sure that there is some technical name for that type of scale, but I don't know what it is! :)

 

On the rhyming scheme, thanks for noticing! There is some trad Irish/English style assonance going on in some parts also that seem to work well when I'm singing it. If I'd tried to achieve that sort of thing deliberately, I'd have failed utterly. Like yourself, I consider myself a total songwriting novice in technical terms. The songs seem to kind of drift into my consciousness a lot of the time, and this one did so very quickly. Taking them to the next level is going to require a lot of effort methinks.

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There is a nice chord usage going on and some lovely melodic changes in the vocal, but I was wanting it to go a bit further.

There is a sameness about the verses and chorus. This is accentuated by both the verse and chorus starting with the root chord and ending with the root chord.

 

I felt that the 3 line verse melodies were particularly nice, but the melody supporting the last 3 words of each verse feels quite uncertain of what it might be.

Perhaps it needs a different chord or alternative melody under those 3 end words if keeping the same chord.

 

I think the music is 80% there, but needs the final 20% tweaked.

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How did I miss this? Really cool song. I love the chord change at: cursing the breezes. Actually I love all the chords changes. On a non-song related note, what kind of guitar (and amp) is that? It's got a great tone the way you're finger strumming it.

 

Cool voice too. But most importantly, I really dig the tune. I'll admit I have no idea what you're singing about but it absolutely works that way. nice.

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Thanks again OGP!

 

You're right about the melody on all points. As you can hear, my guitar chops are quite rudimentary so I left out the suspended chords and 6ths that I mentioned above when I was recording this. There's a suspended 2nd on those last 3 words of the verses that ties the melody down in a much more musical way.

 

Agreed also on the sameness of the chorus and verses. One thing I am going to try is to have either the chorus or verse resolve to D and the other resolve to A. The song is in D but resolves to A. Maybe if either the verse or chorus was in D but resolved to D, it would break up this sameness?

It will be a day or 2 before I get to do any more work on this tho..

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Interesting song, cool tune, voice and guitar.

 

Since I assume the lyric is not meant to be taken literally I guess it doesn't matter to you that hurricanes are born in the east, not the west. Maybe you're not talking about actual hurricanes at all. But that's the only thing that stuck out.

 

In the verses, I like the way the second line uses an internal rhyme structure.

 

Very nice.

 

LCK

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The abstractness works because it uses specific details.

 

I love the difference/temperance rhyme at the beginning of those lines. I do think the chorus would be stronger if you could rhyme line 3 and 6, preferably line 3 with withered. That would also get rid of ending a line with within and starting the next with in.

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Cool song. I like unusual different structures. (But that's me. Don't take it to Nashville). Your recording clears up the cadence of the 2nd line well. You didn't return to the chorus in the recording. It begs for a return. (pretty please ?)

 

My only comment is the 3rd verse concluding line: "Thru the web of reflections below" doesn't seem as conclusive as the closing line of the first two verses.

 

Also interesting you've changed the closing line in the chorus to: " I see your face still the same." It probably works better that way. It clues the listener into the idea this is a relationship thing that is making the singer be so pensive. "The flowers" are much more detached. It's nice to give the listener a limb to hold onto in the current of images rushing by.

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How did I miss this? Really cool song. I love the chord change at: cursing the breezes. Actually I love all the chords changes. On a non-song related note, what kind of guitar (and amp) is that? It's got a great tone the way you're finger strumming it.


Cool voice too. But most importantly, I really dig the tune. I'll admit I have no idea what you're singing about but it absolutely works that way. nice.

 

Thanks Lee!

 

I actually wrote this, words and melody, around 13 or 14 years ago and only finally figured out the chord run properly after I'd posted the lyrics here the other night. It all boiled down to it being in D, but returning to A. I do wish someone could tell me what the name is for this type of scale!

 

On the meaning - Well, I explained the meaning to Mrs. Gubu after she asked what it's about and she had a look on her face that suggested she'd just found new depths to my craziness when I was done with my explanation :lol: So, I'm happy for listeners to find their own meaning in it, or no meaning at all if they prefer.

 

Thanks also for the compliment on my guitar tone. Yes, it's finger strummed. I believe the correct description is 'boxing glove picking' :) And WYB, the setup is just an old Chinese Stratocopy into my MBox. I run Amplitube on the guitar channel and some reverb and have found that Amplitube (and other amp sims) sound much better with a comp and eq in front. The tone still needs some work but you can't really go wrong with a clean strat and some nice reverb..

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Interesting song, cool tune, voice and guitar.


Since I assume the lyric is not meant to be taken literally I guess it doesn't matter to you that hurricanes are born in the east, not the west. Maybe you're not talking about actual hurricanes at all. But that's the only thing that stuck out.


In the verses, I like the way the second line uses an internal rhyme structure.


Very nice.


LCK

 

Thanks LCK,

 

Yep the hurricanes are real, but in this part of the world, they're born in the south and west ;)

 

Glad you like it otherwise tho. If I'd tried to consciously write to that rhyming structure, I'd have failed utterly. The whole thing came to me at once one morning!

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Cool song. I like unusual different structures. (But that's me. Don't take it to Nashville). Your recording clears up the cadence of the 2nd line well. You didn't return to the chorus in the recording. It begs for a return. (pretty please ?)


My only comment is the 3rd verse concluding line:
"Thru the web of reflections below"
doesn't seem as conclusive as the closing line of the first two verses.


Also interesting you've changed the closing line in the chorus to:
" I see your face still the same."
It probably works better that way. It clues the listener into the idea this is a
relationship thing
that is making the singer be so pensive.
"The flowers"
are much more detached. It's nice to give the listener a limb to hold onto in the current of images rushing by.

 

Thanks Marshal,

 

Did I not repeat the chorus? O, I've just listened back and no, I didn't! :facepalm: well it was late, that's my excuse!

 

I'll be going for another version of it next week and will definitely repeat the chorus. And, I'll be working thru everyone's suggestions regarding line changes etc.

 

Thanks again. It's funny, that was nearly a throwaway song. It's interesting and cool that it's got such a positive reaction here!

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As an example



Difference stands at the outpost

Temperance calls within

The wreckage sits transfigured

And tho the sky is dappled grey

Beneath the frames we've turned today

The flowers haven't withered

 

:cool:

 

Have a listen tho, I've already changed the last line of the chorus from 'the flowers haven't withered' to 'I see your face still the same'

 

http://soundcloud.com/gubu/cheesy-lampshade

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I like it. The somewhat unexpected note at 1:54 (right after the vocal ends) had me hoping to hear that note a time or two more.


best,


john

 

Thanks! Yes that note was unexpected to me too :lol: But, now that you mention it, it may well make a nice jumping off point as I try to develop the song further. I can't decide if it's in D, A or E. It seems that it will resolve to either of these 3 as the tonic, depending on what mood I'm in.

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