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Whore's Promise youtube work 1


Lee Knight

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OK... I've worked up a skeleton arrangement to better see what's working and what's not. Ryan did a great job of nailing the verse lyric. As I put it to music yesterday, I had to make some changes to better either, fit rhythmically, or just to sound right being sung.

 

See if you can find the weak spots. I'd love the help, I'm a little lost. It happens every time. Forest for the trees.

 

So... I worked up a chorus... that's new. And you might notice that the first line of that chorus is "Your Promise." It still ends though with "Like a Whore's Promise".

 

Should the song title and lyric throughout be changed to "YOUR PROMISE?" Or is it fine as is? Also, is the word "prostitution", in the 2nd verse, distracting? I like what the song's saying and how it goes about it, so I'm second guessing the distracting, strong wording. Maybe they've served their purpose to get us here, but we might make a stronger song without them?

 

How about the overall direction and feel. Bear in mind this is a skeleton. I'm hearing horns, backups.

 

Oh... and is the low voice OK or should I just sing it up.

 

...and Ryan, I sure could hear some 'bone trumpet and sax on that riff... :)

 

[video=youtube;THfKsDTSMhY]

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This is great. I like the register you're singing it in. It seems pretty natural.

 

I only heard one spot that might need attention in the delivery.

 

Damned to the same mistakes

 

 

I love what you've done with the chorus.

Tight rhymes, but not predictable, and say exactly what you were going for with this tune

 

Than your promise

where truth is a crossed wire

let's be honest

you weren't born a liar

 

The mentioning of God threw me for a loop. I'm not so sure it fits

 

Even God can't change what's true

You got a messed up point of view

 

Then going here

 

depend on it

 

Kind of draws a parallel between the whore's promise and God. I'm not sure if that's what you were going for or not. The whole God bit takes away some of the directness, and IMO some of the charm.

 

If that is what you were going for, I think there is probably a better way to say it.

 

I think just dropping the reference to God and substituting a personal pronoun would work well since the tune is really about somebody coming to grips with hoe lies. :idea: maybe hoe lies can be in the remix somewhere!

 

Than your promise

where truth is a crossed wire

let's be honest

you weren't born a liar

I know I can't change what's true

You got a messed up point of view

I'll depend on it

Like a whore's promise

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Hoe Lies!!!!

 

:)

 

Yeah, the God thing was from a quote when I went searching for Truth quotes.. Something like God can't even change the truth. But I see what you mean.

 

You know I can't change what's true - that's good.

 

You can't change the truth

Even you can't change what's true

Even you can't change the truth

 

Does "what's true" work? It's a good rhyme but kinda clunky with regards to syntax.

 

Of course with "you got a messed up point of view, I soooo wanted to sing " you got a {censored}ed up point of view". Because that is what I've been saying lately! :) To someone. But I think the limit of verbal grit has been reached. Especially after Hoe Lies!!!

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Of course with "you got a messed up point of view, I soooo wanted to sing " you got a {censored}ed up point of view".
Because that is what I've been saying lately!
:)
To someone. But I think the limit of verbal grit has been reached. Especially after Hoe Lies!!!

 

I could feel that a little bit

 

I like "you got a {censored}ed up point of view," because it sounds like what somebody would say if they were in a situation like this, but agree that there is a better way to say it for this song.

 

No changing what's already proven true

Tripped breakers with your point of view

 

I liked the first line above alot. Not as sure about the second. Makes for a kind of neat reference to crossed wires

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I could feel that a little bit


I like "you got a {censored}ed up point of view," because it sounds like what somebody would say if they were in a situation like this, but agree that there is a better way to say it for this song.


No changing what's already proven true

Tripped breakers with your point of view


I liked the first line above alot. Not as sure about the second. Makes for a kind of neat reference to crossed wires

 

 

 

I'd like this line: No changing what's already proven true, to be more... inevitable. Hence the God reference. But you're right, "God" doesn't work there. What's true is true. I think the simple bold statement.

 

Can't you see what's true is true

You've got a {censored}ed up point of view

 

To say ^that^ with the right rhythmic cadence and meaning... yeah. So, even though the breaker does reference the wires and is a cool line, it comes at a time when we should be testifying. Damn! The truth is the truth baby. Those two lines are in a chordal push and that should be reflected with direct statements and less poetry. Just right there. I think.

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I'd like this line:
No changing what's already proven true
, to be more... inevitable. Hence the God reference. But you're right, "God" doesn't work there. What's true is true. I think the simple bold statement.


Can't you see what's true is true

You've got a {censored}ed up point of view


To say ^that^ with the right rhythmic cadence and meaning... yeah. So, even though the breaker does reference the wires and is a cool line, it comes at a time when we should be
testifying. Damn!
The truth is the truth baby. Those two lines are in a chordal
push
and that should be reflected with direct statements and less poetry. Just right there. I think.

 

 

I see what you mean. Thinking out loud, but you could have a little fun with the truth aspect of it and set up the whore reference a little stronger

 

 

Than your promise

where truth is a crossed wire

let's be honest

you weren't born a liar

lip stick and heels on the truth

can't disguise your point of view

I'll depend on it

Like a whore's promise

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I like the lower register just fine. The song has a lot of potential.

 

A couple of notes on prosody. U-ni-corns is usually pronounced with the stress on the first syllable. You've stressed the third. Same with anything (it should be eh-ny-thing not eh-ny-thing). Also, when someone says "Depend on it," they don't usually stress the word "on."

 

I'm not sure I like "on it" as a rhyme for "promise" anyway. That said, if you go with Ryan's idea of "I'll depend on it like (I would) a whore's promise," it would make more sense.

 

I'm not sure about "Prostitution for barter..." Where's the barter? Isn't that kind of implied?

 

I'm also not sure about truth being a crossed wire. If what's true is true, how does the truth become a crossed wire? I like the phrase -- especially as a rhyme for liar -- I'm just not sure it makes sense.

 

I'm also not crazy about rhyming prize with pride.

 

I really like the idea of saying "you've got a {censored}ed up point of view." I think that's simple and direct. Normally I'd try to shy away from that, but I think in this context, and with the anger in your singing voice, it doesn't make sense to sugar coat anything. Besides you've already gone down that road with the image of a unicorn {censored}ting marshmallows.*

 

I look forward to hearing more. I'll try to think of something clever when I'm out walking.

 

LCK

 

BTW, regarding the video text, it's spelled "marshmallows." And you made a typo with "deceived."

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I'm also not sure about truth being a crossed wire. If what's true is true, how does the truth become a crossed wire? I like the phrase -- especially as a rhyme for liar -- I'm just not sure it makes sense.


 

 

Great point, I hadn't thought of that.

 

That makes a better case for lipstick and heels on the truth as opposed to what's true is true.

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Im really unconvinced on the unicorns {censored}ting line - i mean i like it as a line but the rest of the song is so kinda normal and that is just sat in there and just feels like its from another song (maybe it should be!?)

 

Loving the general feeling of the song, its like a grown up cheesy song without the cheese

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When you sang 'Your promise' it fell flat for me. No bite.

 

Whore's Promise. :wave:

 

Okay...just listened again...

 

That first verse doesn't catch me....somehow you need to make some changes.

 

Regarding the promise....when you first build up to it, it just has to be a whore's promise....has to. You can be angry early and use angry language, but....when you get to the end you can soften it up a little. So I like.....'I'll depend on it, if you give me Your Promise.' You could use that as the title.

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When you sang 'Your promise' it fell flat for me. No bite.


Whore's Promise.
:wave:

Okay...just listened again...


That first verse doesn't catch me....somehow you need to make some changes.


Regarding the promise....when you first build up to it, it just has to be a whore's promise....has to. You can be angry early and use angry language, but....when you get to the end you can soften it up a little. So I like.....'I'll depend on it, if you give me Your Promise.' You could use that as the title.

 

That flip is interesting and might be something.. Whore first, Promise last. I'll mess with that.

 

"That first verse doesn't catch me"

 

The lyric? ^ The music? The performance?

 

 

Wow guys. Great stuff. I'll be messing with all of this come coffee time tomorrow morning. Thanks a ton for the great feedback and ideas...

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"That first verse doesn't catch me"


The lyric? ^ The music? The performance?

 

 

The lyric, I think....the flow of it. Had to stop in my mind to catch up with the unicorn and marshmallow thing.

 

Just listened again.......I also find my self stumbling over the 'plays along ....'lyric. By the time I get all that sorted I'm already hooked by the pre-hook so I've lost that first verse message.

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I'm jumping in a little late here. I think it sounds great overall, but no surprise there. Your stuff is always top notch.

 

I do think the register is too low for your voice; it sounded like you were choking on the low notes. But that's easily fixed by transposing up a step or so.

 

I agree with several things that have been said: The unicorns line is great, but it just doesn't work in the first verse. Too jarring right out of the gate. However, once you get to the chorus, it's time to pull your balls out and punch us in the face with "whore's promise." As Lenny said, "your promise" has no punch. At that point, the gloves are off and there's no going back, so the point of view needs to be "{censored}ed up" rather than "messed up."

 

Your last suggestion, "love for barter" makes a lot more sense than "prostitution for barter." Can you make the reduced number of syllables flow?

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I'm jumping in a little late here. I think it sounds great overall, but no surprise there. Your stuff is always top notch.


I do think the register is too low for your voice; it sounded like you were choking on the low notes. But that's easily fixed by transposing up a step or so.


I agree with several things that have been said: The unicorns line is great, but it just doesn't work in the first verse. Too jarring right out of the gate. However, once you get to the chorus, it's time to pull your balls out and punch us in the face with "whore's promise." As Lenny said, "your promise" has no punch. At that point, the gloves are off and there's no going back, so the point of view needs to be "{censored}ed up" rather than "messed up."


Your last suggestion, "love for barter" makes a lot more sense than "prostitution for barter." Can you make the reduced number of syllables flow?

 

 

Good stuff MU. Yeah, the "love" would work fine.

 

I'm looking forward to getting some time to do a bit of a re-write.

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I'm jumping in a little late here. I think it sounds great overall, but no surprise there. Your stuff is always top notch.


I do think the register is too low for your voice; it sounded like you were choking on the low notes. But that's easily fixed by transposing up a step or so.

 

 

I agree with this.

 

Had more thoughts, but I'll save them for when I have more time.

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WoW! Love this! Sounds great to me!

 

Im sorry i cant offer up any suggestions i just think it sounds awesome.

 

Can you tell me a little bit about the production? Is that just 2 elec guitars, drums, bass, vox? is there keys in there at all? or a 3rd guitar? The Layers are perfection!

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It's coming together in a bad way for me, musically & Lyrically. It suffers from the blunder of goofy lyrics over earnest music. That works when its Adam Sandler or Weird Al being funny. Otherwise it's just jarring in a bad way.

 

But musically - it's a well-done straight ahead modern blues/rock kinda ballad. Except it features a grown man singing about whores and unicorns and marshmellows. Offbeat in a bad way.

 

I'd make the whole thing earnest. Musically, there's a good song here.

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It's coming together in a bad way for me, musically & Lyrically. It suffers from the blunder of goofy lyrics over earnest music. That works when its Adam Sandler or Weird Al being funny. Otherwise it's just jarring in a bad way.


But musically - it's a well-done straight ahead modern blues/rock kinda ballad. Except it features a grown man singing about whores and unicorns and marshmellows. Offbeat in a bad way.


I'd make the whole thing earnest. Musically, there's a good song here.

 

Don't call me Earnest! :)

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