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October Block Buster Challenge


LCK

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What can I say? I couldn't resist this one.

 

I have two versions. The first one -- the one I currently prefer -- is a guy alone, remembering a past love, a summer love. The other -- which I'd like to like better, but somehow don't -- is about a couple, but they have different reactions to the changing seasons. Here's the first version.

 

 

 

 

It

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There's a sparesness in your 1st draft that works in favour of the song.

The 2nd draft is moving a little towards being over-embellished to my ear.

 

Also there are some lines in the 1st draft that warranted change, but others that have been changed, may have been worth keeping.

The verses in italics are a composite that perhaps offers some possibility of the best of each. They also contain some additional suggestions for development.

 

V1

I watch the softly falling autumn leaves,

their colors perfectly designed.

They match her ruby lips, her golden hair,

and the summer in my mind. -

 

I watch the softly falling autumn leaves,

their colors perfectly designed.

Yet each October makes me more aware

that it's still summer in my mind.

 

*You have the autumn leaves matching the summer in your mind?

Why not keep the original, it's a good line to set-up the point of the song.

 

V2

I love the crackling of a winter fire,

the crimson embers left behind,

the mist that rises from an icy pond,

all know it

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A few thoughts:

 

The "ruby lips" and "golden hair" line tripped my cliche meter. "Ruby lips" immediately made me think of Jimmie Rodgers' "Blue Yodel #4," although I realize that's a pretty obscure song and most other listeners aren't likely to make that same connection. Still, "ruby" and "golden" seem a bit trite, so I'm wondering if you can come up with better synonyms for red and yellow.

 

The second verse begins with a first person point of view and then ends with a third person point of view. I was still thinking in a first person mode when I got to the third person pov in the last line. That shift threw me off the first time I read it. I'm wondering if you could just drop the "I love" from the first line and do the whole verse in third person. Hey, isn't that personification?;)

 

For the second line in the last verse, you might try another bird. Skylark makes me think of a Buick. Sparrows? Buntings? Cardinals? I don't know. Probably doesn't address the problem you're trying to fix.

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Edit: Sorry, I may have gotten the number wrong on the Jimmie Rodgers blue yodel song. Anyway, I was thinking of a cover version done by the Johnson Mountain Boys in the 1980s. The verse goes like this:

 

She's got eyes like a diamond

And her teeth shine just the same

She's got eyes like diamonds and her teeth shine just the same

She's got two ruby lips and hair like a horse's mane

 

Anyhoo...probably more than you wanted to know.

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I love the 2nd draft. At first it felt more... removed than the 1st. So I had to put the 1st out of my mind and just go in virgin. The 2nd is great.

 

But I think you're right in questioning that last verse. First off, "but not for me"? Are you sure you want to quote Ira here? As a quote, it doesn't do much. As an oversight, it's a big one. I'd change it. It doesn't have the nuance a good quote should have. "Spring has sprung"? Once again, it almost works on the level that says , "Yeah, I know it's cliche but it works!" Except I don't think it really does work. Blaze new territory here. Get fresh. I mean, I like the slylarks unwinding. That's fresh and new.

 

Anyway, I love the new draft. It has a subtle, clever juxtaposition between your steady state of summer (and why) and the external realties of the current season. I love that. Really well done. Just tighten up the cliches in the that last...

 

 

Now spring has sprung and everything is green,

and skylarks sing just to unwind.

The world is blossoming, but not for me.

It

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