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Forever Free - looking for your input before I finalize this


lynn51

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I've been working on this song since Thanksgiving, and it's finally starting to take shape. It's just a fun song about a happy couple. It has a few cliches and some near rhymes, but it's not intended to be Shakespeare. I'm curious to know what you all think, and I take suggestions seriously. Here are the lyrics:

 

 

When you rub two sticks together

They say that you get fire

If you put us in the same room

You couldn't get much higher

We are the ones who want to make a difference

We are the ones who pay

We are the ones who want to make connections

We are the ones who stay

When we put our heads together

There'll be no mistake

We can't have it any better

The future's ours to make

 

REFRAIN:

We're at a moment in time

Only we exist

We're at the end of the line

We're so hard to miss

 

Some things just can't be done alone

It's always better with a friend

And, if we have to stay at home

The world's not gonna end

We are the ones who are always making changes

We are the ones who drive

We are the ones who are always going places

We are the ones alive

 

REFRAIN (2x's)

 

If you're looking for adventure

There's no better place to be

You can find us in the backyard

Underneath a tree

We are the ones who are always looking forward

We are the ones who see

We are the ones who will never take for granted

We are forever free

 

It can be found here: Forever Free at www.soundclick.com/lynnwilson. Just scroll down past the video, and it's at the top of the song list. Thanks in advance for listening.

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Very cool. I'm loving the repeated "We are the ones...". That's neat. I love how the title is missing until the very end, and with the repetition of 'we are the ones" then finaly...

 

We are forever free

 

That's really cool. A couple of observations. I believe your point is that you've got it all when you're together. And the things that some might deem too simple, too ordinary, are in fact the world, moon and stars to you. Together, you can create a world of your own that is beautiful. Powerful even!

 

Something like that?

 

I like to sum up my message like that so I can see if everything is really sticking with that point. Or is reacting to it, or consciously ignoring. But never not being aware of it. So, there are a couple lines that feel like they aren't supporting that idea.

 

We are the ones who pay

 

This could mean a lot of things, and things that fully support your message. But I don't think in this taught phrase, you're communicating anything in support of your message. Or anything that ties with the rest. I'd look closer at that line.

 

Then, actually moving backward, the opening 4 lines are cool. Almost. :) It doesn't have the complete logic that a cool couplet like this is needing. Almost though.

 

When you rub two sticks together

They say that you get fire

If you put us in the same room

You couldn't get much higher

 

^ you guys burn hotter or brighter than fire. Or something. You set up the fire nicely with that cool sticks image. Rub sticks, get fire. Then you drop it. So you guys are the sticks, right? So I really dig the 3rd line. Nice way of saying "if you rub us together" which would be kind of cheesy. You solve the issue with a nice image and a great line. Nice. So I guess what feels like the let down here... is that 4th line.

 

Higher? It's gotta be something with brightness or heat. Right? You're changing the metaphor. You're being compared to fire, not soaring birds like the "higher" suggests. I'd work on that. It doesn't have to be obvious, it just needs to relate in some manner to fire.

 

We're at a moment in time

Only we exist

We're at the end of the line

We're so hard to miss

 

You guys don't sound like you're at the end of the line. This contradicts the feeling you've set up so well so far. End of the line? Hell no, baby. This is the freaking beginning! I'd clean that up. The first 2 line of that refrain are great. Don't take your foot off the gas just yet. Complete that peak of emotion. Not the end of the line.

 

I think your 2nd verse is great. But you do have 1 small contradiction here as well.

 

Some things just can't be done alone

It's always better with a friend

And, if we have to stay at home

The world's not gonna end

We are the ones who are always making changes

We are the ones who drive

We are the ones who are always going places

We are the ones alive

 

Of course, I do understand that "always going places" and "IF we have to stay home" actually do work together. But it confuses slightly. It's a little too nuanced of a point. Either you go places or you live large at home. I'd choose the home route and help make things crystal clear.

 

Because your last verse is awesome. You encapsulate your message with a nice rhythmic attack that stands in the face of naysayers with an "it's our life so back off" sort of "you and me against the world" vibe. Stay with that slant and I think you'll have a more irresistible and focused drive in your lyric.

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I like the message in the song, and I especially like that it's very open to the listener's interpretation. Whether you are from Occupy America or attending a Tea Party convention (those in the USA will know what these entities are...).. you could listen to this song and think it was written about you and your cause. That's pretty click.

 

There's much i like musically about this, but the one synth sound (sounds like wa wa wa wa) that is punctuating nearly every line only half works for me. I can understand the need for that punctuation, at least at times. But I don't think it's quite the right sound. I guess it sounds, as best I can describe it, as "cartoonish". I wish I had a suggestion for you, but the feeling about that was reinforced on the 2nd listen.

 

This are my thoughts. Like the music overall.

 

Rick

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Thanks for your replies. I've been busy with family matters the last few days, or I would have responded sooner. You have given me some things to ponder, and I will do so when I can. I was mainly interested in your thoughts on the words, and you've given me some good ideas. @rikidoo- you very accurately identified the vibe I was going for with the synth. For some reason, I had Frank Zappa in my mind.

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