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Beneath the Ash - is there anything here?


Oswlek

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Crafted these lyrics a while back with a pass through here, but haven't gotten around to uploading a demo. I'm not exactly a love song guy, so it is hard to know whether I have something or not. I do like the key changes and the bridge, but I'm unsure about the verses both melodically and lyrically.

 

Here is the demo. As always, it is a live camera recorded take so please ignore the intination issues.

 

http://picosong.com/wsQx

 

 

V1

Take this sweet love of mine

This frail and undefined


B1

I've put my faith in you


V2

Peering behind the mask

Buried beneath ash


B2

I'm scared of what you see

Scared of what we'll be

Care to dance with me?


V3

Taken aback by you

You stole the only word I knew


B3

There's no breaking stride

If it takes all night

Take this love of mine


Int

Here I go


B4

There's no breaking stride

If it takes all night

Take this frail undefined

Love of mine


Int

Here I go


Destiny finds you here X2

 

 

Thanks for any and all help.

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Quite beautiful. The guitar is reminiscent of James Taylor. Not a copy. Just beautifully played like him. You and James together on the stage, now that would be a show.

 

Verse melody and the follow on bridges are stunning. I am not just blowing smoke. The melody-o-detection-meter in my head is breaking a counter spring (in a good way). I listen to a lot of songs on this board and one other and this is one of the best slow-song melodies I have heard.

 

The one thing that is not working for me is the interlude. Especially the first one. It doesn't marry well to the verses. I think that one needs to be rethought. You have such a beautiful verse/bridge structure, then the interlude (especially the first one...) feels plugged in, out of place.

 

The ending lyric line, and it's melody, destiny finds you here is also stunning. Most of the time songwriters are hard pressed enough to have a strong starting line; you have one fore and aft. I need to be honest, the beautiful way you ended this song has been mentally filled away into my way cool music file.

 

Rick

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Thanks Rick. That is funny, you love the stuff I am most ambivalent about and are ambivalent about what I thought was the strongest. :lol:

 

I'll have to pay attention to the transition, especially in this take to see if it is a performance issue or a song issue.

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Yeah...I think you need to work on the transitions a little.....kind of boil the whole song down a bit more.

 

I love all of the excellent musical variations that you have deployed in this demo. Perhaps your challenge will be to craft something that strategically uses all of them in condensed form.

 

Love the chances that you take with your voice on this....very compelling.

 

I also struggled with this phrasing..

 

There's no breaking stride

If it takes all night

Take this love of mine

 

It was not quite as smooth as it could be....something....

 

Good love song.:wave::cool:

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Yeah...I think you need to work on the transitions a little.....kind of boil the whole song down a bit more.


I love all of the excellent musical variations that you have deployed in this demo. Perhaps your challenge will be to craft something that strategically uses all of them in condensed form.


Love the chances that you take with your voice on this....very compelling.


I also struggled with this phrasing..


There's no breaking stride

If it takes all night

Take this love of mine


It was not quite as smooth as it could be....something....


Good love song.
:wave::cool:

 

Do you mean trim things or just smooth them out?

 

The bridge you mentioned, is that the first time around or the second? Which parts felt funny.

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Regarding the bridge...the first time.

 

Regarding the other......The song is long as it is and all of those excellent musical interludes seem to make it so. If you could somehow condense those wonderful changes into a more cohesive package......one that flows a bit better, it would make for an amazing song.

 

Seriously.

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Regarding the bridge...the first time.


Regarding the other......The song is long as it is and all of those excellent musical interludes seem to make it so. If you could somehow condense those wonderful changes into a more cohesive package......one that flows a bit better, it would make for an amazing song.


Seriously.

 

Sorry, still not getting your gist. :facepalm:

 

Are you saying parts should be cut out? Or keep everything and smooth the rough edges?

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I'm saying that I love the way you play all of those changes. Good playing and very enjoyable. But.......they take too much room up in the context of the song.

 

Not sure about how, but if you could get some of those changes into the song with fewer obvious direction changes for the song, it would be a good thing. Maybe fewer pauses (did I just say that?)

 

Sorry for my less than succinct.....ness.

 

I just love what you did with that demo and I'm trying to think of how to condense that into something that flows better.

 

I'll listen again in a bit and see if I can be more direct.:wave:

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I also struggled with this phrasing..


There's no breaking stride

If it takes all night

Take this love of mine

 

After listening to this take about 30 times the past few days, this part keeps ringing out as my favorite in the entire song. :facepalm:

 

I think I can do some stuff to make the song grow and progress more smoothly. I'm thinking an "On the turning away" open where it is just a sustained hum under the first verse, then the guitar comes in picked and then finally strummed. Right now, there is no growth between the first and second.

 

I'm also thinking some horns in the interlude, trumpets. Not sure how to ease the transition from bridge to interlude, but something tells me the off key singing is what rubs you guys the wrong way.

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Musically it's wonderful. But there are some things that bother me. I wasn't hot on the second instrumental. i thought the song was nicely over, then you launched into something else that took away from the conclusiveness.

 

And then, I'd say there are some elements lyrically that bother me. The breaking stride, and takes all night are metaphors that are inconsistent with each other. You don't run races in the night. And the whole idea of "If it takes all night" is a tired overused phrase. Everything else leading up to it is fresh and interesting. Frail and undefined is very fresh and nice.

 

Also peering behind the mask, and buried beneath the ash are also incongruous. But they are nice fresh images, and they are engaging enough that I don't care so much that they aren't tied together in any way.

 

But I'm left searching for some understanding that hasn't been offered to me.

 

You know I'm a storyline guy. I like some tangible frame of reference for the listener to hang his hat on. And I feel like it is always out of my grasp on this. That frustrates me a little as a listener. I say this, not as a criticism, because many smart people here would argue differently than I. But I have to call them as I see them.

 

I love your music and your emotion and your presentation. I'd just like that other insightful piece of the puzzle to be there before I offer to have you baby.

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The story is essentially about a person who is afraid of a deeper committment for some reason. "Frail and undefined" is meant to imply how weak and unsure he is, tentative. V2 and B2 also convey this, though you can see the first sign of progress "care to dance with me?".

 

The interludes are supposed to convey a surge ahead, both melodically and lyrically "here I go"

 

V3 is the weak link as it doesn't further the story nor does it shed any light on what the interludes are saying. I think if I address that things will click into place. Ideas for those two lines would be greatly appreciated.

 

I do have to admit to being surprised at how poorly the interludes resonate with everyone. I kind of thought the song was a little boring and needed a charge to keep it from feeling too consistent, but it is that charge that rubs people the wrong way. I'm trying to move on from that but to no avail ATM.

 

Where would you have ended it, Marshall? Before B4? End on B4?

 

Edit: I understand what you are saying about "if it takes all night", but that just flows so well. I'll defintely keep an ear out for something better now that I see a reason to do so.

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I was thinking after B4. I thought the first instrumental was a nice soar (as opposed to a bad sore ;) )

 

But I don't have any sacred stash of truth. Your impression is as good as mine. And you're in the driver's seat.

 

Sometimes the old adage about too many cooks is very valid. Many times we all contradict each other anyway. So, sift through what we say, and decide what's makes sense for you and what doesn't.

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