Jump to content

Home


dramey

Recommended Posts

  • Members

As a perpetually single guy, I'm not sure where all these relationship songs come from, but I sure do write a lot of them. I've had this one bouncing around in my head for years now, but it still isn't quite there yet.

 

For one, I'm not exactly sure how she can smell whiskey on him, when he hasn't been drinking. Nor can I figure out any way to fit a 3rd chorus in. I hate when choruses are forced in when they no longer make sense in the context of the song, so I will probably just stick with the 2.

 

I guess I need to record what I have, and figure out how to make it work from there. I hate starting another one, with the backlog I already have though :).

 

Home

 

Driving home on a Sunday morning

my eyes are heavy but my heart is humming

I am home

 

I creep through the front door quiet as a thief

it

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Good heart-wrenching story.

 

1) The drinking stanza could be made to fit: "I frown for a moment, it turns to a smile/ Not because I've been drinking/ I just wanted to see you for a little while/...

Although it's not clear who the "you" is...maybe "them?"

 

2) The "you smell like whiskey" stanza seems to be coming from the little daughter, which is a really strange image. I know you probably mean for it to be coming from the wife, but it needs some sort of transition to make that clear.

 

3) A third chorus could work if you change the last two lines to "Why did I come home?/ Where I'm not welcome

 

I'm also looking forward to the music. Good work.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

 

Good heart-wrenching story.


1) The drinking stanza could be made to fit: "I frown for a moment, it turns to a smile/ Not because I've been drinking/ I just wanted to see you for a little while/...

Although it's not clear who the "you" is...maybe "them?"


2) The "you smell like whiskey" stanza seems to be coming from the little daughter, which is a really strange image. I know you probably mean for it to be coming from the wife, but it needs some sort of transition to make that clear.


3) A third chorus could work if you change the last two lines to "Why did I come home?/ Where I'm not welcome


I'm also looking forward to the music. Good work.

 

 

+1

 

How about replacing "humming" with "soaring" in the second line. That is a closer approximation of a rhyme for "morning"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

Cool lyric. I love the flannel/shopping channel, your two teeter-totter "my heart is heavy" and their different answers, empty bottle and slamming doors is great, the hungry dog. Really great images and word play to make them sing.

 

You could clear up the smelling nonexistent whiskey issue by having her smell cigarettes and her making association assumptions.

 

 

She says, you smell like bar cigarettes, you reek of sin

bet you

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

"Soaring" doesn't sing as well for whatever reason. It was a good suggestion though.

 

I did a quick and dirty recording of it last night, but it's to embarrassing to post. I will play with it some today and see if I cant whip it in to a little better shape. I'm still not sure if I want to make it a full production, or a simple little acoustic song. I guess I will play it by ear.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

"Soaring" doesn't sing as well for whatever reason. It was a good suggestion though.


I did a quick and dirty recording of it last night, but it's to embarrassing to post. I will play with it some today and see if I cant whip it in to a little better shape. I'm still not sure if I want to make it a full production, or a simple little acoustic song. I guess I will play it by ear.

 

Lee is probably right anyway, about humming being a better fit for the theme. Thanks for giving it a try, though! :thu:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Take 2, and this time with a very rough, poorly played, sung, comped together and mixed demo. The big change is the verse I added at the end. I wasn't sure about that one until I sung it, and I think it worked.

 

Home

 

 

 

Driving home on a Sunday morning

my eyes are heavy but my heart is humming

I am home

 

I creep through the front door quiet as a thief

it

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

This is a terrific vignette, with nice guitar and vocal.

 

I got confused at the end though. I had the feeling that the couple had separated, that he had mistakenly come home drunk where he was no longer welcome. So when you repeated the "driving home on a Sunday morning" line, I thought he was going back to where he lived, in a rundown one bedroom with peeling paint, etc. That was a huge disconnect for me.

 

Also, I wouldn't advise keeping that line about the dog only being hungry and not really happy to see you. Dogs -- or most dogs, anyway, except those who've been abused -- are always happy to see us. (The ones who've been abused are even happier to see us as long as we're not the ones that abused them...) So that really took me out of the reality of the story. In fact, the dog being happy to see you was, for me, the most genuine moment in the song, so I was pissed when you ruined that moment for me.

 

But again, nice idea, nice guitar and voice, and just a terrific song-in-progress.

 

LCK

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

 

I got confused at the end though. I had the feeling that the couple had separated, that he had mistakenly come home drunk where he was no longer welcome. So when you repeated the "driving home on a Sunday morning" line, I thought he was going back to where he lived, in a rundown one bedroom with peeling paint, etc. That was a huge disconnect for me.

 

 

I think you got it right. In the first line he is driving to his old home, his next drive home is to his current home which happens to be a run down shack, because his wife got the house.

 

 

Dogs -- or most dogs, anyway, except those who've been abused -- are always happy to see us.

 

 

Well, I didn't say the dog wasn't happy to see him, just that he "thought" she might just be hungry. After getting chased off by his ex and coming home to his crap apartment, he just assumes that the dog isn't on his side either. I see him as in a funk, that he only breaks out of when he realizes he pulled off his little deception to see his family.

 

That said, I am not a dog person. I install floors. Dogs piss on floors. I'm not a fan on general principle.

 

I've been debating keeping this song simple, but I just added a bass line and am hearing strings in my head. I'm going to hit it hard this weekend and see what happens.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

 

I didn't say the dog wasn't happy to see him, just that he "thought" she might just be hungry. After getting chased off by his ex and coming home to his crap apartment, he just assumes that the dog isn't on his side either.

 

 

Yeah, I would see that as an opportunity for something like, "At least someone still cares about me..."

 

LCK

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Take 2, and this time with a very rough, poorly played, sung, comped together and mixed demo. The big change is the verse I added at the end. I wasn't sure about that one until I sung it, and I think it worked.


Home

 

Sounds pretty good to me - I wish I could perform a demo that well.

 

It's a great story and it has a great musical vibe.

 

I'm still not sold on the transition between the "son and daughter" verse and the "whiskey and sin" verse - I still have to think about it to get that the latter is coming from the wife and not the daughter. Maybe if you refer to the wife as "you" instead of "she" the first time she is mentioned, it would establish the second person reference and I would get that "you" is the wife the next time you use that pronoun.

 

There were several spots where the syllables were not flowing well over the music, and I would not have caught some of the words had I not been reading along. It may be just a performance issue rather than a writing issue. However, it's probably worthwhile trying to get that right, because this is a story song, so the listener really needs to hear all of the lyrics to get the maximum impact.

 

Great work overall. :thu:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

 

I'm still not sold on the transition between the "son and daughter" verse and the "whiskey and sin" verse - I still have to think about it to get that the latter is coming from the wife and not the daughter. Maybe if you refer to the wife as "you" instead of "she" the first time she is mentioned, it would establish the second person reference and I would get that "you" is the wife the next time you use that pronoun.


 

 

I tried that in one of the vocal takes, and didn't like it. A good part of that was the fact that I was stumbling on those words because I'm not used to singing it that way. I may give it another go today when I record it for real.

 

 

There were several spots where the syllables were not flowing well over the music, and I would not have caught some of the words had I not been reading along. It may be just a performance issue rather than a writing issue. However, it's probably worthwhile trying to get that right, because this is a story song, so the listener really needs to hear all of the lyrics to get the maximum impact.

 

 

Yeah, I hear it too. I have a crap sence of time, and don't enunciate well when I sing. It usually takes a whole lot of vocal tracks before I can piece together something I am happy with.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Ok, I did a quick and dirty fleshed out version. I havent changed a thing on the acoustic or vocal yet. Now all I have to do is record everything over again. I'm really starting to like this song though. I've had it stuck in my head so long that I had become bored with it before I even got around to finishing it.

 

Home (take 2)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 1 month later...
  • Members

 

I think I'm about ready to call this one done. I keep going back and forth on the electric guitar. I'd like to replace it with a piano, but I don't play. I even picked up EZ Keys, but I'm not able to make it work in the context of the song.


 

 

Hell of a performance, but I still feel like LCK was on to something with this statement:

 

 

Yeah, I would see that as an opportunity for something like, "At least someone still cares about me..."

 

 

That would be a much more powerful sentiment than "she's just hungry". I also think the vocal stays too much in the same range throughout, I keep wanting there to be some variation to punctuate parts of the song.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

 

Hell of a performance, but I still feel like LCK was on to something with this statement:


Yeah, I would see that as an opportunity for something like, "At least someone still cares about me..."

 

 

I've played with that some, but I haven't come up with anything that works for me.

 

 

I also think the vocal stays too much in the same range throughout, I keep wanting there to be some variation to punctuate parts of the song.

 

 

I agree. I just haven't been able to do any better. I think my spring allergies have sprung early and messed up my voice.

 

 

dramey that was incredible!!! In all seriousness I aspire to write, play, and sing as well as you. I'm deepley moved, that was amazing!!

 

 

Ah shucks. I wish I could sing and play as well myself, sadly it is a lot of smoke, mirrors and comped together takes.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...