Jump to content

Rough vid - first part of a new song


stickboymusic

Recommended Posts

  • Members

Hello again

 

I'm feeling back in song mode so i need to keep hounding you guys! (sorry)

 

This one just popped out

 

This is one i will definitely be keeping sparse - its only a couple of verses and a chorus so far but id like any input on whether its taking a good direction or already needs work before progressing - i know its working on some level as it makes me feel sad when i play it :(

 

Right the wrong.

 

If you're dying to be

caught by the wind

caught by the sea

then i'll be permanently

at your side

 

We will set our sails high

raise the anchor wave goodbye

to all the people left behind

I guess you tried

 

You've been running for too long

I'll right the wrong

I'll right the wrong

Be steady and be strong

I'll right the wrong

 

[video=youtube;yn94JQSMqWQ]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yn94JQSMqWQ

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

You have a lot of water and boating themes in your music. Did you grow up by the water?

 

It's beautiful. Suggestion:

 

You've been running for too long

I'll sing this song

I'll right the wrong

Be steady and be strong

I'll right the wrong

 

Just thought there might have been too many I'll right the wrongs.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

 

You have a lot of water and boating themes in your music. Did you grow up by the water?


It's beautiful. Suggestion:


You've been running for too long

I'll sing this song

I'll right the wrong

Be steady and be strong

I'll right the wrong


Just thought there might have been too many I'll right the wrongs.

 

 

It's funny you should say that , i truely only feel happy when by the water.

 

I did consider a "song" rhyme but decided to leave it out - im think maybe a quiet harmony on the repeat just to give it some distance?

 

will keep youre idea and see how the recording sounds

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

If you're dying to be | caught by the wind | caught by the sea

then i'll be permanently at your side

 

We will set our sails high | raise the anchor wave goodbye | to all the people left behind

I guess you tried

 

You've been running for too long

I'll right the wrong

I'll right the wrong

Be steady and be strong

I'll right the wrong

 

.... starting from "I guess you tried and onto the last verse... I'm not connecting with it. It's probably just me. Is it suppose to be taken literally? Or metaphorically, and if so, I can't seem to connect it with the first half of the song...?

 

It's probably just me... sometimes I don't get things that other people do.

 

Love the tune and the overall emotion of the song.

 

PS: I love the "sing the song" thing that bee3 suggested.

 

I know you are thinking about keeping this song short, and that is fine. But it really has potential to weave an interesting story. Thinking after the first 2 verses you could drop back to the back story, where we can get a sense of what the issue/wrong thing came from Just a thought.

 

Rick

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Very good again. I love your video style; black and while; simple point source light. Simple backdrop. Works very well.

 

You follow the pensive guitarplayer's songwriting style, where the instrument starts the phrase and the voice comes in a beat or two later. The hesitation gives poignancy to the words. But it can create a halting style when used throughout a song. But on the whole you work it well.

 

The chorus bothered me a little. Not bothered, so much, as didn't deliver on emotional rise. I listened again and realized, it's the hesitation that you had when starting the chorus. It doesn't work as well on a chorus. I realize it's a work-in-progress, and you probably were searching for the words, and wouldn't perform/record it that way in a final draft. (But I gotta say what pops in my head). By the second line, though, with the "I'll right the wrongs" you're in a more commanding forward vocal position in your phrases. And that has a nice resolutiony/chorusy feel to it. (So, just be aware of your phrasing and how it gives cues to the listener).

 

Good work again all around.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Heres a really rough demo of where im up to structure wise


i was going to go ahead and make this into a full song but i dunno.... i lost interest


is this working as an idea or is it resigned to the scrap heap!?!


http://soundcloud.com/stickboy/right-the-wrong-rough-demo

 

Who's scrap heap? Mine? {censored} no. Your might be littered with stuff this good, though. :idk:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

 

Is that a "keep at it" then?


obviously needs recording better...thinking of bringing some light touches in after first chorus.... maybe something slight on verse 2


who knows

 

 

Yes, keep at it. I love the extended "wrooooooonnnnnngggg" at the end and I'd use that as a way to say goodbye. Don't go back into "been runnin'" at 2:41, just go through that extended part on the guitar again and shut her down. Otherwise you start telling us stuff we already knew and diminish the impact of that cool change.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

No! Don't ditch! I think this is great.

 

I'll tell you where I think there's an issue with an easy fix. Each 3rd line of each verse. The melody makes a mild attempt to offer a variation but it's not enough. That line, I believe, needs to have a whole different shape melodically. Lower in pitch, going in a different direction? Something that is entirely different than the previous 2 lines.

 

As it stand now, there is very little variation. That totally works on a lot of stuff, but not here. For me. There's a certain poignancy in those 1st 2 lines. But they are still questions. The 3rd seems to want to offer the answer. Lyrically it does The resolution. If you this... then I'll be this. The question is setting up an sanswer. The melody right now does not support your lyric answer:

 

If you're dying to be (love the sound of this line. Your voice seems to have this calm wisdom)

 

caught by the wind ,caught by the sea (an answer to the unfinished 1st phrase, still works great)

 

then i'll be permanently (OK, you vary here, but not enough. Permanently. That's a pretty big word. No, I don't think you want to be soaring here with silly histrionics. Just the opposite. A lower pitch phrase that is distinct from the 2 previous. That says, "I am a rock". Permanently.)

 

at your side (something lower her too. To suggest the calm control you offer. You are a rock. Mild but certain.)

 

 

So I think the issue is really in letting the melody drive this very cool idea you have a little closer to home. Keep at it. It sounds great.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hmmm... I have no problem whatsoever with how it is written or sung now. I love it. I think you could add some variation with a very light piano part weaving in and out... that's it. Guitar and piano... that would be sweet.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...