Jump to content

Rough video - a FULL song (help please?)


stickboymusic

Recommended Posts

  • Members

Hello

 

I know ive been doing bits of songs but a pretty much full one just popped out.

 

The video is pretty rough... i know i can tweak the melody a little... and sort the playing out but i just wanted ot get the idea down

 

Looking for any input on lyrics... please

 

You don't look at me that way no more.

 

You don't look at me that way no more

you stopped wearing the perfume that I bought

ever since i hesitated

when you asked who I adore

You don't look at me that way no more

 

You don't look at me that way no more

seems we lost some of that old rapport

you're always busy washing dishes

whilst im shuffling round the floor

You don't look at me that way no more

 

Well I'm often sat here wonderin'

what this whole damn thing was for

You don't look at me that way no more

 

You don't look at me that way no more

every conversation's a chance to score

you didnt seem to notice

your favourite shirt I wore

You don't look at me that way no more

 

Well I'm often sat here wonderin'

what this whole damn thing was for

You don't look at me that way no more

 

 

You don't look at me that way no more

I even found your ring inside the drawer

I guess this is goodbye

I'll feed the dog, then shut the door

You don't look at me that way no more

 

Well I'm often sat here wonderin'

what this whole damn mess was for

You don't look at me that way no more

 

You don't look at me that way no more

You don't look at me

Honey can't you see

You don't look at me that way no more

 

[video=youtube;cFKQ8GsP3h8]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cFKQ8GsP3h8

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Replies 53
  • Created
  • Last Reply
  • Moderators

Got a little Dylan happening.

 

You hesitated. Of course she doesn't look at you that way anymore! :)

 

ever since i hesitated

when you asked who I adore

You don't look at me that way no more

 

This feels like you started the idea about him starting to lose interest... then you forgot about it. I'd incorporate that more.

 

Ever since my interest wasn't, what it was before

You don't look at me that way any anymore

 

I wasn't gonna leave you, I was just looking out the door

Now you don't look at me that way any anymore

 

Crackers in bed, I've even started to snore

Now you don't look at me that way any anymore

 

I've stopped shaving, always wondered "what for"

Now you don't look at me that way any anymore

 

Watching tele over your shoulder, while we make love on the floor

Now you don't look at me that way any anymore

 

I returned with only one Flake Bar, while down the corner store

Now you don't look at me that way any anymore

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

...they take the song into an 'in-yer-face' approach.

 

Yeah, it does change the tone. And the inyoface issue is just cause they're my lines and I can be an insensitive prick. :). Stick's would have the appropriate tone. So, I only mention it because the song suggested a direction with "ever since I hesitated", then it changed to its true course, abandoning the initial idea. I kind of think the original direction is more interesting.

 

Right now the synopsis is: She's losing interest. That cool. But... there is no slant, twist, or even unique situation. Though it felt at first there was going to be.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

And the inyoface issue is just cause they're my lines and I can be an insensitive prick.
:)
.

 

Nah - I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that you are not as the above stated.

'Mericans and Brits are just different. You guys tend towards being more open and obvious. Brits tend towards, nuance, subtlety, irony, to the point of being oblique.

We drive the Dutch and the Israelis nuts, because they are the polar opposite. We find them incredibly blunt, and they don't know what we mean half of the time.

It's the biblical tower of Babel, but with temperament difference rather than language difference.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

 

I like Stick's approach - it's a bit of a down-home version of Paul Simon's 'Dangling Conversation'.


Lee - your lines are good, but they take the song into an 'in-yer-face' approach.


What sayeth Stick?

 

 

Yeh - love your ideas Lee but it wasnt really where i was going

 

Maybe i should say "was it since i hesitated when you asked who i adore?" that way im not certain that kicked it off?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

 

I'm wondering what's up with the grammatical construction of the line "well, I'm often sat here wonderin'." Should be "I've often sat here wonderin'" or "I often sit here wonderin'." Or am I missing something?

 

 

hmm i guess it was real time

 

like im often sat HERE wondering.. im always sat here...in this place...wondering

 

i could say "i often sit here wondering"

 

i think they both work - may go with that if its not clear

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hey Stick - if you've grown up in the north, then there are probably many turns of phrase that you use that are everyday northern speech, but they appear grammatically incorrect to an outsider.

I have Yorkshire and Lancashire friends, so I'm used to their local ways.

 

"Well I'm often sat here wonderin'" is a perfectly North of England way of saying it.

It has its own charm, and sounds better than the BBC grammatically correct, "I often sit here wondering".

 

Just as old southern blues has its own charm with lines like, "My baby's done gone left me", I think you should express yourself in what comes naturally to you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

 

Hey Stick - if you've grown up in the north, then there are probably many turns of phrase that you use that are everyday northern speech, but they appear grammatically incorrect to an outsider.

I have Yorkshire and Lancashire friends, so I'm used to their local ways.


"Well I'm often sat here wonderin'" is a perfectly North of England way of saying it.

It has its own charm, and sounds better than the BBC grammatically correct, "I often sit here wondering".


Just as old southern blues has its own charm with lines like, "My baby's done gone left me", I think you should express yourself in what comes naturally to you.

 

 

I'll go with it then - wasn't really causing me any concern

 

Thank you!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Now with the slight alts - anything else jumping out before i record?

 

You don't look at me that way no more.

 

You don't look at me that way no more

you stopped wearing the perfume that I bought

was it since i hesitated

when you asked who I adore

You don't look at me that way no more

 

You don't look at me that way no more

seems we lost some of that old rapport

you're always busy washing dishes

whilst im shuffling round the floor

You don't look at me that way no more

 

Well I'm often sat here wonderin'

what this whole damn thing is for

You don't look at me that way no more

 

You don't look at me that way no more

every conversation's a chance to score

you didnt even notice

your favourite shirt I wore

You don't look at me that way no more

 

Well I'm often sat here wonderin'

what this whole damn thing is for

You don't look at me that way no more

 

 

You don't look at me that way no more

I even found your ring inside the drawer

I guess this is goodbye

I'll feed the dog, then shut the door

You don't look at me that way no more

 

Well I'm often sat here wonderin'

what this whole damn mess was for

You don't look at me that way no more

 

You don't look at me that way no more

You don't look at me

Honey can't you see

You don't look at me that way no more

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I like the lyric a lot - the overall idea and how it's expressed, but there are 2 lines that I'm not that keen on.

 

I guess this is goodbye

I'll feed the dog, then shut the door

 

These lines bring closure to the song, whereas the chorus keeps it open-ended and unresolved, which I think is the main theme of the song.

I think we should be left wondering what the whole damn mess was for.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

 

I like the lyric a lot - the overall idea and how it's expressed, but there are 2 lines that I'm not that keen on.


I guess this is goodbye

I'll feed the dog, then shut the door


These lines bring closure to the song, whereas the chorus keeps it open-ended and unresolved, which I think is the main theme of the song.

I think we should be left wondering what the whole damn mess was for.

 

 

hmmm interesting - i actually quite like the closure...but still knowing he is needed in some way

 

was gonna break the song back down at this part

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Some thoughts.

 

1) I'm not a big fan of the "chance to score". I suppose you mean to dig into each other, but the sexual implications of the line made it stand out to me. In my mind it went "leaves us bitter and sore".

 

2) I like the rise on the second line of each verse, but I hope you do that occassionally as a high harmony rather than just leaping up. Or, perhaps leap up but with a low harmony.

 

3) Along that same idea, you should consider staying low on the second verse line off the interlude "I even found your ring". Offer a mild bit of change to bring the song down after the harp and also to punctuate the importance of that line.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

"I'm often sat her wonderin'..." At first I was, "What?" But with the north of England thing, it works.

 

One line jumped out at me "you didn't even notice the favorite shirt I wore."

 

For some reason that took me out of the song for a moment.

 

It's probably not a big deal, but to me it didn't gibe somehow with the tone of the song.

 

LCK

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

 


One line jumped out at me "you didn't even notice the favorite shirt I wore."


For some reason that took me out of the song for a moment.


It's probably not a big deal, but to me it didn't gibe somehow with the tone of the song.


LCK

 

It resonated with me... probably because I'm sitting here wearing my favorite shirt... and my wife notices it EVERYTIME I wear it, which is all the time. She's quite tired of it I suppose... that said, the day she doesn't notice that I'm wearing it is the day I start to worry.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Ooooh. VERY cool. I only listened and haven't read everybody's comments. So I may repeat what's already said (or come out of left-field [can a Brit understand a baseball analogy?]). But I think it's close to perfect. My only suggestion is on your repeats at the end; I'd like to hear some remorse on the part of the protagonist. Some feeling sorry for what is lost. Some ache over the mistake.

 

But in general it hits the target dead on for how relationships loose their drive and turn sour.

 

Excellente'.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.


×
×
  • Create New...