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Lyric problems - 'Silk Dress & Straw Hat'


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Silk Dress & Straw Hat (music)

 

I don't know about these lyrics. Any advice or criticism welcome.

The music will be re-arranged elsewhere. But I think it's actually ok now. It's the lyrics I don't know about.

 

They follow the melody of the song.

 

Silk Dress & Straw Hat

 

(Verse)

 

Love lifts the ocean,

Pulls it toward the moon;

Wearing a silk dress and straw hat

Love arrives on a late afternoon

 

(Verse)

 

Undertow of moonlight,

Draws men to their doom,

A song I hear in your laughter,

The fragrance of your perfume;

 

(Bridge)

 

Joy is the end of desire

Joy is the death of despair

You have set my dreams on fire

With desire that will always be there

 

(Verse)

 

Love lifts the ocean

Pulls it toward the moon

Wearing a silk dress and straw hat

Love arrives on a late afternoon

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I like the backing track. But without a vocal it's hard to comment on how the lyrics work.

 

The only thing that sticks out is that your first verse is about the moon's pull on the ocean and the second verse starts with "undertow of moonlight." There's a fine line between doing a variation on a theme and repeating yourself. So if I were you I'd probably re-think the second verse.

 

LCK

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Thanks. Right now, I'm only happy with the title.

 

Dunno what I'll do. The instrumental tracks are going to be re-arranged and recorded by someone else.

 

I want to salute my 1990 Kawai K1 string pad though.

I've used it for 22 years & it has never failed to improve my clumsy efforts.

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I like the backing track. But without a vocal it's hard to comment on how the lyrics work.


The only thing that sticks out is that your first verse is about the moon's pull on the ocean and the second verse starts with "undertow of moonlight." There's a fine line between doing a variation on a theme and repeating yourself. So if I were you I'd probably re-think the second verse.


LCK

 

 

I like "Undertow of moonlight" but I see what you are saying.

 

What if you started out the second verse with

 

"under the tow of moonlight"

 

You get the reference to undertow without repeating what you've said in the first verse. Now it is the moonlight that is pulling these guys along.

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Thanks for the ideas.

 

Still playing with it. I've thought about LCK's critique.

 

--

 

VERSE

 

Love lifts the ocean

Moves it toward the moon

Wearing a silk dress and straw hat

Love shows up in the late afternoon

 

VERSE 2

 

Undertow of midnight

Draws men to their doom

She wore a silk dress and straw hat

But I can't recall her perfume

 

BRIDGE

 

Joy is the end of desire;

Joy is the death of despair;

She has set my dreams on fire

Now desire will always be there

 

VERSE 3

 

Love lifts the ocean

Moves it toward the moon,

Wearing a silk dress and straw hat,

Love arrives in the late afternoon

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Yeah Oswlek. You're right.

 

I think it is the bridge that is bothering me most.

Your comment made me think about it.

 

Maybe I will go with,

 

where is the end of desire?

where is the end of despair?

She has set my dreams on fire

With desire that will always be there

 

The advice in this thread made me rethink all the lyrics.

And I was able to come up with a different closing line to the

first and last verses. I like it a lot better. I'll post it after I

tweak it.

 

This thread helped me a lot. I no longer have lyric problems w/this tune,

because of y'all. Merci beaucoups.

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