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'Lucky Charms 'demo... The never ending WIP :))


dankepig

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hello again!

As i said in the title writing this song seems to be a never ending WIP.. I reckon i recorded the first version about 2 years ago.. Its evolved a lot since then, (i've probably recorded it 5 or 6 times to get to its current form) but im still not happy with it. I'm not sure what the problem is with it, so i decided to post it here and see what other people think about it.

I mean why spend two more years working on it only to find out the problem was the song itself?

Its quite a long song at about 5:20 (which may be part of the problem) and I'm sure not everyone will make it to the end lol, but it builds up a lot towards the end, which is the best bit.. so try and make it! :)

 

http://soundcloud.com/dankepig/lucky-charms-new-version

 

Recorded using 2 acoustics, a bass, and the ol' voice box. Again my equipment is useless so i apologise for the sound quality but hopefully it'll be enough to give you the impression of the song i hear in my head

 

Please let me know what you think, as im very unsure about this one..

 

**lyrics (I know these need work too lol)

Again i caught on too late

Because i never learn from my mistakes

And he didn't even wait

He just came in and wrecked the place

So now he lives in his dream

Where he's the only actor in the scene

Throw out your lucky charms

Because they wont protect you from his harms

 

It's too early now to call it late

I'm still not ready when the morning breaks

For a normal life in an ordinary place

With young child's eyes on an old man's face

 

The paranoid, hypothetical boy

That had everything he needed but he grows

into a face that no one knows

A disappearing act, as he's fading to black

Drawing the final curtain on his show

just a face that no one knows

 

Remember the time when you said you needed me?

Was it everything you wanted it to be?

Remember the time when you said you loved me?

Wasn't everything you needed it to be..

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I think it opens well melodically and there definitely are a bunch of lines that don't work (harms? too early to call it late?), but I'm struggling to offer a critique because I honestly have no idea what the song is about.

 

The middle bridge (paranoid... no one knows) offered some nice textural change, but when the song changed direction again going into the 4th stanza, I couldn't really follow it. I've enjoyed my share of constantly evolving tunes ("Happiness is a Warm Gun", "Reba") so I don't consider myself a stickler for proper format. The problem is that the part I call a "middle bridge" isn't compelling on its own, nor is that 4th verse. The only part I found myself invested in was the opening melody. You can't ask a listener to follow you through a maze unless each step is so cool that they just can't stop themselves.

 

If I were you, I'd scrap that 4th verse and jump right back into the opening melody with a new verse and end the song around the 2:40-2:50 mark.

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Hi, dankepig!

 

First, let me say that I can see why you like this song and why you keep coming back. But I also want to play dutch uncle for a second, too, since I feel like I can kind of sense where you are with this, on some level.

 

And, in dutch uncle mode, let me ask you, in light of the fact you've recorded this multiple times -- has that gotten in the way of you writing and working on new material? Have you been recording other stuff? I guess my question is, how much has returning to this song been keeping you from working on other stuff?

 

If it has been monopolizing your creative energies, I'd say it's time to put it on the back burner, take the lessons you've learned from it and move forward with more writing and recording -- because new songs and projects will have new lessons.

 

Now, if you've been pursuing other songs and work and this song/track hasn't been logjamming you -- or it's some point in the future and you want to come back to this track and take another try at it, here are my suggestions:

 

There might be different ways of saying some things lyrically, maybe better, maybe worse, but, by and large, you sound comfortable with these words and, more importantly, you sound like you have an emotional investment in them. So, I think I'm comfortable in suggesting that you could consider this a finished song, true to itself. Regardomg this arrangement, I think I noticed some perhaps unnecessary repetition. Since the song, as it is, is over 5 minutes, you might want to take a look at trimming.

 

But, that said, I can also see how there are lessons this song could give you in terms of musical and recording craft. To be straightforward, the arrangement you have going here sounds like it wants to be human, but it also really wants to be tight. And right now, it's a bit ragged, a little uncertain when, to really work, the arrangement needs to feel like all the players are really on the same wavelength. (I'm thinking you played most or all of the parts so there's a certain irony, there.)

 

At any rate, if you should decide to work on this song some more, I would suggest an all new tracking. And I would start with, brace yourself, a drum machine or other easy timekeeper [click tracks are so soulless to me but if you get a kick and a snare in there, I'm good]. Pull it out for the mix, but use it to make it easier to keep your vocals and instrumental tracks on the rhythmic money. Keep the beat skeletal and that will help you keep your feel and the beat. I understand the reluctance to 'bot' up something that seems like it should be human and from the heart -- but just about every time I end up doing a multi-instrument recording without a rhythm guide/foundation track, I end up with a song that makes me seasick when I listen back days later. :D

 

 

Anyhow, I quite like the song itself, all-in-all. Yes, you could keep working it, but, if it's been jamming you up, you could also put the recording you have aside for now, confident that it (likely) captures the idea and mood you were going for, and come back to it in the future if you want. I view this as a process that, hopefully, we just keep getting better at.

 

;)

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Definitely a good song wanting to be finished. I'm not sure that I have any specific advice, but I encourage you to keep working at it.

It is too long - so take some bits out and shoot them. Identify the melodically strong stuff and rebuild the song around it.

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First, I really like the song - what it could be, if it were recorded properly etc. But looking past all that, I hear a pretty tune.

 

My first reaction however was, in a way, related to the recording. When the song started, I wanted to find that button that would allow me to shut off all the effects, all the echos, and the reverb and just have you and the guitar, as pure as a baby's behind performing. Why? Because there is quite a pretty tune with interesting lyrics that should be showcased, brought out front and center for all to hear. It's really rather pretty.

 

On the lyric side of things, I liked it much however there was a bit of confusion for me, as you switched from 1st person to third and then back to first person. I'm not saying that needs to be changed, all I am saying is that on first listen my head could not wrap myself around the big picture. On 2nd listen I could not either. I love the individual parts however.

 

On the length issue, one of two things should happen IMHO. Either shorten it, or throw in some more variety as the song progresses so that the listener is continually bombared with so9mething that is growing in front of them. As it is now, the first half does that more or less, but the 2nd half felt like the first half again. I never did make it al teh way through on both listens.

 

Just a few thoughts. Like the song. Put it back in the oven and cook it a bit more and you'll have something tasty!

 

Rick

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