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1:30 - is it obvious what is going on here?


Oswlek

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I doubt the finished product will actually be under 1:30, but this is what popped out two days ago. In my head the song pauses for a second and then kicks in in a big way for another minute or so before coming back to melodic start, but it all hinges upon whether this first bit works.

 

http://picosong.com/wkLD

 

 

There's no need to fight

As I hold you tight

Till we reach the light

You'll be safe in my arms


There's no need to care

Or to come up for air

Till I meet you there

You'll be safe in my arms


Just a minute and half

Another minute and a half

 

 

Did I make it clear what is really happening here?

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How about this:

 

 

There's no need to fight

As I hold you tight

Till we reach the light

You'll be safe in my arms


All your fears and cares

Are gasping for air

Till I meet you there

You'll be safe in my arms


Just a minute and half

Another minute and a half

 

 

I'm also considering a first verse that goes something like:

 

 

At the water's edge

?????

Oh to you I pledge

You'll be safe in my arms

 

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I read the other thread. You killed her. And killed yourself so you'll always be together.


I think it needs to be spelled out a bit more.

 

 

I think this second verse is a bit better:

 

 

All your fears and cares

Are gasping for air

Till I meet you there

You'll be safe in my arms

 

 

The problem is, writing from his angle he genuinely thinks he's helping her, so it is very difficult to make it brilliantly clear.

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The problem is, writing from his angle he genuinely thinks he's helping her, so it is very difficult to make it brilliantly clear.

 

 

Yes - but because of the subject matter, I think the song needs to be clear either at the beginning or in a final summation.

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