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Phone recording of a new song start


stickboymusic

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Ok - i dont normally post things THIS rough!

 

But - i have a question.... so far ive written two verses.... are people hearing this go into a chorus next.... does it need an "actual" chorus..... or just tell a story and use the music to build the song... maybe an instrumental section or a bridge??

 

http://picosong.com/wkS7/

 

Former self

 

 

I grew up too fast

in this slow moving town

the people like snails ("ants" would sound better here.... but i want something "slow"!)

surveying this endless ground

 

How could i notice

how could i tell

im just a shell of my former self

 

I planned my escape

jump the bridge by the clocktower at dawn

swim through the lake

cross the fields that are guarded by corn

 

How would they notice

how would they tell

they're just shells of their former selves

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Maybe :

 

I grew up too fast

in this slow moving town

the tortoise people

surveying this endless ground

 

The How could I notice part creates the difference that is similar to a chorus, but you could still throw in a chorus if you feel like it.

 

The song I last posted requesting help to choose 4 verses out of 15 - that was structured without a chorus, but with a repeating lyric motif linked to each verse.

I think it works. I'm just going to throw in an instrumental Bridge before the final verse.

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I think you already have a chorus, it changes a bit each time, but it still has that chorus feeling. And I think it serves a useful purpose.

 

How would they notice

how would they tell

they're just shells of their former selves

 

Then conclude with... upping harmonies...

 

How would we notice

how would we tell

We're just shells of our former selves

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Not a big fan of "snail". Maybe in the uk the meaning is different? I'm not getting "slow", I am getting hard shelled little creatures in a fish tank. But maybe that was the intent? "Shell of former self?"


Rick

 

 

fish tank??

 

you dont have garden snails?

 

yeh they are very slow.... and i wanted to tie it in with the shell too

 

although oldgits idea of tortoise also works.... the word is just a little long

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I like ants. It creates an odd juxtaposition of an ant-person stopping to survey the town. Ants don't constantly scurry. Sometimes they stop for a second, change directions, etc.

 

The other thing is you don't have to use a rhyme (or a near rhyme) on the 1st and 3rd lines of a verse. You could just say, "the people like snails survey this endless ground..."

 

LCK

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I like ants. It creates an odd juxtaposition of an ant-person stopping to survey the town. Ants don't constantly scurry. Sometimes they stop for a second, change directions, etc.


The other thing is you don't have to use a rhyme (or a near rhyme) on the 1st and 3rd lines of a verse. You could just say, "the people like snails survey this endless ground..."


LCK

 

 

I think "ants" is just a little too obvious.... and i quite like the shell analogy to carry through

 

as you say... i could pretty much leave it as it was if none of the updates are any better?

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Yea, we do. My only thought was that the line about the snail might be a bit too clever. But it is unique and an ear grabber, I admit.

 

How about:

I grew up too fast

in this slow moving town

with slow moving people

crawling over endless ground

 

... just a thought.

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Doesn't need a chorus. If you want to elevate it, just tack a middle 8 in the middle then come back to a v/b and that should be enough. I like Rick's idea to make it a I/they/we transition.

 

As for "snails" you could squeeze a reference to "people" into the next line.

 

 

Like snails in the grass

They survey their endless ground

 

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I like snails because it ties in so well with shell. I love this in light of the snail analogy:

 

How could i notice

how could i tell

im just a shell of my former self

 

My question: What is your/their "former self"? Were they better off somehow at an earlier time? More alive?

 

When I was a kid

With eyes close to the ground

I could still see the sky

I could still here the sounds

 

But in good time

At the wave of their hand

They put me in line

Stuck in the sand

 

----

 

And, I think "endless" might be contrary to how you're trying to portray the town.

 

I grew up too fast

In a slow moving town

People moving like snails

With their eyes to the ground

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I like snails because it ties in so well with shell.


I think "endless" might be contrary to how you're trying to protray the town.


I grew up too fast

In a slow moving town

People moving like snails

With their eyes to the ground

 

 

I thought it was intentionally contradictory. It appears endless because they are simply unaware.

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I think the 'how could I/they notice' is the chorus.

 

 

My question: What is your/their "former self"? Were they better off somehow at an earlier time? More alive?


 

 

 

This is right on the money. I'd write a verse or two that answers this question and stick it in front of what you have now.

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I think the 'how could I/they notice' is the chorus.





This is right on the money. I'd write a verse or two that answers this question and stick it in front of what you have now.

 

 

good idea both of you - i like things to go a little unexplained but what be nice to hint at it at least

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Yes, I think a chorus would fit nice after these two verses, at least musically that's what wants to happen. Lyrically you've shot the wad already with "Former Self." But you could find an overarching musical pattern and reprise the former self words at the end (or beginning) of that.

 

I think that way; structurally. The words are the last thing that's fitted into the framework (except for a few key words that get my juices flowing).

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Yes, I think a chorus would fit nice after these two verses, at least musically that's what wants to happen. Lyrically you've shot the wad already with "Former Self." But you could find an overarching musical pattern and reprise the
former self
words at the end (or beginning) of that.


I think that way;
structurally.
The words are the last thing that's fitted into the framework (except for a few key words that get my juices flowing).

 

 

My feeling was with you here - this is why i posted the song so early - it felt like it wanted a chorus after that bit..... im sure i could get away without one but id have to be super clever with the music to hold interest

 

think i will see if i can work a chorus in there

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My feeling was with you here - this is why i posted the song so early - it felt like it wanted a chorus after that bit..... im sure i could get away without one but id have to be super clever with the music to hold interest


think i will see if i can work a chorus in there

 

 

A middle 8 could get the job done and you wouldn't have to worry about something cool enough to bring back again.

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