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A Catchy Tune


bee3

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I think it's a great idea. But I'm not crazy about selling your soul or you thinking the song sucks. Because it feels as if you're looking down on the listener. For you to be able to take that stance, you need to include the listener with you. Right now you have an adversarial relationship. For instance...

 

If you have a side show barker ripping people off, the listener gets that. "Those sorry sacks". But with this, you're borderline mocking your audience. I get that you're not, but I think you need to figure an angle where the listener is included with the cool group and not on the outside.

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The rewrite is great, I just have an issue with this couplet:

 

 

But you can hum it if you want to

Though the melody comes in too soon

 

 

The second line doesn't contrast either the first or the third, so that "though" doesn't make much sense. And wouldn't a melody coming in soon enhance the catchiness and hum-along-ability?

 

I think something more along the lines of

 

 

But you can hum it if you want

The melody is quick to...????

 

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The rewrite is great, I just have an issue with this couplet:




The second line doesn't contrast either the first or the third, so that "though" doesn't make much sense. And wouldn't a melody coming in soon
enhance
the catchiness and hum-along-ability?


I think something more along the lines of

 

You caught me... I was struggling there too, tried to re-write it, and couldn't immediately come up with anything. I'll forge on...

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It's a'ight. Better, though not quite were it could be.

 

 

 

I think "room" is your best bet for a rhyme. The others are played out. Moon June Spoon Buffoon. So you could keep room and mess with "fill". You know? Fill is alright but doesn't really add much info. Of course it will fill the room. But "light up" "burn down" "grab" etc. Use a more informative and interesting verb

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This is sort of like my "Oatmeal Song" in that it is a song about not being a real song.


Edit: maybe it would be better to say that it's about not being a
finished
song.


Edit 2: actually, maybe it's more like my song than I realized on first read:










:eek::lol:

 

Well, I'll be damned.

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