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Harry the Hippo


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These two lines don't flow too well:

 

 

none of them stuck, and he was stuck with the bills

 

 

 

neither made a difference, and neither was free

 

 

The first repeats "stuck" in a non-cool way (IMO) and the second is too similar in theme to the first. I have no suggestions for the latter, but I think the former might work something like:

 

 

none of them stuck, only tacked on bills

 

 

That isn't perfect (Are bills money? Extra weight?) but I think it leads in the right direction.

 

I also agree with toober. Why is the letter important? I don't think I need to know the specifics about what he writes, but it comes out of nowhere and never quite connects. I also don't like the final stanza. The entire song has a humorous flavor and then it gets way too deep at the end.

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These two lines don't flow too well:






The first repeats "stuck" in a non-cool way (IMO) and the second is too similar in theme to the first. I have no suggestions for the latter, but I think the former might work something like:




That isn't perfect (Are bills money? Extra weight?) but I think it leads in the right direction.


I also agree with toober. Why is the letter important? I don't think I need to know the specifics about what he writes, but it comes out of nowhere and never quite connects. I also don't like the final stanza. The entire song has a humorous flavor and then it gets way too deep at the end.

 

 

I think it's a simple language difference at work here. "Bills" in Australia doesn't refer to money but to... how you say... checks? Invoices?

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I think it's a simple language difference at work here. "Bills" in Australia doesn't refer to money but to... how you say... checks? Invoices?

 

 

No, I know exactly what you are saying. I'm just referring to how my rewrite strips away some of that clarity.

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No, I know exactly what you are saying. I'm just referring to how my rewrite strips away some of that clarity.

 

Point taken. :) How about:

 

Harry the hippo was a nice enough fellow

He had a house of his own, with a room for his cello

But there was something amiss in the life that he'd made

he couldn't think of the reason for how much he weighed

 

He'd tried several diets, he'd even tried pills

none of them stuck, only tacked on the bills

He'd tried yoga and zumba, he'd bought all kinds of machines

none of them helped change the size of his jeans

 

He tried acupuncture, he tried special teas

neither of which cut his intake of cheese

He tried hypnotherapy, he went to a lifestyle coach

but it was losing his chocolate that scared him the most

 

Then one night as he was lying alone in his bed

he sat up with a jolt and stared straight ahead

he opened his top drawer, grabbed a notebook and pen

and started a letter to an old friend

 

It said "remember that time that we danced in the park?

it was you who were first to ignite the spark

of my love for this game we play time and again

what you want from a lover I can get from a friend"

 

By the time he was finished the sun had come up

So he went to the kitchen, poured some coffee in his cup

And He looked out the window, and he said to the view

Nobody plays the cello quite the way I do

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Seems the theme of the song is about a cello, his weight, his friend, a cello. They don't seem to flow together in the song.

 

 

Agreed. The updated lyrics are better, but you still need to tie together the cello, weight and letter.

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Ha! Very cool. It brings to mind Clooney the Clown by Shel Silverstein. And in Clooney the Clown, as Owslek suggests, the struggle and resolution (or lack of resolution) are clear.

 

Is the cello a means of distracting him from food and overeating? How about if someone criticized his playing and that's what started this overeating? Until he finally realizes, yes, he is a fine player. Or, don't listen to assholes... I don't know, I love what you have but think it could use a logical thread through it. Or the easiest fix would be to nix the cello. That's confusing. If it were about his struggle with weight only... then this one, your 1st, makes more sense:

 

By the time he was finished the sun had come up

So he went to the kitchen, poured some coffee in his cup

And He looked out the window, and he said with a sigh

Tomorrow's the first day of the rest of my life

 

 

Here's link to Clooney the Clown for some ideas:

 

http://languagearts8.wikidot.com/clooney-the-clown-shel-silverstein

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While I agree with Lee about that stanza's clarity, I still think it takes too serious a turn. If that is what you want, then run with it. But what appeals to me about this is the sly humor and I want that to run through the entire piece.

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While I agree with Lee about that stanza's clarity, I still think it takes too serious a turn. If that is what you want, then run with it. But what appeals to me about this is the sly humor and I want that to run through the entire piece.

 

 

Read the link and the poem Clooney to see how seriousness can meld with silliness.

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This is such a good place to get acquainted with the craft and feel of songwriting, isn't it?:wave:

 

I like how you are going about this process....throwing out words and ideas to see what might gel into a cohesive song. My advise at this point is to not wait much longer to get a melodic structure going with these very cool lyrics as often times you'll work very hard on a set of lyrics only to find that when you attempt to marry them up with a nice hook melody some of those hard won phrases don't work as well as lyrics as they do as poetry.:cool:

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...often times you'll work very hard on a set of lyrics only to find that when you attempt to marry them up with a nice hook melody some of those hard won phrases don't work as well as lyrics as they do as poetry.
:cool:

 

Don't I know it! :)

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