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Freedom Bird is the one that can fly


Mahuska

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I release much work with the lyrics

1. Is the music cool enough to pursue further?

3.Should i make the Bird more of the Central issue and how?

 

SC

http://soundcloud.com/mahuska/freedom-bird-is-the-one-that

 

Sketchy lyrics

 

I've been traveling hard dusty roads

Time to get back on the track

But I can't tell you what I can do

 

Living in these memories, so many lies/sins.

Let me ask you Brother please don't ask me where to

 

begin.

 

Freedom bird that is the one that can fly

Put them in a cage and may just very well die

 

Freedom bird that is the one that can fly

Put them in a cage and may just very well die

 

No high or low roads just an even keel

Even if it meant the pain of how to get real

I think I found my way with decent friends

and not feel so much in debt

 

Freedom bird that is the one that can fly

Put them in a cage and may just very well die

 

Freedom bird that is the one that can fly

Put them in a cage and may just very well die

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It's not doing all that much for me lyrically at this point, but I do think the music is worth pursuing. You've got some cool chord progressions, and, though it needs a lot of tightening up, I really like where the arrangements are going and the overall vibe. I'd keep at this one, but I'd let Lynyrd Skynrd have the final say about freedom and birds. :)

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I agree with HoboSage. Your main theme seems like a bit of a tautology: when you put something in a case, it is no longer free. When you take away freedom, freedom dies. While there is truth there, that truth is self-evident, and so there isn't much meaning that you're adding to those lines. I think that this would work better if the bird is an allegory for freedom, rather than a literal expression of it. Paul McCartney's "Blackbird," where the bird is an allegory for blacks during the American civil rights movement in the late 1960s, is a good example.

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The music is definitely worth pursuing. I might even go as far as saying it is the most compelling piece yet, you have a knack for writing some really cool lead guitar parts and this is no exception. That said, you need to tighten up the timing in a bad way. It isn't hard to see what you were aiming for, but it is distracting as hell.

 

Lyrically, there isn't much there unfortunately. I agree with SC above that you might want to make it more allegorical, though the biggest problem with the chorus lyric as it stands now is the wording of it. If you sang something like "Fly..... Freedom bird fly" it would work a whole lot better. You don't need to make it as deep as McCartney, just paint the image rather than telling me a statement.

 

You also need that chorus to leap off the page more by taking it up a notch melodically. That awesome guitar wants to lift the song, but the steady melody holds it back.

 

The verses suffer from much of the same problem. Tons of statements worded akwardly which causes your delivery to suffer. On top of that, I don't see much connection between the lyrics and the chorus image that is supposed to tie everything together.

 

If you want to keep the "freedom bird" chorus, I'd make that line more like what I wrote above and redo the verses entirely.

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Thanks all, this should of been a day and waited post. Truth is I started with ink and pen, then went to the piano. I am a "bird person" so that aspect started going in that direction. I got excited at my performance and playing. So here is the deal. A total re-write with recent true events. I will lose the bridge and have a cool slide bridge in mind, but the most of the music will remain. I will try and re-sing the new lyrics in a day or so

NEW LYRICS(rough draft)

 

 

V1

I was walking my Dog one morning, for his relief

Then I spied a Magpie suffering in such grief.

His Wings didn't work, he just couldn't fly.

He jumped as all he could and wondered

Should I help him die.

 

chorus

Freedom bird brought a tear to my eye

But my Parrot Pet gave me nibbles and affection

 

Freedom birds can be Pets or from the wild

Where ever from let's just hope they get the love

 

care and they need.

 

Slide gtr work(with bridge not done yet)

V2

 

Oddly at this very same time my neighbor found

a troubled baby sparrow.

He took it home with hopes of survival.

I gave him seeds and pellets and wished him well.

I am glad there are humans that show humanity

 

 

chorus

Freedom bird brought a tear to my eye

But my Parrot Pet gave me nibbles and affection

 

Freedom birds can be Pets or from the wild

Where they live let's just hope they get the love

 

they need.

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